I have no idea how to parent my 4 year old

[Anonymous]

Update: thank you every one.

I spent the afternoon yesterday WITH him at home. No phone. We played games and baked muffins and connected. He was perfectly behaved! A real sweetie.

I can’t do this all the time, but I try.

I suppose he needs connections and relationships, and acts out when he doesn’t get that?

Any advice on balancing this need, while also tending to my house and life?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants attention and he's figured out how to get lots of negative attention. Make him a deal: "go play in your room for 30 minutes and then you and I will have 15 minutes of uninterrupted play time." Then follow through and focus on him and only him for 15 minutes.

Flip that. Fill his bucket first with focused interaction with him, then have him play independently for a stretch.

[Anonymous]

What does he like to do? A lot of it at this age is redirecting to better alternatives. I noticed that often behavior like this was a sign that child needs more responsibility and fun/challenging activities. Make him feel like a grown up by asking him if he wants to help do difficult things. Teach new skills, like cleaning and cooking. Teach chores. Amp up the materials you have available for him to play with around the house. How We Montessori has good ideas by age (she has 3 boys).

[Anonymous]

Our almost 4 year old girl rarely listens to us. She loves being very contrary. At preschool- she is very quiet and doesn't talk much. We are trying to do our best as parents- making sure, she eats healthy foods, gets enough sleep, play outdoor etc. So no real advice either.

[Anonymous]

by the time you figure it out... he will be 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: thank you every one.

I spent the afternoon yesterday WITH him at home. No phone. We played games and baked muffins and connected. He was perfectly behaved! A real sweetie.

I can’t do this all the time, but I try.

I suppose he needs connections and relationships, and acts out when he doesn’t get that?

Any advice on balancing this need, while also tending to my house and life?

Thanks.

This thread really resonated with me. Ugh the yelling! I do not have all the answers but my 4yo is also better with a ton of love and undivided attention which is just not realistic for all the time. Here’s what works for us:

As soon as you get home and he’s fed, spend 15 minutes doing something with just him. We play crazy 8s, make Rice Krispie treats, do science experiments.
Use a silly voice and say “that’s not going to work, goofy! If you want my attention just say ‘excuse me mommy’”
Play dates - mine just needs a lot of one on one time with people he connects with and it’s so much easier with a friend their age.

Thanks for starting this thread, I love hearing what’s working with other families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: thank you every one.

I spent the afternoon yesterday WITH him at home. No phone. We played games and baked muffins and connected. He was perfectly behaved! A real sweetie.

I can’t do this all the time, but I try.

I suppose he needs connections and relationships, and acts out when he doesn’t get that?

Any advice on balancing this need, while also tending to my house and life?

Thanks.

Op I’m so glad it worked and now you know the magic trick - connection! Seriously it works wonders. Kids learn when they feel connected. The key is don’t feel like it always has to be a full afternoon- yes that’s wonderful, but for your question about how to balance it you can do it in small spurts. Maybe focus 15 minutes every morning that you get down on the floor and play with him (even if it’s just observing, letting him lead but being present not on your phone). Even small snippets of time like that can help, see if you can work those small times into your daily routine a little bit. Here is one post I always liked that talks about this -

https://www.google.com/amp/s/cupofjo.com/2016/09/how-to-stop-tantrums/amp/

[Anonymous]

Can you figure out ways to involve him in the stuff that has to get done? One of mine is actually useful when I’m cooking — she loves peeling garlic or stirring things. My oldest can cut vegetables but tends to be very physically busy which drives me nuts while I’m cooking so I prefer to keep her elsewhere. We play silly games while sorting laundry.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, you found the thing that works. It’s called attention. We saw this with our DD and stopped with one child because she was this delightful, happy, engaged person when paid attention to and a beast when not. I think it’s personality because not all kids are like this.

My DH and I are exhausted by her and she is a teen now. But, she is thriving and happy. We needed to invest a lot in her. She needs a dedicated caretaker all waking hours to function well. Some probably think I’m crazy but the result has been fantastic. She would be a less successful person if we hadn’t given her the attention she needed.

That’s the only trick. It’s a brutally difficult way to live, but it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: thank you every one.

I spent the afternoon yesterday WITH him at home. No phone. We played games and baked muffins and connected. He was perfectly behaved! A real sweetie.

I can’t do this all the time, but I try.

I suppose he needs connections and relationships, and acts out when he doesn’t get that?

Any advice on balancing this need, while also tending to my house and life?

Thanks.

This thread really resonated with me. Ugh the yelling! I do not have all the answers but my 4yo is also better with a ton of love and undivided attention which is just not realistic for all the time. Here’s what works for us:

As soon as you get home and he’s fed, spend 15 minutes doing something with just him. We play crazy 8s, make Rice Krispie treats, do science experiments.
Use a silly voice and say “that’s not going to work, goofy! If you want my attention just say ‘excuse me mommy’”
Play dates - mine just needs a lot of one on one time with people he connects with and it’s so much easier with a friend their age.

Thanks for starting this thread, I love hearing what’s working with other families.

Thank you. I’m shocked at how positive this thread has been! Not one “he needs a good spanking”. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, you found the thing that works. It’s called attention. We saw this with our DD and stopped with one child because she was this delightful, happy, engaged person when paid attention to and a beast when not. I think it’s personality because not all kids are like this.

My DH and I are exhausted by her and she is a teen now. But, she is thriving and happy. We needed to invest a lot in her. She needs a dedicated caretaker all waking hours to function well. Some probably think I’m crazy but the result has been fantastic. She would be a less successful person if we hadn’t given her the attention she needed.

That’s the only trick. It’s a brutally difficult way to live, but it works.

Thank you. It’s so easy to think he needs punishment and consequences. I know long term it is best to love on him even more. I want him to love us when he’s a teen! Thanks for the POV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, you found the thing that works. It’s called attention. We saw this with our DD and stopped with one child because she was this delightful, happy, engaged person when paid attention to and a beast when not. I think it’s personality because not all kids are like this.

My DH and I are exhausted by her and she is a teen now. But, she is thriving and happy. We needed to invest a lot in her. She needs a dedicated caretaker all waking hours to function well. Some probably think I’m crazy but the result has been fantastic. She would be a less successful person if we hadn’t given her the attention she needed.

That’s the only trick. It’s a brutally difficult way to live, but it works.

Thank you. It’s so easy to think he needs punishment and consequences. I know long term it is best to love on him even more. I want him to love us when he’s a teen! Thanks for the POV.

Our teenager came into our bed this morning and snuggled with us for about 10 minutes. She feels extremely connected to us and loved and supported. In private, my husband and I have often complained about how much attention she needs, but we take our jobs as parents very seriously. The only thing punishing her would have accomplished was to make her feel bad about herself. There is truly nothing wrong with her, she just needs connection nearly every waking minute.

[Anonymous]

The key is undivided attention including putting down your phone. Consistently too. It is amazing how many parents fail to see this.

No need for long winded parenting books.