Husband/Wife stuck deciding to stay or separate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of your kid now. Think of you later.

Do your research. The grass looks greener on the other side, but statistically speaking, the majority of divorced people have regrets.

I agree with the book mentioned above. You chose to have kids. It’s not all about you now.

Surely you’ll have a “replacement family” and perhaps this won’t be an issue for you because of that, but what if you don’t? Are you prepared to be alone? I challenge you to go away this Christmas. Sit alone in a hotel room. Have Christmas Eve dinner alone. Because when and if your kids get married, they won’t have time to be pulled in multiple directions at holidays.

Counseling and “dating each other again” first. Please, not only for you, but for your kids.

Please provide the source that backs up your claim that divorced people have regrets. I am happily married after divorcing an abusive man. I am not saying that OP should divorce but it is nonsense to say that the majority have regrets. Every single divorced person I know is happier for it.

I’m not happier. I was bored. I have regrets. My children were grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I are on agreement we need a break. Over the last five years we've really grown apart to the point where we have nothing in common. We're not angry with each other, as we are both open and understanding that we've become two very different people with different views on life. However, our family around us are very happy. My parents and my wife's parents get along very well (talk, hang out, etc regularly without us). We have family gatherings at our house and everyone is happy - but us.

We know separating would destroy our parents. We do have one child and that's another reason we've decided to try and stay together. But, whenever everything inside isn't working but everything outside is...it's tough to make a decision. Also, financially it's expensive.

You are in the "For worse" part of "For Better of Worse". Stick with it and try to reconnect or find happiness in the marriage that you have.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I don't know. These threads always seem to end up populated by people whose biggest fear is that their spouse will leave them. Or have an affair.

Why not try marriage counseling instead of asking here?

[Anonymous]

I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. My kids are 10 and 13. They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first.

[Anonymous]

Are you having sex? If not that may help, if it's of interest to one or both of you.

[Anonymous]

We do have one child

You sort of hid that in the second paragraph. You are scum Op, scum to break up your family.

[Anonymous]

I would never ever consider divorce in this circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Does either one of you have some untreated anxiety or depression going on? Worth thinking about.

And definitely counseling.

[Anonymous]

Selfish people shouldn’t have kids and probably shouldn’t get married either.

[Anonymous]

Decent advice here.

How would you advise your child if he/she expressed a desire to quit school because he was bored or didn’t really like his teacher?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We do have one child

You sort of hid that in the second paragraph. You are scum Op, scum to break up your family.

Oh shut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. My kids are 10 and 13. They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first.

My parents got divorced when my sibling and I were 3 and 7 and ended up in a situation that sounds very similar to yours. We handled it as best we could as kids, but we are both still dealing with the grief of our parents' divorce 30 years later. It is still a constant part of who were are. Having to figure out how to fairly share holidays between our parents and non-divorced inlaws, visits with grandkids, visits to see them in different states, eldercare, etc. We will never be done dealing with the repercussions of our parents' divorce.

Even amicable splits where everyone is (mostly) acting like grownups can have long-lasting consequences for children. I'm not anti-divorce in all situations, but it makes me crazy when I heard adults say kids are resilient and will be fine. My parents thought and continue to think we are fine, too. We are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. My kids are 10 and 13. They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first.

My parents got divorced when my sibling and I were 3 and 7 and ended up in a situation that sounds very similar to yours. We handled it as best we could as kids, but we are both still dealing with the grief of our parents' divorce 30 years later. It is still a constant part of who were are. Having to figure out how to fairly share holidays between our parents and non-divorced inlaws, visits with grandkids, visits to see them in different states, eldercare, etc. We will never be done dealing with the repercussions of our parents' divorce.

Even amicable splits where everyone is (mostly) acting like grownups can have long-lasting consequences for children. I'm not anti-divorce in all situations, but it makes me crazy when I heard adults say kids are resilient and will be fine. My parents thought and continue to think we are fine, too. We are not.

Flip side of this is that my parents are still together and they shouldn't be. They have no idea how difficult growing up in a household where screaming could start at any minute was - I am still dealing with the effects of it. I recently had a family member yell at me because they have a lot of stress going on and it brought back very bad memories of being a child and I felt nervous and anxious for a week. They are still antagonistic towards each other, well, when they are in the same place at the same time, my dad travels extensively and we know that he is having an affair abroad. My mom knows about this as well, but won't do anything about it but bitch and moan - imagine listening to your mother talk about this with you, she thinks as her daughter I owe it to her to listen, even if it's about my dad. Family get togethers are awkward, we can't ever plan anything with the entire family because we don't know when my dad will be in town. It's awful. I'm pregnant now and honestly am starting to move away from spending any time with them. It's just too stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. My kids are 10 and 13. They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first.

My parents got divorced when my sibling and I were 3 and 7 and ended up in a situation that sounds very similar to yours. We handled it as best we could as kids, but we are both still dealing with the grief of our parents' divorce 30 years later. It is still a constant part of who were are. Having to figure out how to fairly share holidays between our parents and non-divorced inlaws, visits with grandkids, visits to see them in different states, eldercare, etc. We will never be done dealing with the repercussions of our parents' divorce.

Even amicable splits where everyone is (mostly) acting like grownups can have long-lasting consequences for children. I'm not anti-divorce in all situations, but it makes me crazy when I heard adults say kids are resilient and will be fine. My parents thought and continue to think we are fine, too. We are not.

Flip side of this is that my parents are still together and they shouldn't be. They have no idea how difficult growing up in a household where screaming could start at any minute was - I am still dealing with the effects of it. I recently had a family member yell at me because they have a lot of stress going on and it brought back very bad memories of being a child and I felt nervous and anxious for a week. They are still antagonistic towards each other, well, when they are in the same place at the same time, my dad travels extensively and we know that he is having an affair abroad. My mom knows about this as well, but won't do anything about it but bitch and moan - imagine listening to your mother talk about this with you, she thinks as her daughter I owe it to her to listen, even if it's about my dad. Family get togethers are awkward, we can't ever plan anything with the entire family because we don't know when my dad will be in town. It's awful. I'm pregnant now and honestly am starting to move away from spending any time with them. It's just too stressful.

PP here. That sucks, too. I'm sorry you had to and still have to deal with that. My parents were more like OP - just "grew apart." They never fought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. My kids are 10 and 13. They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first.

My parents got divorced when my sibling and I were 3 and 7 and ended up in a situation that sounds very similar to yours. We handled it as best we could as kids, but we are both still dealing with the grief of our parents' divorce 30 years later. It is still a constant part of who were are. Having to figure out how to fairly share holidays between our parents and non-divorced inlaws, visits with grandkids, visits to see them in different states, eldercare, etc. We will never be done dealing with the repercussions of our parents' divorce.

Even amicable splits where everyone is (mostly) acting like grownups can have long-lasting consequences for children. I'm not anti-divorce in all situations, but it makes me crazy when I heard adults say kids are resilient and will be fine. My parents thought and continue to think we are fine, too. We are not.

Flip side of this is that my parents are still together and they shouldn't be. They have no idea how difficult growing up in a household where screaming could start at any minute was - I am still dealing with the effects of it. I recently had a family member yell at me because they have a lot of stress going on and it brought back very bad memories of being a child and I felt nervous and anxious for a week. They are still antagonistic towards each other, well, when they are in the same place at the same time, my dad travels extensively and we know that he is having an affair abroad. My mom knows about this as well, but won't do anything about it but bitch and moan - imagine listening to your mother talk about this with you, she thinks as her daughter I owe it to her to listen, even if it's about my dad. Family get togethers are awkward, we can't ever plan anything with the entire family because we don't know when my dad will be in town. It's awful. I'm pregnant now and honestly am starting to move away from spending any time with them. It's just too stressful.

For another perspective on that, in high school and college, I would have told you my parents should be divorced. I was sick of them fighting, sick of my mom complaining to me about my dad (still sick of the complaining actually), but now that I am older, I am so relieved that they are still together. I don’t understand their relationship, wouldn’t want to be in it myself, but in some weird way it seems to work for them most of the time.