Good, sobering read for anyone considering being an affair partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time the OW is discussed on here, it's assumed that she's: single, duped by her AP into believing he's unhappy at home when he's actually getting tons of sex, and pining/waiting to be with him long-term.

I wonder what percentage of affairs actually fit this description. Certainly NONE of the ones I'm aware of, including my own. Usually the OW is also married, indifferent to his home life, and wants to stay in her own marriage if only for her kids.

+1

Another +1. I just popped in to say just this. I don’t know any single woman AP who wants the guy in the long run. The women I know are married themselves and are looking for something they’re not getting in their marriages, not to replace their husbands.

I know someone like this... going on right now. She is single, never married, no kids. She is super smitten at him (I have no idea why, he's really nothing special). He's never going to leave his wife. Told her the usual sob story - he married his wife too young (college sweethearts), no passion, no sex, nothing in common anymore, she's let herself go, he can't leave because she can't function without him, etc etc. My friend is a highly educated and accomplished person and I can't believe she bought any of that BS.

+1

Daddy issues - I have seen it first hand. NP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I travel a lot and I have 3 APs, in the destinations where I visit a few times a year. All are currently unmarried. They know my situation, and I'm also very clear that if they do find someone, I understand if they want to cut it off and I'll wish them the best. That happened with one for a period of time, then that ended and we resumed what we had before.

None of them expect me to end my marriage, and I've also made it clear I won't. As far as I can tell, they're OK with that. We have fun and enjoy each other's company. Nothing more than that.

So they are or aren't toilet paper to you, as PP declared?

They are TP. "Nothing more than that", they basically served the purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time the OW is discussed on here, it's assumed that she's: single, duped by her AP into believing he's unhappy at home when he's actually getting tons of sex, and pining/waiting to be with him long-term.

I wonder what percentage of affairs actually fit this description. Certainly NONE of the ones I'm aware of, including my own. Usually the OW is also married, indifferent to his home life, and wants to stay in her own marriage if only for her kids.

+1

Another +1. I just popped in to say just this. I don’t know any single woman AP who wants the guy in the long run. The women I know are married themselves and are looking for something they’re not getting in their marriages, not to replace their husbands.

I know someone like this... going on right now. She is single, never married, no kids. She is super smitten at him (I have no idea why, he's really nothing special). He's never going to leave his wife. Told her the usual sob story - he married his wife too young (college sweethearts), no passion, no sex, nothing in common anymore, she's let herself go, he can't leave because she can't function without him, etc etc. My friend is a highly educated and accomplished person and I can't believe she bought any of that BS.

+1

Daddy issues - I have seen it first hand. NP here.

Maybe... but her parents were happily married for 40 years before her dad passed away. And he was a great guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time the OW is discussed on here, it's assumed that she's: single, duped by her AP into believing he's unhappy at home when he's actually getting tons of sex, and pining/waiting to be with him long-term.

I wonder what percentage of affairs actually fit this description. Certainly NONE of the ones I'm aware of, including my own. Usually the OW is also married, indifferent to his home life, and wants to stay in her own marriage if only for her kids.

I think it depends on your age. I’m in my early thirties and know of a few affair situations and they were all with someone who was single. But I think there are simply more unmarried people in their late 20s/early 30s than in their 40s and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I travel a lot and I have 3 APs, in the destinations where I visit a few times a year. All are currently unmarried. They know my situation, and I'm also very clear that if they do find someone, I understand if they want to cut it off and I'll wish them the best. That happened with one for a period of time, then that ended and we resumed what we had before.

None of them expect me to end my marriage, and I've also made it clear I won't. As far as I can tell, they're OK with that. We have fun and enjoy each other's company. Nothing more than that.

So they are or aren't toilet paper to you, as PP declared?

They are TP. "Nothing more than that", they basically served the purpose.

Oof, but you are a pretty awful human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s always a lot of discussion about whether cheaters are justified in their choice to cheat and lots of discussion about how the spouse who’s been cheated on should respond, but not so much on the perspective of the OW or AP.
Here I think the moral of the story is you can’t go into a cheating situation as the AP without expecting lies, lies and more lies, and you can’t expect your cheating lover to make any commitment to you, the AP. Lastly your cheating lover will never put your feelings first because he isn’t considering his wife’s feelings. And men who says they’re unhappy with their marriage, considering separating, in the process of divorce are probably lying so they don’t have to say they’re cheating when they get together with you.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/between-the-sheets/201809/how-the-other-woman-or-man-fares-after-affair

Just read

Anna Karenina
Madame Bovary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time the OW is discussed on here, it's assumed that she's: single, duped by her AP into believing he's unhappy at home when he's actually getting tons of sex, and pining/waiting to be with him long-term.

I wonder what percentage of affairs actually fit this description. Certainly NONE of the ones I'm aware of, including my own. Usually the OW is also married, indifferent to his home life, and wants to stay in her own marriage if only for her kids.

I've had liaisons with a number of married men in my time. At no point was I in love with any of them, expected total truthfulness or any sort of place on their priority order (or expected to give them one in mine). I was indifferent to his home life, and was not at all interested in marrying him, and I don't think any of them ever wanted to anything serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some women it's just about the sex. Most APs who are women are hoping he will leave the wife at some point. They are jealous of the wife's life and after awhile most APs realize they were only for 1 thing. No different than a piece of toilet paper. Certainly there are exceptions, but this is pretty much the rule.

No, not really. You have to understand the real meaning of affairs with married men from the point of view of single women. It's like this. You are at home in the evening and hungry but you know you forgot to grocery shop the day before and before the day before. You scrounge. You eventually find some lettuce, a stale piece of bread and a smidge of mayo. You eat it. Is it delicious? no. But it tides you over until the real thing. Married men are the same. We know it's not the real thing. We just want a little companionship at this moment of time, and he will do until the real thing shows up. No more is a normal girl in love with a married man than she thinks lettuce on stale bread is a good meal.

[Anonymous]

And I didn't author this by the way, Helen Gurley Brown did.

[Anonymous]

What’s the point of the article...? No one points a gun their head? Male of female AP... You do the crime, you do time. As an AP, you know what you’re getting into. You’re a fool thinking the married person is going to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some women it's just about the sex. Most APs who are women are hoping he will leave the wife at some point. They are jealous of the wife's life and after awhile most APs realize they were only for 1 thing. No different than a piece of toilet paper. Certainly there are exceptions, but this is pretty much the rule.

Definitely my situation. And she was completely obsessed with my now ex-husband, my child and my life. I even noticed how over time her social media started to mirror my own. She would take pics with her child and create posts very similar to the ones I posted with my child. It was weird. She did many things to copy me, including moving to my neighborhood from out-of-state and putting her child in the same school as mine. I wear my hair very short and she cut hers off. It kind of reminded me of the movie "Single White Female."

I first discovered their affair when she started to comment on pics of my child that my ex would post. She acted as if she knew him. She was clearly trying to mark her territory and let it be known that she was somewhat familiar. She know of my child, but didn't know my child. Zoom to 7 years later and my former spouse left to be with her. I wish them the best that two disgusting people deserve. But all descriptions they are both narcs.

So yeah, some OW's are in it just for the sex or whatever, but some are clearly nutcases and these dumbass men fall hook, line and sinker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For some women it's just about the sex. Most APs who are women are hoping he will leave the wife at some point. They are jealous of the wife's life and after awhile most APs realize they were only for 1 thing. No different than a piece of toilet paper. Certainly there are exceptions, but this is pretty much the rule.

Definitely my situation. And she was completely obsessed with my now ex-husband, my child and my life. I even noticed how over time her social media started to mirror my own. She would take pics with her child and create posts very similar to the ones I posted with my child. It was weird. She did many things to copy me, including moving to my neighborhood from out-of-state and putting her child in the same school as mine. I wear my hair very short and she cut hers off. It kind of reminded me of the movie "Single White Female."

I first discovered their affair when she started to comment on pics of my child that my ex would post. She acted as if she knew him. She was clearly trying to mark her territory and let it be known that she was somewhat familiar. She know of my child, but didn't know my child. Zoom to 7 years later and my former spouse left to be with her. I wish them the best that two disgusting people deserve. But all descriptions they are both narcs.

So yeah, some OW's are in it just for the sex or whatever, but some are clearly nutcases and these dumbass men fall hook, line and sinker.

Yeah, you’re divorced, but you did marry his dumbass!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time the OW is discussed on here, it's assumed that she's: single, duped by her AP into believing he's unhappy at home when he's actually getting tons of sex, and pining/waiting to be with him long-term.

I wonder what percentage of affairs actually fit this description. Certainly NONE of the ones I'm aware of, including my own. Usually the OW is also married, indifferent to his home life, and wants to stay in her own marriage if only for her kids.

I had about 15 affair partners in 5 years. A little over half were married and had their own reasons for stepping out but all of them claimed to be in sexless marriages except one. That one said her sex life was great, she just had a lot of resentment towards her DH so she did it out of spite I guess (I really didn't care why). The not-married women really surprised me although those "relationships" were shorter, in general than the married women. Surprised because I assumed no sigle woman wanted that kind of FWB relationship with a married man, but I was proven wrong. Also, it was the single women who pursued me where I pursued all the married women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time the OW is discussed on here, it's assumed that she's: single, duped by her AP into believing he's unhappy at home when he's actually getting tons of sex, and pining/waiting to be with him long-term.

I wonder what percentage of affairs actually fit this description. Certainly NONE of the ones I'm aware of, including my own. Usually the OW is also married, indifferent to his home life, and wants to stay in her own marriage if only for her kids.

+1

Another +1. I just popped in to say just this. I don’t know any single woman AP who wants the guy in the long run. The women I know are married themselves and are looking for something they’re not getting in their marriages, not to replace their husbands.

That was certainly true with the single woman I was with. I was just a port in the storm to be discarded at any time she wanted to pursue a real relationship with an available guy. Not a one of them wanted anything more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I travel a lot and I have 3 APs, in the destinations where I visit a few times a year. All are currently unmarried. They know my situation, and I'm also very clear that if they do find someone, I understand if they want to cut it off and I'll wish them the best. That happened with one for a period of time, then that ended and we resumed what we had before.

None of them expect me to end my marriage, and I've also made it clear I won't. As far as I can tell, they're OK with that. We have fun and enjoy each other's company. Nothing more than that.

So they are or aren't toilet paper to you, as PP declared?

He is actually toilet paper to them as I've been in the same situation. My single APs all used me for sex only when they didn't want a committed relationship making it clear I could be cast aside at any time if she decided she wanted an available man. And I was. Same as this guy.