Reply to adoptees, would you spend holidays with your biofamily?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Very few times did I go visit when my extending bio-relatives were there as well. Often one in the bunch was not comfortable with my being there, which I can respect. I did extend an open invitation to come visit me. Twice a year she would come for a week or two. [/quote]

Thanks, pp. OP here. This is very similar to how we've been handling it thus far. Did you ever do holidays together? Did you want to? Did she? What was that like for you? Did it just not come up?[/quote]

I went to her birthday party one year and a family reunion. She came to my wedding and a Thanksgiving once. I was very comfortable with her coming and joining in with my adoptive family, but less comfortable heading into larger gathers with my bio-family. Honestly the hardest was her funeral. I wanted to be there, but knew it would be hard on the others...so I stayed away. [/quote]

Wow. So, very similar. We've been doing the exact same thing. Are you happy with the decisions that were made, for the most part anyway? Would you do it differently if you had it to do again? Do you regret, now that she's gone, not going to bio-family events more - even if that upset some others - for your own sake?

Thanks very much for sharing. - OP[/quote]

Occasionally I second guess not going to her funeral, but do believe it was what was best for those also struggling with her death. I am pleased over all, we had some great visits together and I have fun memories and pictures. I went into the first visit with the whole family completely naive, and just not really thinking in any great depth of how others were feeling. I am completely open to getting to know and maintain a relationship with any of my bio-family who wish the same. I'm also willing to answer a few random questions one may have, and then have them back away. I didn't want to create drama or damage family relationships already in place.  It is complicated as you are both family and a stranger (outsider.) If important to you ask now about her parents and grandparents. Get pictures if possible and record stories.  [/quote]

OP here. Thank you so much for having this conversation with me. I am trying not to be naive and as a result, have also been very selective about what I have attended for fear of hurting others' feelings. People have been 100% nice at everything I've attended, with the exception of that one brother. It's been 10 years since we initiated contact and even tho I demure each year, my biomother keeps asking for Christmas. I have always said no, but I feel like I revictimize her each time I do it since she has said it is her greatest wish to spend Christmas with all her children and that it's something she's thought about since her parents forced her to place. That's a lot of Christmases to have a secret broken heart. But, like you said, it's complicated by all these other people who have feelings too. It's such a crap situation.

Your tip about family record is great advice. We are already working on a family history together. I'm the family genealogist, oddly enough.[/quote]

Given that she's asked for 10 years, she is elderly, and you have been staying away out of respect for others' feelings, perhaps you could write a letter to the unhappy brother and offer a truce, for one day (next Christmas) for the sake of your mother. Explain that it seems very important to her, that you would like to do this one thing to make her happy, but that you also have respect for his feelings and don't want to hurt him with your presence. Point out that you've declined for years for his sake. Ask him if he'd be willing to have you there one time, as a potentially last Christmas gift to his mother. You would have to craft the letter carefully and with an intent to soothe his pain/ego, and of course, you risk that he says no.[/quote]

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