Unknowing mutual friend insisting I have dinner with ex-AP while traveling.

[Anonymous]

Looking for constructive advice only...please don’t rip me apart.

My family will be traveling on vacation and visiting an old friend. We have already made tentative dinner plans. It just so happens that our mutual friend will also be in town with his family. Of course now the friend I am visiting is insisting we all get together. However, this person is somebody that I cannot see. I have worked very hard to heal from significant emotional trauma from this person...it almost ruined my marriage. Of course DH nor I would agree to get together with this person, but my bigger problem is how to tell my friend no - without raising red flags. We all used to be very close so it would be fairly shocking for me to say no. While I doubt this person would ever agree to see me either, my concern is that during the dinner my friend will sabotage the conversation by going on and on about how it’s crazy we are all in the same town on the same week and can’t even get together. My DH is not going to want to sit through a dinner like that! I feel like I’m walking into something I’d rather avoid. Is there anything I can do/say to make this actually bearable at this point? Not bringing DH to dinner is not an option! Thanks for any suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Could you either (1) tell the mutual friend that you had a falling out and are not comfortable discussing but dinner isn’t possible or (2) tell the mutual friend you’re only available one evening for dinner and then hope that your ex-AP isn’t available that night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking for constructive advice only...please don’t rip me apart.

My family will be traveling on vacation and visiting an old friend. We have already made tentative dinner plans. It just so happens that our mutual friend will also be in town with his family. Of course now the friend I am visiting is insisting we all get together. However, this person is somebody that I cannot see. I have worked very hard to heal from significant emotional trauma from this person...it almost ruined my marriage. Of course DH nor I would agree to get together with this person, but my bigger problem is how to tell my friend no - without raising red flags. We all used to be very close so it would be fairly shocking for me to say no. While I doubt this person would ever agree to see me either, my concern is that during the dinner my friend will sabotage the conversation by going on and on about how it’s crazy we are all in the same town on the same week and can’t even get together. My DH is not going to want to sit through a dinner like that! I feel like I’m walking into something I’d rather avoid. Is there anything I can do/say to make this actually bearable at this point? Not bringing DH to dinner is not an option! Thanks for any suggestions.

Can you just say you and so and so had a falling out so it would be a bit awkward?

If asked why, just say you’d rather not talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Did you guys all go to college together or something? I’m trying to understand the dynamic. Are you flying to this other city? Is it possible to change the trip dates?

[Anonymous]

You and you husband can both come down with a TERRIBLE stomach virus.

[Anonymous]

"David and I are no longer friends. It was a very painful schism and im sure he would not want to see me either. I don't want to get into the details but we cannot have dinner together. Do you still want to get together? Its important to me that if we do get together we can just not discuss David and his family. Im sure this seems very dramatic but please respect this, it is still quite painful for me"

[Anonymous]

Constructive advice...be straight up about it and say “I don’t wanna get together with So-and-So my husband and I can’t stand him.”

[Anonymous]

Either you, DH or child comes down with some illness. This is the easiest way without any drama. Maybe the other couple will decline the invite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Constructive advice...be straight up about it and say “I don’t wanna get together with So-and-So my husband and I can’t stand him.”

This or move your trip. Anything else and your friend will still try and facilitate a meet up.

[Anonymous]

Just be honest. “We haven’t spoken in years since a falling out, and truly aren’t comfortable seeing Person 1. We would love to meet up with you 1:1, but understand if the opportunity won’t permit this trip given the circumstances. On top of that we were able to confirm plans for an activity that create a conflict with the time we were previously considering, so maybe you just go ahead and meet with Person 1, and we will catch you the next time!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constructive advice...be straight up about it and say “I don’t wanna get together with So-and-So my husband and I can’t stand him.”

This or move your trip. Anything else and your friend will still try and facilitate a meet up.

I would not rearrange travel over this. Just draw a boundary with your time, and don’t feel guilty about respecting it. It ain’t that serious. This person shouldn’t cost any more tome, money, or effort than they already have.

[Anonymous]

“We’d love yo get together with you but I am not willing to see X.”

If you say it the right way, she may not ask why, but if she does, then you say “we had a falling out.” No elaboration, let it sit there. Most people will not ask a second time. They’ve asked their one question and know pushing for more is rude. If she pushes, then standard, “it’s not worth going into; or, I don’t want to go into it further; etc”. She will wonder, but you can just ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We’d love yo get together with you but I am not willing to see X.”

If you say it the right way, she may not ask why, but if she does, then you say “we had a falling out.” No elaboration, let it sit there. Most people will not ask a second time. They’ve asked their one question and know pushing for more is rude. If she pushes, then standard, “it’s not worth going into; or, I don’t want to go into it further; etc”. She will wonder, but you can just ignore.

-1

This sounds good in theory, until the person is who inviting you unknowingly asks your ex-AP what on earth happened. Then it will be in your ex-APs hands, who might very well put you.

I agree with the stomach virus posters.

[Anonymous]

Out you, not “put” you. Autocorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We’d love yo get together with you but I am not willing to see X.”

If you say it the right way, she may not ask why, but if she does, then you say “we had a falling out.” No elaboration, let it sit there. Most people will not ask a second time. They’ve asked their one question and know pushing for more is rude. If she pushes, then standard, “it’s not worth going into; or, I don’t want to go into it further; etc”. She will wonder, but you can just ignore.

-1

This sounds good in theory, until the person is who inviting you unknowingly asks your ex-AP what on earth happened. Then it will be in your ex-APs hands, who might very well put you.

I agree with the stomach virus posters.

NP - I'm not doing all that. All that hiding, running, panicking, and pretending; way too much work for me. I'd rather just be straight up and say I don't want to have dinner with him. If the old friend gets curious and asks the ex-AP, so what? What's the repercussions, gossip? Hmph... I'm not in high school anymore damned if I'm gonna be pressured by the fear of gossip into putting on some grandiose performance for people who aren't central figures in my life and I don't even interact with on a daily basis.