For those who have lost a parent or loved one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting thread. I'm 45 years old. My mother died when I was 6. I have no memories. A very close friend/neighbor was killed in a car accident in my teens. My dad, brother, and sister died in my early 30s. Another friend was killed in an ATV accident in my 30s. I also had a sister die before I was born. My dad had a large family, so I had many aunts and uncles pass. All grandparents were dead before I was born. Death is really just fact of life for me and has been for a while. It's almost made me really insensitive to it. Not long ago a co-worker's grandmother died and had to go out of town and it was this big deal. I'm like...move on. I'm not saying it's right to feel that way but I don't feel much about my elders passing anymore. It's their time. However, if someone dies before their time, it crushes me.

This is rather sad.

[Anonymous]

I read a lot of books and watch movies in which people die. I guess it's an attempt to normalize my own experience with death. My mom got sick with cancer when I was 5 and died when I was 10. Her brother became a surrogate parent to me, along with my dad, who was sick for most of my teenage years. Both of them were sick while I was in my 20's, and they both died within the past two years.

I'm 34 now, and I still don't feel ready to be "on my own" in the world. I feel envious of friends who have siblings and parents, since I just have friends as "family." I'd love to be able to share things with my parents, or ask their advice about things. At the same time, I know that my losses are behind me (although I do worry about someone else dying next). People have certainly suffered much greater losses than mine, but in my moments of self-pity, it feels like everyone I love dies.

Yesterday, a woman I know shared that she'd lost her father, but that he was older. Another woman responded, "Age doesn't matter when it's your father." I found that a beautiful sentiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read a lot of books and watch movies in which people die. I guess it's an attempt to normalize my own experience with death. My mom got sick with cancer when I was 5 and died when I was 10. Her brother became a surrogate parent to me, along with my dad, who was sick for most of my teenage years. Both of them were sick while I was in my 20's, and they both died within the past two years.

I'm 34 now, and I still don't feel ready to be "on my own" in the world. I feel envious of friends who have siblings and parents, since I just have friends as "family." I'd love to be able to share things with my parents, or ask their advice about things. At the same time, I know that my losses are behind me (although I do worry about someone else dying next). People have certainly suffered much greater losses than mine, but in my moments of self-pity, it feels like everyone I love dies.

Yesterday, a woman I know shared that she'd lost her father, but that he was older. Another woman responded, "Age doesn't matter when it's your father." I found that a beautiful sentiment.

I’m sorry you experienced so much loss at a young age.

[Anonymous]

My brother died young. It was unexpected and traumatic and horrible.

I try to think of it like, it showed me that you never know how long you have. You never know when it will snuff out, you never know if what you say to someone will be the last thing you say.

So I live my life and live it well. I hug my kids, I don't say things I can't take back, I appreciate the earth and what I can manage to see on it before I die. I live well and with hunger. I don't want to be struck down and never have done or seen something I wanted to have done or seen. Never want to leave with a terrible final memory of me.

I miss him, and others close to me like a step parent, many grandparents and an uncle, but I know he and they would only be frustrated if they felt I was letting their absence hold me back. They all gave me something, made me who I am, I try to honor them by grabbing life with both hands. And it helps make me less afraid of death.

I have two young kids and one on the way right now and I sometimes am struck with fear of if something happens to me. Struck with the fear that I'll miss our on their lives. But not struck with regret for what I've done with them so far. I think this is the best way to handle it. I'm never going to want to leave the show, but I want to always feel that my fear is about missing out on the future and not regretting the past.

You never really heal completely, but you will reach a new normal one day.

And all you other people participating in the grief olympics should stuff it.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for writing the post I have been thinking about writing but never knew how to frame the thoughts I had in my mind.

My mom died early in the morning the day after thanksgiving. 11/25. DS1 turned 3 on 11/13 and I had a newborn who was born on 11/1.

Sometimes I look back and although it's all a complete blur, I don't know how I went through it all. My mom was sick, but we did not think she would die. She was in a rehab facility (in a hospital) to get stronger after a long hospital stay and she died 2 days after arriving there. She begged my dad and said she didn't want to go. The last time my dad left her side on thanksgiving night, she was barely speaking to him.

It was so awful and sometimes I start to think about it and literally have to snap out of it and stop because how it happened and my dads reaction, going to the ER to see her shortly after (I didn't know that's what you did). I was nursing my son at my in laws house when I got the call at 6:45am that she had died.

She was so sick for so long and I was kind of relived because I had a lot to be thankful for and happy about but I certainly was not happy. She was suffering and my dad was struggling and I cared so much about them and worried so much that I could barely stand it.

I can't believe she isn't at family gatherings, isn't here to see me as a mom, to know my sons, for my dad. It's like - your here one day and then you are gone...when I really think about it it's hard to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother died young. It was unexpected and traumatic and horrible.

I try to think of it like, it showed me that you never know how long you have. You never know when it will snuff out, you never know if what you say to someone will be the last thing you say.

So I live my life and live it well. I hug my kids, I don't say things I can't take back, I appreciate the earth and what I can manage to see on it before I die. I live well and with hunger. I don't want to be struck down and never have done or seen something I wanted to have done or seen. Never want to leave with a terrible final memory of me.

I miss him, and others close to me like a step parent, many grandparents and an uncle, but I know he and they would only be frustrated if they felt I was letting their absence hold me back. They all gave me something, made me who I am, I try to honor them by grabbing life with both hands. And it helps make me less afraid of death.

I have two young kids and one on the way right now and I sometimes am struck with fear of if something happens to me. Struck with the fear that I'll miss our on their lives. But not struck with regret for what I've done with them so far. I think this is the best way to handle it. I'm never going to want to leave the show, but I want to always feel that my fear is about missing out on the future and not regretting the past.

You never really heal completely, but you will reach a new normal one day.

And all you other people participating in the grief olympics should stuff it.

This is beautiful and what I strive for. The parent I lost certainly loved life and lived it to the fullest. I tell myself he would absolutely hate being the source of anyone’s sadness. That helps me snap out of it when I get to a dark place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 33 and lost my dad a few yrs ago. It is still such a weird phenomenom to me how we will one day not exist, after seeing how my dad just literally doesnt exist anymore. I know death is part of the life cycle, but I find myself very fearful of it now and almost like too aware of it. How do those of you who have lost loved ones wrap your heads around the concept of it all? Religion, grief counseling, etc? I feel like Im in a weird place in the process of understanding and accepting the reality of death. Sorry if this is a gloomy post :/

As bizarre as this sounds, what helped me a lot (in conjunction with counseling) was seeing a medium. No joke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 33 and lost my dad a few yrs ago. It is still such a weird phenomenom to me how we will one day not exist, after seeing how my dad just literally doesnt exist anymore. I know death is part of the life cycle, but I find myself very fearful of it now and almost like too aware of it. How do those of you who have lost loved ones wrap your heads around the concept of it all? Religion, grief counseling, etc? I feel like Im in a weird place in the process of understanding and accepting the reality of death. Sorry if this is a gloomy post :/

As bizarre as this sounds, what helped me a lot (in conjunction with counseling) was seeing a medium. No joke

Not the OP, but I have thought of this. Did you go to somebody in this area? I would love a recommendation.

[Anonymous]

Most of the time I just cope as if my dad isn't really dead, just not here. It's not delusional, I'm just shifting love to the intangible, memories, photos, his recorded voice.

[Anonymous]

I lost my dad two months ago. I'm finding myself crying more and missing him more now than in ihe immediate aftermath. I'm an only child. It is especially difficult when I want to tell my dad about something cute my son did. I'm so sad that he is going to miss my son growing up.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the PPs and wanted to add something that helped me. I found it is much better to think of your deceased loved one on their birthday rather than their death day. For me, if I think “oh today is x years since my mom died” it really feels crappy, as what comes to mind is that time period of her demise.
But if I think of her on her birthday, I think of lots of great memories. People were so much more than their last days or hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I'm a biologist. Matter is not destroyed, it just gets re-assembled. The molecules of our ancestors are part of the cycle of life, plant and animal, at every level. Those whose consciousness have left them never truly leave us, on an atomic level. They form new consciousness.

For me that is a nice thought. It's true, too, unlike the unproven religious theories.

Reminding myself of this concept has helped me make peace with death. OP, I am sorry for your loss. My father died after a long illness. I believe he is looking down on me and my family from a better place now. Not necessarily a literal heaven, but somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the time I just cope as if my dad isn't really dead, just not here. It's not delusional, I'm just shifting love to the intangible, memories, photos, his recorded voice.

I do this too. I also convince myself of signs and look for them everywhere.

To the pp who is 2 months out, I’m so sorry. For me the first year was a blur and in some ways I’ve found it harder now 18 months out. Like you, what makes me the most sad is what my dad is missing in my children’s lives. He loved them so much and was so proud and always excited about whatever they were up to. He also loved to hear funny stories and I miss picking up the phone to tell him about something they did. I see my sister whose boys are grown has been having less of a hard time.

[Anonymous]

I had two remarkable visitation dreams from my father a few months after he passed. He looked young, strong and happy—quite different from the person I said goodbye to in the hospital. I am no longer afraid of dying and able to move on from the grief.