Surprise! Hosting Thanksgiving...how to balance?

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs who said dress up your house and the table but don’t tell people what to wear.

Also if there is a tradition of football on TV, you have to do it, even if (like me) you hate it. Put it on in the basement and lose the remotes for all other TVs.

The challenge is to use the fancy things you love without making anyone uncomfortable, so you’ll just have to make sure you’re mentally prepared to be extra welcoming and to let no shadow cross your face if someone digs into the rolls before the blessing, or whatever. You want a formal tgiving and to be a good host, and making people feel welcome isn’t about crystal goblets or paper plates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of a sudden, DH's mom says she's not into hosting Thanksgiving this year, and would we do it. We're fine with that; in fact, I'm looking forward to it!

Plenty of the work will be done by DH (getting the yard looking nice, setting up tables and chairs, making the pie crust, because that's important to him). But most of the cooking day-of will fall to me.

My concern is: I like to do more formal holiday celebrations, and his family is super casual. I'd like to find some sort of balance, as I recognize that this is "for" his family, but it's in the home I share with DH, and I want to please myself and set a nice tone in my own house.

Help me think of what a "happy medium" celebration will look like that does NOT involve TV trays or sweat pants, but won't make anyone who usually celebrates that way uncomfortable.

TIA!

OP- do what makes YOU happy. I had family for Thanksgiving one year, and set a gorgeous table, worked for days making everything from scratch, but it wasn't "stuffy"- it was just really nice and the food was delicious. They loved it. Most people will see what the "tone" is for your dinner and will tend to go along, even if it isn't their thing. Someone mentioned having your DH set the stage a bit "Susan is so looking forward to making a nice meal, we've finally been able to use those serving dishes, etc." Beware of doing an amazing job because this might be your new role!

[Anonymous]

OP, what are the formal elements that you like that your DH's family doesn't use? And which of those are most important to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make your preferred menu, then add (or assign) one or two dishes that DH's family likes.

For me, this means asking his mom to bring mashed rutabegas (can easily be made a day or two in advance, and I don't have to bother), and DH makes a from-a-pie-pumpkin pie. (Libby's is fine in my book, but this is important to them.) I will sometimes make creamed onions (which I loathe) if someone in his family requests them.

So it's about adding a few things to your menu that are "their" things. That way, they are reflected in the food.

As for keeping it balanced:

-If they usually use paper plates, you may consider using regular dinner plates versus full-on china.

-If they wear sweats and PJs, ask DH to tell them ahead of time that it will be jeans and sweaters, so they don't feel surprised. And don't try to swing the pendulum all the way to church clothes or semi-formal dress.

-Consider leaving the TV on for the parade, then on but with volume OFF for dinner time. (I can't even fathom the TV on during a holiday dinner, but that might be a decent way to compromise.)

I always leave a tray of fruit out in the family room area (apples/pears and nonmessy fruit), so that people don’t come inside my kitchen prior to the meal.

Take it from Burger King Lady: Put the fruit outside on the back porch so no one is eating in your house!

Also, some smoked gouda and a small snifter of Frangelico will go really well with those pears.

I love you.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't have to be for his family! Why? Invite all that you want, it is your house and sounds like you are looking forward to it, so make it the way you want it. Maybe even ILS will appreciate it, maybe they long for a formal, awesome sit down dinner and not some casual Thanksgiving? Your house, your feast, you should have fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are the formal elements that you like that your DH's family doesn't use? And which of those are most important to you?

OP here. Thank you for the advice, all!

Most important to me:
-Using china (I only use it a few times a year, and I love it. My feeling is, why have it if you don't use it?)
-Homemade food (mostly; I am OK with a few things that are store-bought)
-No TV during the actual meal (though the suggestion to have it on but with volume off might be OK)

I am fine with people wearing whatever they want, but I am nervous that if they come in sweats or PJs and see the nice table and that DH and I are dressed a bit more nicely (I usually wear trousers and a blouse, and DH usually wears nice jeans and a sweater), they'll feel out of place. I don't want to tell anyone what to wear, but I also don't want them to feel like, "Hey, I would have dressed up if you told me!"

[Anonymous]

Rutabagas for Thanksgiving? Is that a sanctioned Thanksgiving dish by the other thread?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rutabagas for Thanksgiving? Is that a sanctioned Thanksgiving dish by the other thread?!

As long as it isn't rutabegas *in place of* mashed potatoes, it's fine.

But there will and should be a riot if you try to serve those instead of mashed potatoes.

[Anonymous]

Just host it however you want. I don’t understand the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just host it however you want. I don’t understand the issue.

You don't understand that OP likes a formal holiday, but she is aware of and sensitive to the fact that her guests prefer an informal holiday? You don't understand, from the very words she typed in her original post, that she is hoping to strike a nice balance between those two dynamics?

What is it, exactly, that you're not getting? Hopefully we can talk you through it and help you understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are the formal elements that you like that your DH's family doesn't use? And which of those are most important to you?

OP here. Thank you for the advice, all!

Most important to me:
-Using china (I only use it a few times a year, and I love it. My feeling is, why have it if you don't use it?)
-Homemade food (mostly; I am OK with a few things that are store-bought)
-No TV during the actual meal (though the suggestion to have it on but with volume off might be OK)

I am fine with people wearing whatever they want, but I am nervous that if they come in sweats or PJs and see the nice table and that DH and I are dressed a bit more nicely (I usually wear trousers and a blouse, and DH usually wears nice jeans and a sweater), they'll feel out of place. I don't want to tell anyone what to wear, but I also don't want them to feel like, "Hey, I would have dressed up if you told me!"

This sounds normal to me-- your DH should be a little bit direct with his family that you're "doing it up" a bit. If they still come in sweatpants, be gracious, but wear what you would like to wear. When it's time to eat DH can let everyone know that dinner is ready, and when they come to the table, he can turn the tv off.
Cook your homemade menu--everyone will love it. Homemade cranberry sauce, freshly made was a revelation to my family. They loved it.

[Anonymous]

If you send a casual email or group text a few days before (when people should hopefully ask what they can bring), tell them what you'd like them to bring and also add that you're so excited to host and can't wait to take a few nice family pics. This should be a clear clue as to how they should dress.

[Anonymous]

If you want to use china but balance formal/informal, then do some mixing and matching of pieces. Everything very symmetric and matchy-matchy reads as much more formal. Similarly for dressing the table -- if you have two tables with tablecloths, they can be complementary but should not exactly match. Consider mixing chairs, too.

Aim for the first, not the second:

[Anonymous]

^^Except some of us have china and want to use it. It would be harder for me to go out and buy mismatched stuff! I would have to actively go out of my way to buy mismatched "casual ware."

If you don't organically have mismatched table ware because, say, Aunt Edna gave you four plates, and you bought four plates in Mexico, and DH had three plates from his great-grandma, then it looks so forced and Pier 1-ish to do the "faux casual mismatched" thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Except some of us have china and want to use it. It would be harder for me to go out and buy mismatched stuff! I would have to actively go out of my way to buy mismatched "casual ware."

If you don't organically have mismatched table ware because, say, Aunt Edna gave you four plates, and you bought four plates in Mexico, and DH had three plates from his great-grandma, then it looks so forced and Pier 1-ish to do the "faux casual mismatched" thing.

I'm sorry, I thought everyone in the position of hosting like this had more than just one set of good china. My apologies!