For those who have lost a parent or loved one

[Anonymous]

9:50 here again.

I also wanted to say that all of the loss I've experienced in my life, and all of the hardships, and all of the joy, add up to my unique life experience - which I wouldn't trade for anything. So your journey through life is yours - and your dad is a huge part of that and always will be.

I feel like as I age I'm getting better at appreciating and cherishing the richness of life - which has to include lots of pain and loss. There is beauty and value in those experiences also.

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. I've lost both my parents - my dad 15 years ago and my mom almost 10. My mom was the center of my life at the time - I'm married and have had kids since and I feel like my life is divided in two - my life with my parents and my life with my kids. There are people that overlap - childhood friends, my brother, my husband - but I'm not the same person I was then.

Reading this really hit me because I remember the feeling. It's disassociative - like you literally cannot envision life without them in it, because you've never lived that. You're not alone in these feelings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my dad died in 2001 and I still can't believe it. It still seems like I last saw him only a few months ago. I'm so bummed my teenage kids never got to meet him.

My mom died in April and I still have not processed it...I have to remind myself that she's dead.

For me, OP, it's hard because there is now a collection of relatives that I was close to who are dead. I miss the time where 'the regulars' were my mom, dad, Uncle E and Auntie C. They were always up to fun stuff and planning trips or holidays and cooking...it was like being on the set of I Love Lucy.

Now my brother and I are the elders, and we've got spouses and kids. It's like we're in a play but they subbed out the characters and gave us different roles.

PP here and this is so true. Like where are the real grownups? (I'm 41).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I'm a biologist. Matter is not destroyed, it just gets re-assembled. The molecules of our ancestors are part of the cycle of life, plant and animal, at every level. Those whose consciousness have left them never truly leave us, on an atomic level. They form new consciousness.

For me that is a nice thought. It's true, too, unlike the unproven religious theories.

Lol, they form new consciousness and it’s proven. Ok. Lol.

Matter becomes part of other living beings. Who each have their own consciousness, non-human as it may be. You know that animals and plants communicate within their species? They are on some level conscious.

All this is obvious and you knew it already. Were you expecting some New Age thing?

[Anonymous]

My parents both died within the past 8 years and it is still a very strange and sad feeling to know I will never see or speak with them again. The sadness diminishes over time replaced by wonderful memories. What's been very helpful for me are numerous pictures of them from many happy times.

[Anonymous]

OP, I lost my Dad in February, and it still feels surreal. I still refer to "their" house, and not "my mom's" house. I haven't visited the gravesite since burial, and I have no desire to. My younger brother goes because he lives close to the cemetery and has "chats" with my dad over a couple of a beers. I wasn't outwardly super close with my dad, and he'd been sick for a number of years, but it still hit me really hard. We had sort of an unspoken thing and were similar in many ways. It hurts, and hits at totally random times.

You don't get past it, you move on with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I lost my Dad in February, and it still feels surreal. I still refer to "their" house, and not "my mom's" house.

+1. I'm the PP whose Dad died in 2001. I inherited his little house in another city about two hours away, which I rent out. I still call it "Dad's house." I think my brother and I do that, too, e.g. "This weekend I drove by Dad's and the tree has gotten so big..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I lost my Dad in February, and it still feels surreal. I still refer to "their" house, and not "my mom's" house.

+1. I'm the PP whose Dad died in 2001. I inherited his little house in another city about two hours away, which I rent out. I still call it "Dad's house." I think my brother and I do that, too, e.g. "This weekend I drove by Dad's and the tree has gotten so big..."

Same here. I still talk about "my parents" in the present tense. Like "my parents live in New York" when it's really jsut my mom.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting thread. I'm 45 years old. My mother died when I was 6. I have no memories. A very close friend/neighbor was killed in a car accident in my teens. My dad, brother, and sister died in my early 30s. Another friend was killed in an ATV accident in my 30s. I also had a sister die before I was born. My dad had a large family, so I had many aunts and uncles pass. All grandparents were dead before I was born. Death is really just fact of life for me and has been for a while. It's almost made me really insensitive to it. Not long ago a co-worker's grandmother died and had to go out of town and it was this big deal. I'm like...move on. I'm not saying it's right to feel that way but I don't feel much about my elders passing anymore. It's their time. However, if someone dies before their time, it crushes me.

[Anonymous]

I lost my mom when I was in my early 20s. She died of cancer at the age of 53. In a way, her death was a (guilt-inducing) relief because my siblings and I couldn't bear to see her in pain any more. It's been 17 years and I still miss her - think about her nearly every day - but I've been able to accept the fact that she's no longer with us. Part of it is the passing of time, and part of it is that life goes on whether I want it to or not. I had (have) to continue living my life even though she's no longer here. It's not always easy. I still get very sad around Christmas, the day of her death, her birthday, and Mother's Day. But I believe she is somehow with me in spirit. I occasionally talk out loud to her as if she's in the room. I'll see or hear things that remind me of her and sometimes it feels like it's her way of telling me that she's here. I take comfort in those little moments and feel grateful that I was able to have her as long as I did.

Like a PP, my life feels divided - life before she died, and life after. I didn't finish school or meet my DH until after she died, so everything about my life today didn't even exist when she was alive. It's been so long since she died - and my life has changed so much - that I can't really picture what life would be like today if she were alive. What would our relationship be like? What would she think of my DH? My kids? I honestly never thought I would feel this way. I vividly remember thinking at the time that I can't even picture life without her. Now here I am, wondering what life would be like WITH her.

I don't fear death. I am acutely aware of it, especially as I approach the age my mom was when she died. I have less than 10 years to go until I hit that age, and all of the screenings and early-detection tests have begun. I do get anxious death only if I stop to think about not being there for my own kids. I just hope that when it's my time, I will have lived long enough to see them become happy, resilient, and independent adults.

OP - you will find your way again - somehow, someway. Take one day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just becomes a new normal. Is this the first person in your life who's ever died? Maybe that's why you're having a hard time.

I grew up going to funerals of relatives. So when I was almost 13 and our family dog died, while I was heart broken, I understood. When I was 15 and my great-grandmother died, I was heart-broken and had to walk out of a diner to go cry outside, but I understood.

Not OP.

Have you had a parent you were very close to you die? I went to many funerals prior- grandparents, young classmate, best friend’s dad (young), cousin 29, and I’ve had childhood pets die. None of this prepared me for the loss of my dad. We were incredibly close and he was the center of my life.

OP- I feel very much the same. I can’t wrap my brain around this—or the fact I will have so much of a life that he will not be present. It’s uniqueky different to other losses I’ve experienced. I am still really struggling almost 2 years later.

My parents are NOT the center of my life. That ... does not sound heathy. And yes, I have had a parent die. Luckily, we knew it was coming and could create quality time together before that day came. I was sad and cried, sure, but I was also able to move on and keep going with life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my dad died in 2001 and I still can't believe it. It still seems like I last saw him only a few months ago. I'm so bummed my teenage kids never got to meet him.

My mom died in April and I still have not processed it...I have to remind myself that she's dead.

For me, OP, it's hard because there is now a collection of relatives that I was close to who are dead. I miss the time where 'the regulars' were my mom, dad, Uncle E and Auntie C. They were always up to fun stuff and planning trips or holidays and cooking...it was like being on the set of I Love Lucy.

Now my brother and I are the elders, and we've got spouses and kids. It's like we're in a play but they subbed out the characters and gave us different roles.

PP here and this is so true. Like where are the real grownups? (I'm 41).

All of this. So many family members gone that made my life so wonderful.

[Anonymous]

I've had many people I was close to die. For me, the pain has differed depending on how they went. The suicides (close friend and aunt) and the drug overdose (close cousin) were the worst. Followed by the medical error (Grandmother) and unexpected death during routine surgery (stepfather). My other grandmother and her husband both passed from disease at advanced ages. Even though I was very close to them, it was easier to accept.

I often think of what our Thanksgiving table looked like 25 years go (I'm 40) and how different it looks today. It makes me sad. I don't know what I believe about an afterlife. The prospect of never seeing those people again is too awful to bear. But I try to make a point of telling my young kids all about my childhood and the people who made it what it was. That's how it lives on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I lost my Dad in February, and it still feels surreal. I still refer to "their" house, and not "my mom's" house.

+1. I'm the PP whose Dad died in 2001. I inherited his little house in another city about two hours away, which I rent out. I still call it "Dad's house." I think my brother and I do that, too, e.g. "This weekend I drove by Dad's and the tree has gotten so big..."

Same here. I still talk about "my parents" in the present tense. Like "my parents live in New York" when it's really jsut my mom.

Me too.

It’s too weird to say my “mom’s house” because it was their home since 1974. If I say “my mom’s house” it does not feel right or that my parents are merely divorced (they were married 52 years before he died). My dad loved that house and it’s like a family member too. He has a flower garden and vegetable garden and the patio he loved.

My sister said it’s weird because it’s like he was erased. We had a family wedding and it was the first time the photo of all of us didn’t have him front and center. He was larger than life and true patriarch. He would have been so proud that his oldest grandson married. The first one. The photos are beautiful, but his absence in them is heartbreaking. My kids are still very young so missed a lot. It sucks. I miss him so much. I still expect to see him/talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had many people I was close to die. For me, the pain has differed depending on how they went. The suicides (close friend and aunt) and the drug overdose (close cousin) were the worst. Followed by the medical error (Grandmother) and unexpected death during routine surgery (stepfather). My other grandmother and her husband both passed from disease at advanced ages. Even though I was very close to them, it was easier to accept.

I often think of what our Thanksgiving table looked like 25 years go (I'm 40) and how different it looks today. It makes me sad. I don't know what I believe about an afterlife. The prospect of never seeing those people again is too awful to bear. But I try to make a point of telling my young kids all about my childhood and the people who made it what it was. That's how it lives on.

Yes. This exactly.