How do you choose backup parents in case your and your DH kick the bucket?

[Anonymous]

We have no suitable family members (loser siblings and old parents) so just gonna stay alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: Do you all plan to ask your back-ups if they want that responsibility. I would be horrified if someone listed me without me knowing (and wouldn't consent to this arrangement).

Absolutely, you can’t just put people down without asking their agreement.

Ah, okay. good to know that as no one has asked me yet!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have no suitable family members (loser siblings and old parents) so just gonna stay alive.

cousins? Good friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We couldnt agree and DW adamantly insisted on her parents (ages 70+) as backups. Terrible idea and I deeply regret not going to the mat on insisting in someone younger. Hopefully we dont die at the same time.

There should be backups to your in-laws lined up. My SIL died intestate and her young children went to elderly MIL. She is managing with the help of a live-in nanny and weekend help but the whole setup will crash if she can’t.

I agree completely. It's a little more complicated with DW having a hard time acknowledging her parents mortality and that one day they will be old and infirm or dead. The whole thing was a very hard and stressful discussion...at some point i need to revive it.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have struggled with this. My parents are at an age that they can’t handle raising a small child. My sister and I have no relationship, my brother is a wonderful dad but my SIL would not be someone I could trust to raise my child in a loving way. One of my close friends who had a son a few months younger than DD. DD and friend’s son are besties, my close friend and I feel like they are brother and sister. Friend flippantly said one time that if anything ever happened to us she would take DD in an instant. Ironically, on Saturday before Kobe’s untimely death, kids were having a play date and I told close friend if anything happens to DH and me we want her to take DD. She again said of course. DH and I are so grateful to have her and others like her in our lives. It’s a weighty issue if you don’t have family that can step up.

[Anonymous]

Good friends who have 1 kid of their own 2 years older than our dd are our backup. Our parents are too old and dh's siblings would not be good choices - she would be the red headed stepchild in their homes. My sister is the backup to the backup - heart of gold and a great mom and would gladly bring my dd into the fold if need be, but they do things a lot differently (TV on all the time, no reading, no travel).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole shock of the Kobe Bryant death made think I need to write our will and plan for god forbid something happen to us both. The problem is, I can’t think of anyone who would be a good fit?! My side has legitimate issues - one sibling had a DH cheat on her, the others are some version on mentally ill.

DH’s side he has one sister that could do it, but she is passive aggressive and seems money hungry.

These are all people I love and care about, but the idea of putting my children in their care is anxiety inducing.

Welcome people sharing what compromises or plans they have made for their kids!

If you appoint your dh's sister the guardian, you should leave your assets in a trust for the kids and have someone else be the trustee. Actually regardless of who the guardian is, it is a good rule to have one person be trustee of the money and another be the guardian.

[Anonymous]

My XH and I could not agree although his siblings made it clear that they wouldn’t/couldn’t and my BFF & her DH were ready to step up. I’m remarried now so my DH would take over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole shock of the Kobe Bryant death made think I need to write our will and plan for god forbid something happen to us both. The problem is, I can’t think of anyone who would be a good fit?! My side has legitimate issues - one sibling had a DH cheat on her, the others are some version on mentally ill.

DH’s side he has one sister that could do it, but she is passive aggressive and seems money hungry.

These are all people I love and care about, but the idea of putting my children in their care is anxiety inducing.

Welcome people sharing what compromises or plans they have made for their kids!

If you appoint your dh's sister the guardian, you should leave your assets in a trust for the kids and have someone else be the trustee. Actually regardless of who the guardian is, it is a good rule to have one person be trustee of the money and another be the guardian.

NP. Some people will agree to this, but I never would. If I'm raising your kids in the event of the worst, no way in hell am I dealing with your Aunt Edna on a constant basis, and letting her decide whether we are able to purchase a larger house to house your kids, or letting her decide what a reasonable vehicle is if we had to get a larger one. Hell to the no.

That might very well make me the wrong choice for you, and I completely understand that.

[Anonymous]

We thought long and hard about it, and debated several family members. None would be ideal in terms of high educational expectations or automatically making the same choices for them that we would. We settled on DH’s sister, since she is fairly close to the grandparents, who could also lend a hand.

As time goes on and the kids get older, anxiety about this possibility dissipates. We have trusts in place, have modeled academic expectations and our own values long enough for them to be somewhat ingrained, and the kids aren’t so young that a guardian would be their only childhood role model if we were to die.

[Anonymous]

We chose our best friends who live a mile from us because our parents were old and our siblings live nowhere near us. And yes, we told them and they accepted.

[Anonymous]

We designated my sister (married, childless so far, not local) with the understanding that it might make sense for DD to stay with DH's parents to finish out a school year or even two. DH's parents are local and pretty healthy, and also would have control of the trust.

We have a couple local friends who I feel would be as good or better as guardians, but I don't yet feel we're close enough to ask. I could see redoing our paperwork at some point in the future.

Somebody advised me not to look for ideal guardians -- the ideal guardians are me and DH. If we aren't available then any safe and loving situation is better than letting the courts figure it out. I don't like DH's siblings but I would designate them if we had no one else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 5 siblings between me and DH. Only one, however, is probably capable of taking care of our kids. The others are single and/or incapable of taking care of children or I don't want their version of taking care of children. The one that is listed has two grown children already who turned out pretty decent. There is another sibling I might choose, but that sibling is now waaay too old.

Why does being single disqualify them? All of our sibs are single, so we tapped the one who has the best social skills and seems to manage his finances well. With the insurance money he would get if we passed, he would be able to afford a full time nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 5 siblings between me and DH. Only one, however, is probably capable of taking care of our kids. The others are single and/or incapable of taking care of children or I don't want their version of taking care of children. The one that is listed has two grown children already who turned out pretty decent. There is another sibling I might choose, but that sibling is now waaay too old.

Why does being single disqualify them? All of our sibs are single, so we tapped the one who has the best social skills and seems to manage his finances well. With the insurance money he would get if we passed, he would be able to afford a full time nanny.

A single person would also have to hire after hours and weekend help, assuming they work full-time and hope to have a social life. It’s a HUGE ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 5 siblings between me and DH. Only one, however, is probably capable of taking care of our kids. The others are single and/or incapable of taking care of children or I don't want their version of taking care of children. The one that is listed has two grown children already who turned out pretty decent. There is another sibling I might choose, but that sibling is now waaay too old.

Why does being single disqualify them? All of our sibs are single, so we tapped the one who has the best social skills and seems to manage his finances well. With the insurance money he would get if we passed, he would be able to afford a full time nanny.

A single person would also have to hire after hours and weekend help, assuming they work full-time and hope to have a social life. It’s a HUGE ask.

For a single person, taking on 2 or 3 kids probably means they won’t ever have kids of their own - how would they meet, let alone date someone??? That’s an enormous sacrifice I think most people would not make.