Husband/Wife stuck deciding to stay or separate

[Anonymous]

Man I hope you don’t replicate the same dysfunctional relationship with your spouse.

What happens when dad needs real help- adult kids have to manage it or does mom have the energy to still do everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. My kids are 10 and 13. They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first.

My parents got divorced when my sibling and I were 3 and 7 and ended up in a situation that sounds very similar to yours. We handled it as best we could as kids, but we are both still dealing with the grief of our parents' divorce 30 years later. It is still a constant part of who were are. Having to figure out how to fairly share holidays between our parents and non-divorced inlaws, visits with grandkids, visits to see them in different states, eldercare, etc. We will never be done dealing with the repercussions of our parents' divorce.

Even amicable splits where everyone is (mostly) acting like grownups can have long-lasting consequences for children. I'm not anti-divorce in all situations, but it makes me crazy when I heard adults say kids are resilient and will be fine. My parents thought and continue to think we are fine, too. We are not.

I don't mean to sound callous but if you are "not fine" 30 years after your parents divorce than either they did something wrong or you are currently doing something wrong.

It's long past time to have moved part the effects of an amicable divorce.

I am the child in an extremely acrimonious divorce who does encounter the annoyances you describe but I can't imagine thinking im not fine as a 35 year old happily married mom myself. It is what it is and it has been for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. My kids are 10 and 13. They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first.

My parents got divorced when my sibling and I were 3 and 7 and ended up in a situation that sounds very similar to yours. We handled it as best we could as kids, but we are both still dealing with the grief of our parents' divorce 30 years later. It is still a constant part of who were are. Having to figure out how to fairly share holidays between our parents and non-divorced inlaws, visits with grandkids, visits to see them in different states, eldercare, etc. We will never be done dealing with the repercussions of our parents' divorce.

Even amicable splits where everyone is (mostly) acting like grownups can have long-lasting consequences for children. I'm not anti-divorce in all situations, but it makes me crazy when I heard adults say kids are resilient and will be fine. My parents thought and continue to think we are fine, too. We are not.

I don't mean to sound callous but if you are "not fine" 30 years after your parents divorce than either they did something wrong or you are currently doing something wrong.

It's long past time to have moved part the effects of an amicable divorce.

I am the child in an extremely acrimonious divorce who does encounter the annoyances you describe but I can't imagine thinking im not fine as a 35 year old happily married mom myself. It is what it is and it has been for decades.

I mean, we "are fine" in the sense that we are functioning adults with good careers and our own happy families. We don't sit around crying about our parents' divorce every day. My point is there are long-lasting negative ripple effects of divorce for children long after they are grown, even if that marriage did not necessarily involve a nasty divorce. I'm very glad you are not personally experiencing them, but I encourage you to have some compassion for those who are. Especially when that perspective is being shared for the benefit of someone asking for opinions in weighing making this potential momentous decision for their own family.

[Anonymous]

We are in a similar situation with kids. We simply grew apart and are not sad, just more like platonic coparents. We are not getting divorced. DH’s parents went though a nasty one and it really affected him. Even if it’s amicable he hates visiting multiple houses and alternating holidays. He always says it is like trying to balance your ILs and your family at Christmas with pressure and guilt your entire life. We aren’t doing that to our kids. Our lives aren’t bad so we are keeping a stable home. Maybe we will reconnect as a couple in retirement.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I went through this about 10 years ago. There was nothing 'bad' about our relationship, just nothing 'good'. It was just blah. But the more it was blah, the more tension started to grow because we felt like it should be more than blah.

After much, MUCH, discussion we decided to eliminate the expectation of 'marriage' and just be friends. We were friends before we started dating, we still thought of each other as friends, looking to each other for advice and comfort. It was the husband/wife stuff (you don't show me enough affection, why aren't we having more sex stuff)causing our stress. It took a little while to get used to, but after a month or two we feel into a comfortable pattern that worked for our family (2 little kids at the time). After about a year we found ourselves turning back to each other romantically. It's more than 10 years later now and we've been mostly happy since then. Looking back I'm incredibly happy we did not end up divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. My kids are 10 and 13. They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first.

My parents got divorced when my sibling and I were 3 and 7 and ended up in a situation that sounds very similar to yours. We handled it as best we could as kids, but we are both still dealing with the grief of our parents' divorce 30 years later. It is still a constant part of who were are. Having to figure out how to fairly share holidays between our parents and non-divorced inlaws, visits with grandkids, visits to see them in different states, eldercare, etc. We will never be done dealing with the repercussions of our parents' divorce.

Even amicable splits where everyone is (mostly) acting like grownups can have long-lasting consequences for children. I'm not anti-divorce in all situations, but it makes me crazy when I heard adults say kids are resilient and will be fine. My parents thought and continue to think we are fine, too. We are not.

I don't mean to sound callous but if you are "not fine" 30 years after your parents divorce than either they did something wrong or you are currently doing something wrong.

It's long past time to have moved part the effects of an amicable divorce.

I am the child in an extremely acrimonious divorce who does encounter the annoyances you describe but I can't imagine thinking im not fine as a 35 year old happily married mom myself. It is what it is and it has been for decades.

I mean, we "are fine" in the sense that we are functioning adults with good careers and our own happy families. We don't sit around crying about our parents' divorce every day. My point is there are long-lasting negative ripple effects of divorce for children long after they are grown, even if that marriage did not necessarily involve a nasty divorce. I'm very glad you are not personally experiencing them, but I encourage you to have some compassion for those who are. Especially when that perspective is being shared for the benefit of someone asking for opinions in weighing making this potential momentous decision for their own family.

Yes this. I was young too and it is still complicated. I got used a pawn for many years in their disputes. They both remarried, I bonded deeply with step parents and step/half siblings, and then more divorce. Rinse and repeat with more dysfunctional relationships.

[Anonymous]

In my group of high school friends, only the ones who had divorced parents are divorced today, thirty years later. They never really trusted that their relationships will last since their parents’ did not.

[Anonymous]

Grass probably won’t be greener op. Looks like it from afar, but it’s just the same old grass.