I have no idea how to parent my 4 year old

[Anonymous]

You need a clear consequence for outright ignoring/disobedience. Enforce it every single time.
If you tell him to leave the light switch and he turns it on/off he gets a 4 min timeout.
When you are both calm explain this to him. Give examples of behaviors that will get the time out.

If you tell him to play while you make dinner you can say " You need to be out of the kitchen. You can play in the family room or your bedroom. If you don't pick one of those I will pick for you" No negotiating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants attention and he's figured out how to get lots of negative attention. Make him a deal: "go play in your room for 30 minutes and then you and I will have 15 minutes of uninterrupted play time." Then follow through and focus on him and only him for 15 minutes.

+1 except for the make-a-deal part. 4 yr olds have no concept of time. So saying :go play for 30 minutes" can seem like an eternity to them (and therefore an unreasonable and impossible to do from their perspective)
and ultamatims don't work well. It becomes a power struggle and you have too much pride to give-in and you get into a pissy mood which sets a bad tone and everything escalates b/c your 4 yr old doesn't understand...see how that quickly becomes a downward spiral.

How often are you "Go play while I do XYZ (check my phone)"? How much 1:1 attention does he get? How old is little brother? I'm guessing your 4 yr old is playing a bit of 2nd fiddle to his younger brother, no?

Trying to get some context.

Also, do you have a silly voice you can start using? Sounds odd, but I use it a lot. In a silly voice I'll say "Larlo, hey, dude, don't turn off the lights. I can't see where I'm going. Yikes, I going to walk into the wall . Ouch. Now I'm walking into the door. Ouch"...something to that effect. So instead of punishing, getting annoyed, yelling, etc. you spin it around so they listen. You become relatable and grab their attention instead of being mean-mommy who seems to have it out for you.

[Anonymous]

Don’t try to negotiate. If the kid disobeys, they go in timeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a clear consequence for outright ignoring/disobedience. Enforce it every single time.
If you tell him to leave the light switch and he turns it on/off he gets a 4 min timeout.
When you are both calm explain this to him. Give examples of behaviors that will get the time out.

If you tell him to play while you make dinner you can say " You need to be out of the kitchen. You can play in the family room or your bedroom. If you don't pick one of those I will pick for you" No negotiating.

Absolutely disagree with punishing a kid who is in the middle of a stressful life event (school transition) and is literally crying out for more love and attention from parents. Try to understand the situation from his perspective and understand he doesn't have the skill set to process why he's feeling stressed or needy, but knows he's overwhelmed and is reacting. OP, things will settle down once he gets fully adjusted to school. EVERY single 3-4 year old I know that just started a new school is doing the same needy, clingy, whiny routine right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a clear consequence for outright ignoring/disobedience. Enforce it every single time.
If you tell him to leave the light switch and he turns it on/off he gets a 4 min timeout.
When you are both calm explain this to him. Give examples of behaviors that will get the time out.

If you tell him to play while you make dinner you can say " You need to be out of the kitchen. You can play in the family room or your bedroom. If you don't pick one of those I will pick for you" No negotiating.

A list of offenses is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but you literally just described my daughter who turned 4 in July. There is such much screaming and crying in our house right now and she doesn't listen at all about anything. I'm at a breaking point with her.

Thank you. I know this is all NORMAL. But I’d like to have a peaceful house again.

When did this behavior start? How long has it been going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a clear consequence for outright ignoring/disobedience. Enforce it every single time.
If you tell him to leave the light switch and he turns it on/off he gets a 4 min timeout.
When you are both calm explain this to him. Give examples of behaviors that will get the time out.

If you tell him to play while you make dinner you can say " You need to be out of the kitchen. You can play in the family room or your bedroom. If you don't pick one of those I will pick for you" No negotiating.

A list of offenses is a good idea.

Have either of you ever met a 4 year old? The list of offenses is endless because their imagination and creativity for how to ignore or disobeying knows no bounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but you literally just described my daughter who turned 4 in July. There is such much screaming and crying in our house right now and she doesn't listen at all about anything. I'm at a breaking point with her.

Thank you. I know this is all NORMAL. But I’d like to have a peaceful house again.

When did this behavior start? How long has it been going on?

A year. 3 was hard, but we heard it was hard. Everyone told us he'd improve around 4. I know school is causing stress. But I know it us (DH and I). We aren't consistent enough. It's obviously our parenting is all wrong, if he's fine at school.

[Anonymous]

My son is exactly like this. He’s now 9, but we still have a lot of he same issues at home. I have learned that it’s not my parenting, but my kid. My daughter is not like this at all. She’s responsible and she listens. My son was born difficult. Some kids are easy and some are hard. You work with what you get. My son has sensory processing disorder. Probably a lot of his behaviors are related.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried 1,2,3 magic? If you are really consistent it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is exactly like this. He’s now 9, but we still have a lot of he same issues at home. I have learned that it’s not my parenting, but my kid. My daughter is not like this at all. She’s responsible and she listens. My son was born difficult. Some kids are easy and some are hard. You work with what you get. My son has sensory processing disorder. Probably a lot of his behaviors are related.

Thank you. Yes, my second son is only 2.5 but he's very empathetic, easy going. It's difficult to not compare.

Any advice? He does not have SPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a clear consequence for outright ignoring/disobedience. Enforce it every single time.
If you tell him to leave the light switch and he turns it on/off he gets a 4 min timeout.
When you are both calm explain this to him. Give examples of behaviors that will get the time out.

If you tell him to play while you make dinner you can say " You need to be out of the kitchen. You can play in the family room or your bedroom. If you don't pick one of those I will pick for you" No negotiating.

A list of offenses is a good idea.

Have either of you ever met a 4 year old? The list of offenses is endless because their imagination and creativity for how to ignore or disobeying knows no bounds.

Yes I had a 4yo..for a year actually, she is now 7. Every year has its stages and difficulty, right now mine loses her shit when we get home on days she has to go to a sitter after school . I try and have more patience, but outright defiance has a consequence. 4 is old enough to know this. a 4 min time out gives him time to calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is exactly like this. He’s now 9, but we still have a lot of he same issues at home. I have learned that it’s not my parenting, but my kid. My daughter is not like this at all. She’s responsible and she listens. My son was born difficult. Some kids are easy and some are hard. You work with what you get. My son has sensory processing disorder. Probably a lot of his behaviors are related.

Thank you. Yes, my second son is only 2.5 but he's very empathetic, easy going. It's difficult to not compare.

Any advice? He does not have SPD.

We have used lots of different techniques over the years. Time outs, go to room, sticker charts in the toddler years, timers, and now we are using our own money system (fake money). We reward with dollars and also take away dollars. Nothing has stuck over the years but we certainly do try. He’s also a quirky kid with some repeltitice behaviors. He is also a highly anxious child.

We alternate between patience and loving but we also get frustrated and have yelled. He’s smart as a whip, though. No issues in school (knock on wood). A bit siorgnaized with materials, but very hard worker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is exactly like this. He’s now 9, but we still have a lot of he same issues at home. I have learned that it’s not my parenting, but my kid. My daughter is not like this at all. She’s responsible and she listens. My son was born difficult. Some kids are easy and some are hard. You work with what you get. My son has sensory processing disorder. Probably a lot of his behaviors are related.

Thank you. Yes, my second son is only 2.5 but he's very empathetic, easy going. It's difficult to not compare.

Any advice? He does not have SPD.

We have used lots of different techniques over the years. Time outs, go to room, sticker charts in the toddler years, timers, and now we are using our own money system (fake money). We reward with dollars and also take away dollars. Nothing has stuck over the years but we certainly do try. He’s also a quirky kid with some repeltitice behaviors. He is also a highly anxious child.

We alternate between patience and loving but we also get frustrated and have yelled. He’s smart as a whip, though. No issues in school (knock on wood). A bit siorgnaized with materials, but very hard worker.

I meant repetitive behaviors and disorganized

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but you literally just described my daughter who turned 4 in July. There is such much screaming and crying in our house right now and she doesn't listen at all about anything. I'm at a breaking point with her.

Thank you. I know this is all NORMAL. But I’d like to have a peaceful house again.

When did this behavior start? How long has it been going on?

A year. 3 was hard, but we heard it was hard. Everyone told us he'd improve around 4. I know school is causing stress. But I know it us (DH and I). We aren't consistent enough. It's obviously our parenting is all wrong, if he's fine at school.

This is absolutely NOT your parenting. Home is a safe place where he knows he'll be loved even if he's misbehaving and not holding it together like he has to do all day. He's not being bad or testing boundaries. It is emotional exhaustion, like a sensory sensitive child that gets overwhelmed and melts down from over stimulation. Give yourself and him some grace.

It’s important to note that these outbursts are not tantrums where your child is testing boundaries or trying to get their way. The after-school restraint collapse is exactly that—a collapse, or meltdown, because your child is so emotionally overwhelmed that they can no longer keep it together.


https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/how-to-cope-with-after-school-meltdowns
https://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/strategies/your-childs-behavior-at-home-vs-school/
https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/school-age/after-school-restraint-collapse-is-a-real-thing-heres-how-to-deal-with-it/
https://www.mother.ly/child/if-your-child-falls-apart-after-school-theres-a-good-reason-why