Unknowing mutual friend insisting I have dinner with ex-AP while traveling.

[Anonymous]

Yes, be direct. You can be straightforward without revealing anything OP. PPs gave some good language. Anything along the lines of "We are no longer friends. It is painful, and private, so getting together with them is not an option."

And if pressed for more information "I can't discuss it Jane - it's very private, and it's ancient history at this point."

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming there is a Mrs. AP and she's going to handle this in her own way. You're better off just bowing out to the dinner at the last minute. When you have an affair you don't get to keep all the mutual friends, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constructive advice...be straight up about it and say “I don’t wanna get together with So-and-So my husband and I can’t stand him.”

This or move your trip. Anything else and your friend will still try and facilitate a meet up.

I would not rearrange travel over this. Just draw a boundary with your time, and don’t feel guilty about respecting it. It ain’t that serious. This person shouldn’t cost any more tome, money, or effort than they already have.

I think this depends on how much you care about potentially avoiding being asked why you don’t want to see them. I don’t think this is a boundary thing. Maybe OP is trying to protect her spouse from gossip mill. Not so cut and dry to me. If I had friends that were suddenly not talking, it would come up again at some point. Maybe years in the future, but doubt it will just be accepted as a matter of fact and never questioned or thought of again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constructive advice...be straight up about it and say “I don’t wanna get together with So-and-So my husband and I can’t stand him.”

This or move your trip. Anything else and your friend will still try and facilitate a meet up.

I would not rearrange travel over this. Just draw a boundary with your time, and don’t feel guilty about respecting it. It ain’t that serious. This person shouldn’t cost any more tome, money, or effort than they already have.

I think this depends on how much you care about potentially avoiding being asked why you don’t want to see them. I don’t think this is a boundary thing. Maybe OP is trying to protect her spouse from gossip mill. Not so cut and dry to me. If I had friends that were suddenly not talking, it would come up again at some point. Maybe years in the future, but doubt it will just be accepted as a matter of fact and never questioned or thought of again.

+1

[Anonymous]

y'all know that no woman would ever let it go.

horrible stomach bug and explosive diarrhea for the win.

[Anonymous]

That's why staying with cheaters is more of a pain than it's worth. Normal people don't have to worry about things like this. This is karma for being a terrible person and cucking your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Definitely your friend is going to attempt to get to the bottom of why you suddenly are not speaking to a formerly close friend.

Feign illness.

[Anonymous]

Surely you have other plans. If you don't, have them.

[Anonymous]

Im glad some of you got OP initial post, because I was lost for a second.

I hope whatever OP decides, that they are straightforward with it and not draw out an explanation.

[Anonymous]

NP. It's not clear to me whether OP and her DH are staying with the friend they're visiting. If they were, I figure she'd say so in her post. But still--not clear. OP, you can get away with the "we're sick at the last second" thing if you're not staying in this friend's house, but if you are staying there, it's going to be clear no one is actually sick, and your host will be bewildered, possibly insulted and have a lot of questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constructive advice...be straight up about it and say “I don’t wanna get together with So-and-So my husband and I can’t stand him.”

This or move your trip. Anything else and your friend will still try and facilitate a meet up.

I would not rearrange travel over this. Just draw a boundary with your time, and don’t feel guilty about respecting it. It ain’t that serious. This person shouldn’t cost any more tome, money, or effort than they already have.

I think this depends on how much you care about potentially avoiding being asked why you don’t want to see them. I don’t think this is a boundary thing. Maybe OP is trying to protect her spouse from gossip mill. Not so cut and dry to me. If I had friends that were suddenly not talking, it would come up again at some point. Maybe years in the future, but doubt it will just be accepted as a matter of fact and never questioned or thought of again.

I think the problem is not that OP is that worried about the friend asking the AP about it, she's worried about the friend asking OP and her DH about it at the dinner. So whatever she says needs to also make sure that if they go to dinner, the friend isn't going to be all, 'come on now please tell me what happened with AP! You guys were always so close what did he do???' That means OP has to say more than 'there was a falling out.' She needs to make sure the topic is now verboten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's why staying with cheaters is more of a pain than it's worth. Normal people don't have to worry about things like this. This is karma for being a terrible person and cucking your spouse.

kinda have to agree with this

[Anonymous]

Do you know how long the ex-AP is in town on vacation? Bc if it overlaps your entire stay, you would have trouble feigning illness that entire time. If that's the case, I would seriously reconsider the vacation location or timing. Can you have a competing business trip pop up?

If there is only one night overlap, definitely a stomach bug. Your friend would likely say to ex-AP "it's too bad sick friend couldn't join us" but not linger on you.

And definitely don't post on social media during this trip!

[Anonymous]

Just cancel your plans with your friend, op. Be careful of adults that insist that another adult do anything. Be even more careful if you think you can't say no. This situation didn't require a post to resolve, and the fact that you think it did speaks volumes.

Finally, know that your friend probably knows or suspects what happened. Most adults only have a falling out over money or sex, either they had sex, they didn't have sex when one or both of them wanted to, they wanted or want to have sex, or one of the pair didn't think the other adult should have sex with someone else or anybody else for that matter.

Your first duty is to protect your husband, yourself and your marriage. Simply cancel any plans, though also know there are very very few secrets, and if your friend insists on anything while also talking endlessly about a friend to the point of making his/her friend's spouse uncomfortable, (who does this anyway unless they want to start trouble?) this friend is no friend at all. Platonic friends can f**ck up marriages just as badly if not more so then affair partners. It sounds like you may have just such a person in your life.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Grown folks need to learn how to stop being afraid of saying no. You don't owe anybody an explanation.