Stepmother Struggles w/Feeling No Love For Stepchildren

[Anonymous]

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/28/magazine/should-i-pretend-to-love-my-stepchildren.html?te=1&nl=the-new%20york%20times%20magazine&emc=edit_ma_20200201&campaign_id=52&instance_id=15668&segment_id=20901&user_id=44e4a43830a94d979c35299af69d00a7®i_id=6903508420200201

The comments are always the best part of these columns.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a pretty natural feeling. Even if they’re good kids, stepchildren complicate a marriage.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t required to live me. Just be kind.

[Anonymous]

There is something really wrong with her. She fantasizes about her husband's death so she can several times with people who have been good to her and love her? And not one thought as to how that would affect her child if she did that?

She sounds like a cold, brutal monster.

[Anonymous]

Sever, not several.

[Anonymous]

Never date or marry a lperson who is divorced with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never date or marry a lperson who is divorced with children.

Women who do this are taking the best option they have. Later, they forget that.

[Anonymous]

I can relate as sometimes it is hard to love your own children, but I don’t marry someone divorced with children...

[Anonymous]

I don’t love my step kids but they don’t love me either. Which is ok. I point that out only because this woman feels her step kids do love her and that makes me feel sad for them. I care about my step kids and I want them to do well in life. I’m kind and helpful. And will always help them if they need help. But I don’t feel love.

Not sure why she wants to cut ties with them after her husbands death. I very much try to foster my son’s relationship with his older siblings and want that to be strong and endure into his adulthood (the are already adults).

One of my step kids is disabled and I will never let harm come to him. Yet....I still don’t feel love. It makes me sad in a way.

[Anonymous]

My SS was already graduating from HS when I met him. I don’t feel motherly towards him, but eventually, I did come to love him. Haven’t these stepmoms every come to love a friend or a child’s friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a pretty natural feeling. Even if they’re good kids, stepchildren complicate a marriage.

Even if they are a good person, a step mother/father complicates the relationship between the child and parent.

[Anonymous]

Marrying into a divorced situation with kids is extremely challenging, I suspect even in the best of circumstances (read: good kids, bio parents coparent well).

I did NOT marry into such a situation. It is extremely difficult on some days, hard on me, hard on DH, and - if I am honest - I'm sure it's hard on SKs.

All of that said, I do not love SKs. And time has not changed that. They were pretty much formed before I entered the picture, and I don't care for their personalities. I wish them the best, but I also am looking forward to the day that I don't have to live with them day in and day out.

[Anonymous]

It probably depends on the situation. How old were the kids when a SP entered the picture, what are the custody arrangements, etc. For me, I do not love my SKs. I don't think that they love me either, but if something were to happen to their bio parents, I would take care of them and make sure that they are ok. They do have two loving parents and I am very happy for my SKs' achievements, joys, etc. But it's not love.

[Anonymous]

My stepkids' mother alienated them against their father. She did this so she could be the sole parent and her man-of-the-year could play daddy.

My DH has a very estranged relationship with them. It is impossible for any stepparent to have a better relationship with the kids than the bio parent has.

I knew they would never warm up to me so I disengaged and try to avoid their company, so their father can have the precious few scraps thrown his way. If I ever see them I am cordial but that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepkids' mother alienated them against their father. She did this so she could be the sole parent and her man-of-the-year could play daddy.

My DH has a very estranged relationship with them. It is impossible for any stepparent to have a better relationship with the kids than the bio parent has.

I knew they would never warm up to me so I disengaged and try to avoid their company, so their father can have the precious few scraps thrown his way. If I ever see them I am cordial but that's it.

+2, but it has nothing to do with me as ex and kids are horrible to DH except when they want something. When I've seen them, they are cordial and so am I but I don't love or have any feelings. If the situation were different, I'd care for them but I doubt I'd love them given I didn't raise them or have that opportunity bond. Its very different if you see kids a few times a year vs. raising them. When they were young, I always did for them including buying what they needed but I did it for my husband, if anything to make his life easier.