How do you choose backup parents in case your and your DH kick the bucket?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL died with two young children and it caused huge crisis in DH’s family since their dad was gone too. We could only take one. BIL wouldn’t take any due to having raised his children and he and his wife having stressful jobs. 70 yr old MIL ended up with kids so they wouldn’t be split up. Family is a broken hip away from another crisis.

I think splitting up siblings is under most circumstances cruel and unusual especially when they've lost their parents

Sometimes there isn’t a better option, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL died with two young children and it caused huge crisis in DH’s family since their dad was gone too. We could only take one. BIL wouldn’t take any due to having raised his children and he and his wife having stressful jobs. 70 yr old MIL ended up with kids so they wouldn’t be split up. Family is a broken hip away from another crisis.

I think splitting up siblings is under most circumstances cruel and unusual especially when they've lost their parents

Well, word to the wise, that can be what happens when parents die with the affairs out of order and there is not sufficient life insurance.

[Anonymous]

None of our relatives or friends would agree to be named guardian for my autistic son if my husband and I died simultaneously. Now that he is an adult and living in a group home we have been able to nominate a trustee to manage his special needs trust when we die and a cousin who is willing to periodically check on his health and well being, go to care plan meetings etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We couldnt agree and DW adamantly insisted on her parents (ages 70+) as backups. Terrible idea and I deeply regret not going to the mat on insisting in someone younger. Hopefully we dont die at the same time.

Maybe kids will be older by the time your in laws are incapacitated. 70s and healthy is fine, esp if they know how to raise kids right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of our relatives or friends would agree to be named guardian for my autistic son if my husband and I died simultaneously. Now that he is an adult and living in a group home we have been able to nominate a trustee to manage his special needs trust when we die and a cousin who is willing to periodically check on his health and well being, go to care plan meetings etc.

You’re farther along than we are, pp. We haven’t found an appropriate group home for our DD yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We couldnt agree and DW adamantly insisted on her parents (ages 70+) as backups. Terrible idea and I deeply regret not going to the mat on insisting in someone younger. Hopefully we dont die at the same time.

Maybe kids will be older by the time your in laws are incapacitated. 70s and healthy is fine, esp if they know how to raise kids right.

They can't do it, they dont have the energy to keep up with a 1 and 3 year old which is understandable because I find it tiring even at 37. I think its also disruptive because the odds are they will die before the kids graduate HS and they would have to move again. Nice people, just not a workable situation.

[Anonymous]

We chose my brother and SIL but now that they have two kids of their own and my kids are a little older, I'm thinking of changing it to my parents. My parents are still in their early/mid 60s and physically able (and retired so they have lots of time). And they live much closer to my ILs so they could easily manage between the four of them. DH's sister is also an option but she never had kids herself as I don't think she nor BIL want them so I don't want to saddle them with my kids. She would be a great mom though.

We are the backup option for our best friends' kids. And we gladly accepted. Their families have a lot of issues on both sides.

[Anonymous]

We asked friends because we have no suitable siblings. Asked a second set of friends to be backup guardians and had considered making them the first choice. Second set of friends is now split up due to infidelity and all kinds of other issues.

[Anonymous]

It sucks, but you make the best choice, plus a back up choice, to protect your kids.

.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have no suitable family members (loser siblings and old parents) so just gonna stay alive.

this is my plan as well.

Ex-h has one sibling (of his four siblings) who I would trust to raise DS - his parents and the rest are all no-go's.

I have one sibling, she is child free by choice and would not welcome or appreciate the idea of taking DS and I'm fine with that. No parents.

[Anonymous]

rich ones.

[Anonymous]

Yeah we are kinda screwed in this regard. No suitable family. We are just praying we both stay alive.

[Anonymous]

I read an article about the deplorable conditions children without guardians have to live through. This made me more comfortable listing my loser sibling as backup since doing nothing is way worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah we are kinda screwed in this regard. No suitable family. We are just praying we both stay alive.

No good friends? We couldn't use family either, but were grateful to have old friends who accepted in an instant. We know they'd take care of dd as well as we could possibly hope for in those circumstances, and they know both sides of our family so dd could still have that connection.

[Anonymous]

We're in the process of making our will now and after ruling out most of our dysfunctional-at-best family members, we're also trying very hard to stay alive.

We did pick one guardian and one back up though. Especially since most of our relatives aren't fit to raise kids, we don't want it to be thrown to chance. We figure at this point we're just picking the least-worst options so our kids wouldn't be stuck with an even worse option.

This is a very difficult thing to do when you come from an abusive family. It really takes an emotional toll to catalog why each horrid family member wouldn't do. First you get screwed over by being born into this family and not having decent parents, then you get scared as an adult because you realize your children are so vulnerable if anything ever happens to you. It's like reliving it all again. It's one of those things that might be hard for people from stable homes to comprehend but the rest of us understand all too well.

Here's to a long and healthy life for the rest of us!