Reply to Stepmother Struggles w/Feeling No Love For Stepchildren

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Reply to "Stepmother Struggles w/Feeling No Love For Stepchildren"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a stepchild, I appreciate the honesty here. My stepmom didn’t like me, probably because we were so hard. And I get that, but I wish she had made a bigger effort and been more forgiving. We were hard because we had been through a traumatic divorce and our mother was crazy and our dad was working all the time. Our dad and stepmom expected us to act like kids who had had a stable upbringing and when we didn’t we didn’t get love or understanding, we got alienated.

I hope that stepparents realize that they shouldn’t just mirror how the kids treat them. Biological parents shouldn’t do that either. It’s the adults that have to model kindness and love; we can’t expect the kids to do that first. [/quote]

I totally understand your perspective.  I was also the child of an acrimonious divorce and suffered horrific alienation (by my mother against my father) for many years.  Despite all that, by the time I was on my own (early 20s) I was mature enough to realize that my parents were human and flawed.  When they had new partners in their lives, I gave those people the benefit of the doubt and believed that they were making my parent's life happier and better.   I treated them respectfully and made an effort to get to know them as individuals in their own right.

Having gone through that myself, I understood some of what my stepkid was going through and also knew that every kid has their own timeline.  I tried for almost two decades to develop a basic, friendly relationship with my stepkid but nothing worked.   And it still doesn't work.

She is in her 30s now with her own family and to this day, she still has never, [b]not once[/b], asked me anything about myself.  Never initiates any contact even though I've reached out to her many times over the years.  Now I get it; she just doesn't have any interest in knowing me and that's OK.   It kills her father to see me ignored like this.  Of course, when she got married she made it clear my DH was expected to welcome her husband with open arms as his "son" and immediately bond with him despite only meeting him twice.

The point is the mirror goes two ways - once adults, step kids have to reflect on their own behavior and ask themselves if they have done what they could to foster a good relationship, too.   [/quote]

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