Reply to If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In general, the women who people perceive to be exclusive don't usually intend that. They are doing their thing with their friends with whom they are close. Their kids have been together for a long time because the moms are friends so they spend a lot of time together.

Which is not to say that they should not be more welcoming -- they should be. But I think often it's not about intentionally leaving anyone out as it is about being oblivious and not really giving much thought to how they are perceived and the vibe they give off.[/quote]
I agree with this.  I'm not in a group of mom friends, but have been excluded.  I remember being at an out of town basketball tournament and the group was going on about how they had dinner the night before etc and I was thinking, "wow, they are really not thinking, that there are five of them talking about this dinner and I'm here and they didn't invite me (or my kid)."

They are just not thinking...about you.  So they don't think to invite you to dinner, and don't think about how you are standing there listening to them talk about their dinner.  Or whatever it is, OP.

I don't take it personally and I also know others who have been excluded and there is nothing wrong with these moms or these kids that were excluded.  It's just that that group goes way back and they are tight, and they have no idea how exclusionary or mean that they may appear to others.[/quote]

I agree with both the PPs. I felt that way all last year when my DS started at a private school.  My son liked the school, but I felt so alone and left out by the parents who had known each other for years. I missed my public school parents friends at school functions.  I don't think that it was really ever about me, but as others have said, they had existing bonds and I couldn't break through. I don't have the time or energy to go too far out of my way to ingratiate myself with an existing group, so I let it go and brought a book to read when I had no one to talk to.

My DD is now in a small private school and has clearly been left out by the "popular girls" who have a tight group and refuse to acknowledge that anyone else exists  That situation feels different to me, because based on what other parents have told me, there is intentional exclusion going on, which, if targeted or prolonged, is a form of bullying.  Fortunately, my daughter is confident enough to recognize that this is about them maintaining power and status, and not about her shortcomings.  She told me that she would rather have only one friend than be in with the popular girls who treat others like crap. Smart girl.

All we can do is work to develop relationships with people who share our interest and values.  Dwelling on exclusion, inadvertent or intention, is a waste of energy.  Like my daughter, I wouldn't want to be friends with the bitchy PP who clearly approves of her rude child looking down on her boring classmate.  [/quote]

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