I feel like I’m losing all my friends in my 40s

[Anonymous]

Find the things that YOU want to do with friends. ASK them to do it with you, and tell them you enjoy spending time with them. Make it a regular think (like a regular walk or coffee on Saturday morning). Get deeper than just How Are You? and talk about real stuff.

[Anonymous]

YOU have to make the effort to maintain friendships. They don't cultivate themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had advice. I’m in the same boat, and I’ve also made the same observations. Many of the people I was close with seem to be struggling with something - either legitimately bad luck, or the chickens coming home to roost in some form.

+1 There’s a podcast about women in their 40s called Forties Stories and this has come up.

+2. It’s sad. I remember my mom going through the same thing, and I was very surprised by that. I guess that’s life.

[Anonymous]

I actually found that I grew closer with some friends once my kids became teenagers and less of our time revolved around monitoring/organizing what our kids were doing. These friends were usually the moms of my kids' friends, or neighbors, or friends of friends. I had to put in some time to cultivate these friendships in an environment outside of our kids' lives, but it was worth it.

I would suggest starting some semi-regular thing to do together. A friend and I started a monthly book club. She invited another friend (so, bonus, I made a new friend!) and it became a monthly thing. They're really more about getting together and having a glass of wine and talking than they are about deeply discussing the book, but it is something that keeps our get-togethers consistent. Otherwise, with our busy lives, I don't know when we would ever see each other.

I have a couple other friends that I try to get coffee with every so often. Another friend of mine (a neighbor) and I try to get together to walk our dogs together and chat when we get the chance.

This doesn't mean that I don't think that my 40s and 50s have definitely been lonelier and less social than my younger years. It has meant adjusting my norms to having social gatherings to once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week. It meant that I now have a smaller circe of people who I actively see and spend time with consistently. It meant a lot of my friends have no become "Facebook" or "text every once-in-a-while" friends. HOWEVER, that doesn't meant that all hope is lost. It just means that you need to be more proactive about cultivating friendships outside of your kids and be willing to put in some planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually found that I grew closer with some friends once my kids became teenagers and less of our time revolved around monitoring/organizing what our kids were doing. These friends were usually the moms of my kids' friends, or neighbors, or friends of friends. I had to put in some time to cultivate these friendships in an environment outside of our kids' lives, but it was worth it.

I would suggest starting some semi-regular thing to do together. A friend and I started a monthly book club. She invited another friend (so, bonus, I made a new friend!) and it became a monthly thing. They're really more about getting together and having a glass of wine and talking than they are about deeply discussing the book, but it is something that keeps our get-togethers consistent. Otherwise, with our busy lives, I don't know when we would ever see each other.

I have a couple other friends that I try to get coffee with every so often. Another friend of mine (a neighbor) and I try to get together to walk our dogs together and chat when we get the chance.

This doesn't mean that I don't think that my 40s and 50s have definitely been lonelier and less social than my younger years. It has meant adjusting my norms to having social gatherings to once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week. It meant that I now have a smaller circe of people who I actively see and spend time with consistently. It meant a lot of my friends have no become "Facebook" or "text every once-in-a-while" friends. HOWEVER, that doesn't meant that all hope is lost. It just means that you need to be more proactive about cultivating friendships outside of your kids and be willing to put in some planning.

Op here. Thank you for this. I went from seeing these friends multiple times per week to a few times per year. It doesn’t help that we moved 20 minutes away as did others. I have one friend who I literally used to see 5x per week at the bus stop, at school, walking over to just chill. We have gotten together twice since we moved. It doesn’t help that her husband travels for work. I have a friend dealing with infertility that I can’t seem to be there for no matter how hard I try not to talk about my three children. Two close family friends are going through divorce and separation. List goes on.

One also big difference seems to be financial with a few friends. DH and I grew up poor and now have a high HHI. I try not to flaunt or ever talk about money but I almost feel like some old friends seem resentful when they are trying to save for a home or can’t go on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s because your play date “mom friends” were superficial friends.

Find some people that you have more in common with that kids the same age and learn to have deep, meaningful conversations beyond your kids, schools, strollers, etc.

I can say the same about any other part of life - high school friends, college friends, work friends, going out friends. When that stage ends, we drift apart.

This is incredibly sad. You realize this isn’t how true friendship works?

Of course, some people are only friends for a season or in a particular context. Not all of them, though. Real friendships, close friendships, last.

[Anonymous]

When you have young kids many of those friendships are ones of convenience and situation. You really have to work on friendships once you hit your 40’s and beyond. I have my book club friends, my walking friends, my sports friends, my couples friends, and just friend friends. But I do my best to stay connected with all of them even if only half a dozen are my really good friends. As with spouses you have to invest in relationships and not take them for granted.

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with this too. Moved about a year ago to a new community and thought I had developed friendships. They were totally outside of my kids' schools, which are oddly closed off here. Invited people over, invited people out, etc. But then post after post on FB of people getting together without me made me realize they weren't my friends. They were just accepting invitations. So regrouping now and trying to figure out how to start over in this new community. It's just bizarre to me that I'm a 40s woman with no friendships. Never thought that would happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s because your play date “mom friends” were superficial friends.

Find some people that you have more in common with that kids the same age and learn to have deep, meaningful conversations beyond your kids, schools, strollers, etc.

.

This.

I’m 52 with a 16 yr old. I picked up — and kept — just two dear, true friends from the “play date at the park/pool” years. The rest of those pleasant women are ...I’m not sure where they are, actually. I wish them well but I never really knew them.

Meanwhile — and to op’s curious point — my two actual friends from those years would be my friends even if their marriages were troubled or if “chickens came home to roost” (?!). Because actual friends work through such trials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s because your play date “mom friends” were superficial friends.

Find some people that you have more in common with that kids the same age and learn to have deep, meaningful conversations beyond your kids, schools, strollers, etc.

.

This.

I’m 52 with a 16 yr old. I picked up — and kept — just two dear, true friends from the “play date at the park/pool” years. The rest of those pleasant women are ...I’m not sure where they are, actually. I wish them well but I never really knew them.

Meanwhile — and to op’s curious point — my two actual friends from those years would be my friends even if their marriages were troubled or if “chickens came home to roost” (?!). Because actual friends work through such trials.

Op here. So I’m 40 and we do still meet up occasionally but it is becoming less and less. I’m a social person and have always had friends. I feel I am bad at keeping in touch. My closest friend from college lives on the west coast. I flew out to celebrate bachelorette, bridal shower and be in her wedding but don’t talk on a normal basis. Closest friends from grad school are both childless. One is divorced and lives overseas and other is single in nyc. She was in my wedding and came to my baby shower and first birthday party but she is the one who seems uninterested in hanging out.

I had close professional colleagues but I’m currently a SAHM. Those work friends who I used to go out with all the time before kids are in different places or our spouses/kids never got along and we are busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had advice. I’m in the same boat, and I’ve also made the same observations. Many of the people I was close with seem to be struggling with something - either legitimately bad luck, or the chickens coming home to roost in some form.

+1 There’s a podcast about women in their 40s called Forties Stories and this has come up.

Op here. I just listened to this podcast and I love it. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually found that I grew closer with some friends once my kids became teenagers and less of our time revolved around monitoring/organizing what our kids were doing. These friends were usually the moms of my kids' friends, or neighbors, or friends of friends. I had to put in some time to cultivate these friendships in an environment outside of our kids' lives, but it was worth it.

I would suggest starting some semi-regular thing to do together. A friend and I started a monthly book club. She invited another friend (so, bonus, I made a new friend!) and it became a monthly thing. They're really more about getting together and having a glass of wine and talking than they are about deeply discussing the book, but it is something that keeps our get-togethers consistent. Otherwise, with our busy lives, I don't know when we would ever see each other.

I have a couple other friends that I try to get coffee with every so often. Another friend of mine (a neighbor) and I try to get together to walk our dogs together and chat when we get the chance.

This doesn't mean that I don't think that my 40s and 50s have definitely been lonelier and less social than my younger years. It has meant adjusting my norms to having social gatherings to once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week. It meant that I now have a smaller circe of people who I actively see and spend time with consistently. It meant a lot of my friends have no become "Facebook" or "text every once-in-a-while" friends. HOWEVER, that doesn't meant that all hope is lost. It just means that you need to be more proactive about cultivating friendships outside of your kids and be willing to put in some planning.

Op here. Thank you for this. I went from seeing these friends multiple times per week to a few times per year. It doesn’t help that we moved 20 minutes away as did others. I have one friend who I literally used to see 5x per week at the bus stop, at school, walking over to just chill. We have gotten together twice since we moved. It doesn’t help that her husband travels for work. I have a friend dealing with infertility that I can’t seem to be there for no matter how hard I try not to talk about my three children. Two close family friends are going through divorce and separation. List goes on.

One also big difference seems to be financial with a few friends. DH and I grew up poor and now have a high HHI. I try not to flaunt or ever talk about money but I almost feel like some old friends seem resentful when they are trying to save for a home or can’t go on vacation.

OP, I think your definition of "friend" is inaccurate. People you engaged with due to kids activities (such as your woman "friend" at the bus stop you saw 5x weekly) were NOT ever your friends. I would call them acquaintances or friends of convenience. You would not be engaged with them if you did not have kids. Kids were the "glue" not you. I can say the same for people we work with whom we see 5x a week and go out to lunch with 5x a week. When we change jobs, location, or retire, we often no longer see these "friends" from work. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s because your play date “mom friends” were superficial friends.

Find some people that you have more in common with that kids the same age and learn to have deep, meaningful conversations beyond your kids, schools, strollers, etc.

I can say the same about any other part of life - high school friends, college friends, work friends, going out friends. When that stage ends, we drift apart.

Sometimes this is true. But, I have a few friends that I have been friends with from party days to “real” adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually found that I grew closer with some friends once my kids became teenagers and less of our time revolved around monitoring/organizing what our kids were doing. These friends were usually the moms of my kids' friends, or neighbors, or friends of friends. I had to put in some time to cultivate these friendships in an environment outside of our kids' lives, but it was worth it.

I would suggest starting some semi-regular thing to do together. A friend and I started a monthly book club. She invited another friend (so, bonus, I made a new friend!) and it became a monthly thing. They're really more about getting together and having a glass of wine and talking than they are about deeply discussing the book, but it is something that keeps our get-togethers consistent. Otherwise, with our busy lives, I don't know when we would ever see each other.

I have a couple other friends that I try to get coffee with every so often. Another friend of mine (a neighbor) and I try to get together to walk our dogs together and chat when we get the chance.

This doesn't mean that I don't think that my 40s and 50s have definitely been lonelier and less social than my younger years. It has meant adjusting my norms to having social gatherings to once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week. It meant that I now have a smaller circe of people who I actively see and spend time with consistently. It meant a lot of my friends have no become "Facebook" or "text every once-in-a-while" friends. HOWEVER, that doesn't meant that all hope is lost. It just means that you need to be more proactive about cultivating friendships outside of your kids and be willing to put in some planning.

Op here. Thank you for this. I went from seeing these friends multiple times per week to a few times per year. It doesn’t help that we moved 20 minutes away as did others. I have one friend who I literally used to see 5x per week at the bus stop, at school, walking over to just chill. We have gotten together twice since we moved. It doesn’t help that her husband travels for work. I have a friend dealing with infertility that I can’t seem to be there for no matter how hard I try not to talk about my three children. Two close family friends are going through divorce and separation. List goes on.

One also big difference seems to be financial with a few friends. DH and I grew up poor and now have a high HHI. I try not to flaunt or ever talk about money but I almost feel like some old friends seem resentful when they are trying to save for a home or can’t go on vacation.

OP, I think your definition of "friend" is inaccurate. People you engaged with due to kids activities (such as your woman "friend" at the bus stop you saw 5x weekly) were NOT ever your friends. I would call them acquaintances or friends of convenience. You would not be engaged with them if you did not have kids. Kids were the "glue" not you. I can say the same for people we work with whom we see 5x a week and go out to lunch with 5x a week. When we change jobs, location, or retire, we often no longer see these "friends" from work. Do you get it?

I know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. Neighbor friend my kids ages were different and kids weren’t friends. We would get coffee, go out for dinner and drinks, get mani pedi together, work out, go shopping. We were friends.

[Anonymous]

You get new friends who match your season in life.