Stepmother Struggles w/Feeling No Love For Stepchildren

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepkids' mother alienated them against their father. She did this so she could be the sole parent and her man-of-the-year could play daddy.

My DH has a very estranged relationship with them. It is impossible for any stepparent to have a better relationship with the kids than the bio parent has.

I knew they would never warm up to me so I disengaged and try to avoid their company, so their father can have the precious few scraps thrown his way. If I ever see them I am cordial but that's it.

+2, but it has nothing to do with me as ex and kids are horrible to DH except when they want something. When I've seen them, they are cordial and so am I but I don't love or have any feelings. If the situation were different, I'd care for them but I doubt I'd love them given I didn't raise them or have that opportunity bond. Its very different if you see kids a few times a year vs. raising them. When they were young, I always did for them including buying what they needed but I did it for my husband, if anything to make his life easier.

+3.

PP here and our situation is similar, with the exception that the kids are still teens and we have 50/50. I came into the picture too late to have any effect on raising them - and DH had enough challenges with their mother when he was married to her, so unfortunately his stamp fell short. They are who she is - and it is a very sad situation. I have compassion for them, I do what I can to make DH's life easier, but I feel no love for them.

[Anonymous]

I am a step kid and these responses are pretty sad. I was basically already grown when my mom remarried and my father got remarried when I was in my 30s.

It's definitely a different relationship but my step families are still my family and I love them and care about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a step kid and these responses are pretty sad. I was basically already grown when my mom remarried and my father got remarried when I was in my 30s.

It's definitely a different relationship but my step families are still my family and I love them and care about them.

The difference is you have a good relationship, probably see your dad and stepmom regularly. Its hard to love someone who treats your spouse badly and you have no contact with.

My mom has been dating a man for 10 years. They live close and I barely see them and don't really know him outside of Thanksgiving when they invite themselves over. I have no love or feeling for him and because of him have very little feelings left for my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepkids' mother alienated them against their father. She did this so she could be the sole parent and her man-of-the-year could play daddy.

My DH has a very estranged relationship with them. It is impossible for any stepparent to have a better relationship with the kids than the bio parent has.

I knew they would never warm up to me so I disengaged and try to avoid their company, so their father can have the precious few scraps thrown his way. If I ever see them I am cordial but that's it.

+2, but it has nothing to do with me as ex and kids are horrible to DH except when they want something. When I've seen them, they are cordial and so am I but I don't love or have any feelings. If the situation were different, I'd care for them but I doubt I'd love them given I didn't raise them or have that opportunity bond. Its very different if you see kids a few times a year vs. raising them. When they were young, I always did for them including buying what they needed but I did it for my husband, if anything to make his life easier.

+3.

PP here and our situation is similar, with the exception that the kids are still teens and we have 50/50. I came into the picture too late to have any effect on raising them - and DH had enough challenges with their mother when he was married to her, so unfortunately his stamp fell short. They are who she is - and it is a very sad situation. I have compassion for them, I do what I can to make DH's life easier, but I feel no love for them.

NP here. Out of curiosity, what is your DH’s perspective on the kids? Sounds like you are disappointed on how the kids turned out. Is that the husband’s perspective as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a step kid and these responses are pretty sad. I was basically already grown when my mom remarried and my father got remarried when I was in my 30s.

It's definitely a different relationship but my step families are still my family and I love them and care about them.

You are a rare and precious bird! There are many, many, many stepparents who would LOVE to have a step kid like you!

It sounds as though you are secure in your relationship with both of your parents and thus have no jealousy nor ill-will towards their partners. Nor do they hold ill will towards each other moving on.

I wish others had the same experience as it would make life so much easier for almost 50% of Americans who will face divorce/remarriage situations in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mom has been dating a man for 10 years. They live close and I barely see them and don't really know him outside of Thanksgiving when they invite themselves over. I have no love or feeling for him and because of him have very little feelings left for my mom.

Man has been around for a decade
But you don't know him
And only see him 1x per year


Confused … how does that equate to "because of him[u] I have very little feelings left for my mom." ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepkids' mother alienated them against their father. She did this so she could be the sole parent and her man-of-the-year could play daddy.

My DH has a very estranged relationship with them. It is impossible for any stepparent to have a better relationship with the kids than the bio parent has.

I knew they would never warm up to me so I disengaged and try to avoid their company, so their father can have the precious few scraps thrown his way. If I ever see them I am cordial but that's it.

+2, but it has nothing to do with me as ex and kids are horrible to DH except when they want something. When I've seen them, they are cordial and so am I but I don't love or have any feelings. If the situation were different, I'd care for them but I doubt I'd love them given I didn't raise them or have that opportunity bond. Its very different if you see kids a few times a year vs. raising them. When they were young, I always did for them including buying what they needed but I did it for my husband, if anything to make his life easier.

+3.

PP here and our situation is similar, with the exception that the kids are still teens and we have 50/50. I came into the picture too late to have any effect on raising them - and DH had enough challenges with their mother when he was married to her, so unfortunately his stamp fell short. They are who she is - and it is a very sad situation. I have compassion for them, I do what I can to make DH's life easier, but I feel no love for them.

NP here. Out of curiosity, what is your DH’s perspective on the kids? Sounds like you are disappointed on how the kids turned out. Is that the husband’s perspective as well?

PP here.

Let me preface this by saying that I have been on this board long enough to recognize that parenting is difficult, and even the best laid plans can have unintended results. In other words, even if you do what you think is best, kids are ultimately their own person.

Yes, I would be disappointed if these kids keep on the trajectory they are on. Maybe they will change - see that some of the habits they are cultivating aren't in their best interest long term. But their dad and I can't MAKE them see that. They have to learn their own lessons.

As for their Dad - is he disappointed? I think, yes, to some extent - but it stems from him being disappointed that they mostly gravitated towards/took on their mom's habits and personalities, with very little of his. He continues to model what he thinks is best, hold them accountable as best he can, show them that he loves them - and hopes that, at some point in the future, they will mature into better versions of themselves.

[Anonymous]

As a stepchild, I appreciate the honesty here. My stepmom didn’t like me, probably because we were so hard. And I get that, but I wish she had made a bigger effort and been more forgiving. We were hard because we had been through a traumatic divorce and our mother was crazy and our dad was working all the time. Our dad and stepmom expected us to act like kids who had had a stable upbringing and when we didn’t we didn’t get love or understanding, we got alienated.

I hope that stepparents realize that they shouldn’t just mirror how the kids treat them. Biological parents shouldn’t do that either. It’s the adults that have to model kindness and love; we can’t expect the kids to do that first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a stepchild, I appreciate the honesty here. My stepmom didn’t like me, probably because we were so hard. And I get that, but I wish she had made a bigger effort and been more forgiving. We were hard because we had been through a traumatic divorce and our mother was crazy and our dad was working all the time. Our dad and stepmom expected us to act like kids who had had a stable upbringing and when we didn’t we didn’t get love or understanding, we got alienated.

I hope that stepparents realize that they shouldn’t just mirror how the kids treat them. Biological parents shouldn’t do that either. It’s the adults that have to model kindness and love; we can’t expect the kids to do that first.

I totally understand your perspective. I was also the child of an acrimonious divorce and suffered horrific alienation (by my mother against my father) for many years. Despite all that, by the time I was on my own (early 20s) I was mature enough to realize that my parents were human and flawed. When they had new partners in their lives, I gave those people the benefit of the doubt and believed that they were making my parent's life happier and better. I treated them respectfully and made an effort to get to know them as individuals in their own right.

Having gone through that myself, I understood some of what my stepkid was going through and also knew that every kid has their own timeline. I tried for almost two decades to develop a basic, friendly relationship with my stepkid but nothing worked. And it still doesn't work.

She is in her 30s now with her own family and to this day, she still has never, not once, asked me anything about myself. Never initiates any contact even though I've reached out to her many times over the years. Now I get it; she just doesn't have any interest in knowing me and that's OK. It kills her father to see me ignored like this. Of course, when she got married she made it clear my DH was expected to welcome her husband with open arms as his "son" and immediately bond with him despite only meeting him twice.

The point is the mirror goes two ways - once adults, step kids have to reflect on their own behavior and ask themselves if they have done what they could to foster a good relationship, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a step kid and these responses are pretty sad. I was basically already grown when my mom remarried and my father got remarried when I was in my 30s.

It's definitely a different relationship but my step families are still my family and I love them and care about them.

You are a rare and precious bird! There are many, many, many stepparents who would LOVE to have a step kid like you!

It sounds as though you are secure in your relationship with both of your parents and thus have no jealousy nor ill-will towards their partners. Nor do they hold ill will towards each other moving on.

I wish others had the same experience as it would make life so much easier for almost 50% of Americans who will face divorce/remarriage situations in their lives.

I wonder if that’s partially
Because you were grown when they remarried?

It seems like it might be best for the relationship if the kids are either really young like under five, or already out of high school when they remarriage happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a step kid and these responses are pretty sad. I was basically already grown when my mom remarried and my father got remarried when I was in my 30s.

It's definitely a different relationship but my step families are still my family and I love them and care about them.

You are a rare and precious bird! There are many, many, many stepparents who would LOVE to have a step kid like you!

It sounds as though you are secure in your relationship with both of your parents and thus have no jealousy nor ill-will towards their partners. Nor do they hold ill will towards each other moving on.

I wish others had the same experience as it would make life so much easier for almost 50% of Americans who will face divorce/remarriage situations in their lives.

I wonder if that’s partially
Because you were grown when they remarried?

It seems like it might be best for the relationship if the kids are either really young like under five, or already out of high school when they remarriage happens.

I think it has more to do with the mother and how she treats her ex and how he treats her plus how the other parent treats the stepparent and how the stepparent treats the other parent and kids. Age is a minor factor.

[Anonymous]

I'm a stepmom of two who I first met when they were 5 and 3 and married their Dad two years later and we had our own child a year after that. Their biological mother has been pretty much out of their lives so I'm the only mom they have ever really had. I do love them but it is different with my biological child who is now 4 but I really do my best to keep that feeling to myself. But I gave birth to and nursed that child so I accept the feeling. The older two love their 4 YO sibling and that love is returned. They call me mom and I always refer to them as my or our children and never as stepchildren. I'm sure it would be very different if they were ten years older when I met them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a stepchild, I appreciate the honesty here. My stepmom didn’t like me, probably because we were so hard. And I get that, but I wish she had made a bigger effort and been more forgiving. We were hard because we had been through a traumatic divorce and our mother was crazy and our dad was working all the time. Our dad and stepmom expected us to act like kids who had had a stable upbringing and when we didn’t we didn’t get love or understanding, we got alienated.

I hope that stepparents realize that they shouldn’t just mirror how the kids treat them. Biological parents shouldn’t do that either. It’s the adults that have to model kindness and love; we can’t expect the kids to do that first.

6:34 here. This is a great perspective. I am always kind to my step kids and I stay out of discipline or anything like that. But their behavior toward their father can be very challenging and it upsets me. I will keep this in mind....that they’ve had a very difficult time of it.

[Anonymous]

I guess I am lucky to have lots of step parent love around.

My dad remarried when I was 7 and I love my step mom dearly. My mom remarried when I was 15 and I love my step dad dearly. My dad and step dad walked me down the aisle. I am closer to my step mom than my own dad.

I am divorced and remarried. DD was 7 when my now DH came into the picture. ex is still a dad. But DD LOVES DH, sometimes more than me I think. The feeling is mutual.

We all hit the step parent jackpot I guess.

[Anonymous]

My stepkid is hard to love, but I feel for them. For a while I tried to make a difference in their lives, be a trusted adult who doesn't try to parent but rather serve as back up. But got kind of burned in the past few years. I still have empathy but love is harder to find. They have emotional and psychological problems that run deep and that we have little to no control over, despite many many efforts to change their course. If I am being honest, I would not have married their parent if I knew then what I know now, that it would be this hard, and that we would be supporting a full grown adult for the foreseeable future at the expense of our possible retirement and other children's college/future possibilities. Yet I also respect spouse's need as a parent to try to do everything to help their kid, as I know is right. So, its tough. there's empathy, hope but I have also had to let go of responsibiity, trying to intervene, change or help.