I feel like I’m losing all my friends in my 40s

[Anonymous]

I am in my forties and have three children. My kids are getting older so they have their own friends. It isn’t like when a bunch of moms hosted play dates. I don’t go out to happy hour and hang with those types of friends. Some friends are getting divorced. Many marriages in trouble. Some are struggling with health or finances. I want to be a good friend but can’t help but feel we are all just drifting apart.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had advice. I’m in the same boat, and I’ve also made the same observations. Many of the people I was close with seem to be struggling with something - either legitimately bad luck, or the chickens coming home to roost in some form.

[Anonymous]

That’s because your play date “mom friends” were superficial friends.

Find some people that you have more in common with that kids the same age and learn to have deep, meaningful conversations beyond your kids, schools, strollers, etc.

[Anonymous]

And if you have friends struggling with health, why aren’t you there to support them? They obviously can plan brunches or girls’ night out. Sounds like you want all of the fun parts of being friends, but don’t understand it’s a give and take.

[Anonymous]

^*can’t* plan

[Anonymous]

How are you loosing your friends? Is it because they’re not fun to be around anymore?

This is life, I suggest your learn how to support and keep your friends because your turn will come.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a hobby? I have a friend that I walk with regularly and we are now much better friends because of our shared time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had advice. I’m in the same boat, and I’ve also made the same observations. Many of the people I was close with seem to be struggling with something - either legitimately bad luck, or the chickens coming home to roost in some form.

+1 There’s a podcast about women in their 40s called Forties Stories and this has come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s because your play date “mom friends” were superficial friends.

Find some people that you have more in common with that kids the same age and learn to have deep, meaningful conversations beyond your kids, schools, strollers, etc.

We moved to DC with a baby so our friendships were mostly made around the kids. We also recently moved within the DC area so not as close in proximity.

[Anonymous]

Have you spent the last decade revolving your entire life around your kids at the expense of your friendships? Is your entire identity wrapped up in being a mom? See the earlier thread about this. This is usually the outcome.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had advice. I’m in the same boat, and I’ve also made the same observations. Many of the people I was close with seem to be struggling with something - either legitimately bad luck, or the chickens coming home to roost in some form.

What do you mean coming home to roost?

Op, I’m noticing this too. I still have a large circle but it’s different than when the kids were littler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s because your play date “mom friends” were superficial friends.

Find some people that you have more in common with that kids the same age and learn to have deep, meaningful conversations beyond your kids, schools, strollers, etc.

I can say the same about any other part of life - high school friends, college friends, work friends, going out friends. When that stage ends, we drift apart.

[Anonymous]

In my case, 40s has meant losing people literally. losing my mom to stomach cancer, which was horrific, losing my cousin to a sudden freakish heart attack while he was on vacation with his j(only 43). Losing my former boss and one of my best friends, again to cancer, at 50. I also had a cancer scare (stage 0 breast cancer and had surgery)... It all makes me feel very anxious. Also it’s meant that I’m one of the old people at work, but my career has been very choppy lately and my husband has been looking for work. If it were about just making mom friends, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Take care of your parents and family.

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you going out for dinner or happy hour? I went o dinner with two friends last Friday, drinks with a friend last Tuesday and book club on wed. That’s not typical but I’d see friends socially on my own at least two or three times a month. Some of those friends have older kids, one has a baby and many are childfree by choice. Make effort and don’t forget to be a person outside of your kids. I explain that to my 6 year old, as much as I love to spend time with her I also have my own friends and interests and women shouldn’t be expected to give all that up.