friend making choices not aligned with my values - how to let it not poison our relationship?

[Anonymous]

I have been good friends with another woman and her family for many years now. I value my relationship with them a lot - we've been through a lot together and I really do think she's a wonderful person. Unfortunately, over the years of our relationship it's become obvious how different we are in a lot of ways, and over the years, she has been making choices that are very misaligned with some strongly held values of mine. She has noticed that I have been distant and it has been harming our relationship.

On one hand, I don't agree with the choices she's making and maybe the relationship has run it's course? It's come to a point where I have a tough time having a conversation with her because she'll talk about these things that are important to her and I have nothing to say because I so strongly disagree and anything I would say just sounds mean. So I gloss over things, but it's become clear that I'm not being honest. On the other hand, I also truly believe that people are different and that my friends don't have to be exactly aligned with what I think is right. I'm sure if I looked at the way I live my own life objectively, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite. And so what if we disagree - it would be lovely to have an open and honest conversation and still respect each other as people.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before? How did you handle it? Any advice for me - even harsh? I'd love for someone to set me straight and get me to be more open-minded. I feel guilty that I feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been good friends with another woman and her family for many years now. I value my relationship with them a lot - we've been through a lot together and I really do think she's a wonderful person. Unfortunately, over the years of our relationship it's become obvious how different we are in a lot of ways, and over the years, she has been making choices that are very misaligned with some strongly held values of mine. She has noticed that I have been distant and it has been harming our relationship.

On one hand, I don't agree with the choices she's making and maybe the relationship has run it's course? It's come to a point where I have a tough time having a conversation with her because she'll talk about these things that are important to her and I have nothing to say because I so strongly disagree and anything I would say just sounds mean. So I gloss over things, but it's become clear that I'm not being honest. On the other hand, I also truly believe that people are different and that my friends don't have to be exactly aligned with what I think is right. I'm sure if I looked at the way I live my own life objectively, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite. And so what if we disagree - it would be lovely to have an open and honest conversation and still respect each other as people.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before? How did you handle it? Any advice for me - even harsh? I'd love for someone to set me straight and get me to be more open-minded. I feel guilty that I feel this way.

Your last two sentences say it all. Why do you need a stranger to tell you to act on your feelings? Be more open-minded. There.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to have to know what she's done and the choices she's made.

[Anonymous]

Do you get energized by the relationship?

What drives connections? [kids, shared history, common work]

Can you change the relationship so that it is more energizing? If not, time to take a break.

[Anonymous]

Do you have anything in common anymore? Is there anything you enjoy doing with her or talking to her about NOW? (From your post, it doesn’t sound like it.)

Sometimes people change and friendships fade. That’s life. Stop trying to force a relationship if all you have in common is your past.

It doesn’t mean that you hate her or wish her ill - just the opposite actually: you value the good times you’ve shared and are going to preserve those memories by distancing yourself now. Send her a Christmas card, check in every few months or whatever. Wish her well and focus your energy on what’s important to you now.

[Anonymous]

This is too vague to understand.

[Anonymous]

What are the choices she is making that are so different from yours?

I have have a good friend that supports Trump but I am still friends with her. I am a vegetarian and have friends that eat meat and rave about bacon, which personally I find awful, given the way factory animals are treated. But I am still friends with all these people. If I was only friends with people who had the exact same values as me I would have very few friends.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone - sorry for being so vague. I was trying to prevent it from becoming a argument about the particular value. Trump supporting is a great corollary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is too vague to understand.

True.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you get energized by the relationship?

What drives connections? [kids, shared history, common work]

Can you change the relationship so that it is more energizing? If not, time to take a break.

This is interesting. I'm not energized by it actually. It's stressful to see her because there's so much unsaid and I think she feels that.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before?

Any democrat who has a family member or friend who is a Trumpster finds themselves in this position constantly. If you want to stay in the relationship, you ignore what you can and you call them out on misinformation and egregious behavior. Otherwise, you end the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - sorry for being so vague. I was trying to prevent it from becoming a argument about the particular value. Trump supporting is a great corollary.

What makes a person a good friend? Imo, a friend to me is someone I genuinely like, have fun with, can laugh and cry with, who supports me and accepts my support, who doesn't judge me or try to change me, and likes me as I am. What do you value in friendship, op?

[Anonymous]

OP again. Also I like the vegetarian thing. I have a few friends who are vegetarian. One is chill about it - she clearly makes her choice but respects that others do too. Another is judge-y and I'm always worried about ordering meat around here because I can just feel it. I should be like the chill vegetarian - I make my choices, you make yours, we can still be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before?

Any democrat who has a family member or friend who is a Trumpster finds themselves in this position constantly. If you want to stay in the relationship, you ignore what you can and you call them out on misinformation and egregious behavior. Otherwise, you end the relationship.

Or you accept that they are entitled to believe what they believe and just love them. I say this as the only non Trumper in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - sorry for being so vague. I was trying to prevent it from becoming a argument about the particular value. Trump supporting is a great corollary.

What makes a person a good friend? Imo, a friend to me is someone I genuinely like, have fun with, can laugh and cry with, who supports me and accepts my support, who doesn't judge me or try to change me, and likes me as I am. What do you value in friendship, op?

This is great, thanks. I'm not being a friend to this person - I'm not supporting them or and I'm definitely judging them. I guess the question then is what I can just let go and continue to be supportive and where there is a line crossed that I can no longer be a good friend.