I have no idea how to parent my 4 year old

[Anonymous]

Please help. My son is 4 (turned 4 in June).

My son is lovely at school: M-W, 9-12. He's a good friend, model student. Zero issues.

I know home is a safe space, so he acts out. But our home is unpleasant now.

At home:
~Rarely listens. If ever. "Please don't turn off the light". He turns off the light. LOTS of "But I want..." xyx
~Screams. A LOT.
~Can't follow basic instructions: please go play while I cook. He'll fuss, bother his brother, etc.

I'm not sure what consequences to put in place.

It isn't any one thing. It is just that he isn't easy, at all. He's emotional and anxious, rarely plays by himself or is pleasant. Our word is "fuss": he fusses a lot.

I was a teacher. I KNOW the keys, but which one works??? So many schools of thought. I don't always have time for the games, like in "How to Talk so Kids will Listen".

Peaceful Parenting seems too lax for him.

HELP. And be kind.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but you literally just described my daughter who turned 4 in July. There is such much screaming and crying in our house right now and she doesn't listen at all about anything. I'm at a breaking point with her.

[Anonymous]

What happens when he does these things? For instance ..when he plays with the light, what do you do?

Sorry, hard to give advice on what to do when I'm not sure what you're doing that isn't working

[Anonymous]

Any chance he could have sensory issues? My friend's kid was like this. It turned out that a lot of things, from sounds to clothes, were bothering her to the point where she was having trouble controlling her reaction to it - especially after being at school and trying to keep it together during that time. They got help from OT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance he could have sensory issues? My friend's kid was like this. It turned out that a lot of things, from sounds to clothes, were bothering her to the point where she was having trouble controlling her reaction to it - especially after being at school and trying to keep it together during that time. They got help from OT.

No. But thanks for the idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when he does these things? For instance ..when he plays with the light, what do you do?

Sorry, hard to give advice on what to do when I'm not sure what you're doing that isn't working

We’ve tried a variety of things over the last few months.

Don’t listen/scream/whatever:

-go sit on the step
-lose a toy (immediately)
-talking: “why did you do that? Now it’s dark”

Nothing really seems to stick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but you literally just described my daughter who turned 4 in July. There is such much screaming and crying in our house right now and she doesn't listen at all about anything. I'm at a breaking point with her.

Thank you. I know this is all NORMAL. But I’d like to have a peaceful house again.

[Anonymous]

How is his diet? Could it have less sugar or more protein and fiber? How is his sleep? Does he get enough exercise?

If he won’t play by himself, can you give him simple chores to “help” you? Is he motivated by money, toys, etc?

[Anonymous]

I found with my 4 year old I had to stop using so many words. They can hear you, but they still have impulse control issues. Major ones!

So it was much less frustrating for me to say "please don't turn off the light" and then when she'd do it (because OF COURSE) then I'd go next to her, and try to be super calm and say "don't turn off the light" while being right there. If she's doing that, it's normally because she wants attention. So then I may re-direct her to something I can do in that moment with her. Sit on my lap for a few minutes, go read a book, go play with X etc. Sometimes I think she just wanted me to sit down and focus on her. And then once I did that, would much more happily flit away to do her own thing.

Four is hard because they seem SO MUCH more reasonable than age 3 (which is mania). But they are still really little.

I also try to think about how much of the day my kid has had to follow instructions and use her impulse control. It doesn't mean I don't ask her to behave, but it gives me empathy for how hard she has to work every day.

And take him outside and run him ragged and then do quiet time.

Lastly, find something he can be an expert on and let him tell you how to do it. 4 year olds LOVE knowing how to do things way better than you.

Those are all my tricks!

[Anonymous]

Is he getting "quiet time" after he gets back from pre-school? Even if he doesn't nap you can always turn the lights off in his room and let him have time to decompress (naping, reading, listening to an audiobook or music).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is his diet? Could it have less sugar or more protein and fiber? How is his sleep? Does he get enough exercise?

If he won’t play by himself, can you give him simple chores to “help” you? Is he motivated by money, toys, etc?

Great, clean diet. Healthy and super. Sleep is fine. We got that right. Ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he getting "quiet time" after he gets back from pre-school? Even if he doesn't nap you can always turn the lights off in his room and let him have time to decompress (naping, reading, listening to an audiobook or music).

Yes. He still naps. He’s a kid who needs a lot of sleep.

[Anonymous]

He wants attention and he's figured out how to get lots of negative attention. Make him a deal: "go play in your room for 30 minutes and then you and I will have 15 minutes of uninterrupted play time." Then follow through and focus on him and only him for 15 minutes.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's about attention. My almost 4 year old is doing the same. So when she ignores an instruction, does something she's told not to, starts whine-crying over nothing, I correct her, then sit on the floor and offer to hold her in my lap. We snuggle for a few minutes and talk, then we get up and she does whatever she needs to or we do it together (ahem, because it REALLY takes two people to turn on a light switch).

Did he just go back to school or start a new school? We just started a new school and she's happy and adjusting fabulously, but is DEFINITELY more needy and emotional at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's about attention. My almost 4 year old is doing the same. So when she ignores an instruction, does something she's told not to, starts whine-crying over nothing, I correct her, then sit on the floor and offer to hold her in my lap. We snuggle for a few minutes and talk, then we get up and she does whatever she needs to or we do it together (ahem, because it REALLY takes two people to turn on a light switch).

Did he just go back to school or start a new school? We just started a new school and she's happy and adjusting fabulously, but is DEFINITELY more needy and emotional at home.

Thank you. Yes, he did. We aren’t talking to the teacher or bringing him to a developmental ped until we see how he’s doing after this transition.

Nonetheless, it’d be nice to have a peaceful house.