For those who have lost a parent or loved one

[Anonymous]

I am 33 and lost my dad a few yrs ago. It is still such a weird phenomenom to me how we will one day not exist, after seeing how my dad just literally doesnt exist anymore. I know death is part of the life cycle, but I find myself very fearful of it now and almost like too aware of it. How do those of you who have lost loved ones wrap your heads around the concept of it all? Religion, grief counseling, etc? I feel like Im in a weird place in the process of understanding and accepting the reality of death. Sorry if this is a gloomy post :/

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm a biologist. Matter is not destroyed, it just gets re-assembled. The molecules of our ancestors are part of the cycle of life, plant and animal, at every level. Those whose consciousness have left them never truly leave us, on an atomic level. They form new consciousness.

For me that is a nice thought. It's true, too, unlike the unproven religious theories.

[Anonymous]

It just becomes a new normal. Is this the first person in your life who's ever died? Maybe that's why you're having a hard time.

I grew up going to funerals of relatives. So when I was almost 13 and our family dog died, while I was heart broken, I understood. When I was 15 and my great-grandmother died, I was heart-broken and had to walk out of a diner to go cry outside, but I understood.

[Anonymous]

Do some magic mushrooms. I am not joking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I'm a biologist. Matter is not destroyed, it just gets re-assembled. The molecules of our ancestors are part of the cycle of life, plant and animal, at every level. Those whose consciousness have left them never truly leave us, on an atomic level. They form new consciousness.

For me that is a nice thought. It's true, too, unlike the unproven religious theories.

Lol, they form new consciousness and it’s proven. Ok. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just becomes a new normal. Is this the first person in your life who's ever died? Maybe that's why you're having a hard time.

I grew up going to funerals of relatives. So when I was almost 13 and our family dog died, while I was heart broken, I understood. When I was 15 and my great-grandmother died, I was heart-broken and had to walk out of a diner to go cry outside, but I understood.

Not OP.

Have you had a parent you were very close to you die?

I went to many funerals prior- grandparents, young classmate, best friend’s dad (young), cousin 29, and I’ve had childhood pets die.

None of this prepared me for the loss of my dad. We were incredibly close and he was the center of my life.

OP- I feel very much the same. I can’t wrap my brain around this—or the fact I will have so much of a life that he will not be present. It’s uniqueky different to other losses I’ve experienced. I am still really struggling almost 2 years later.

[Anonymous]

my dad died in 2001 and I still can't believe it. It still seems like I last saw him only a few months ago. I'm so bummed my teenage kids never got to meet him.

My mom died in April and I still have not processed it...I have to remind myself that she's dead.

For me, OP, it's hard because there is now a collection of relatives that I was close to who are dead. I miss the time where 'the regulars' were my mom, dad, Uncle E and Auntie C. They were always up to fun stuff and planning trips or holidays and cooking...it was like being on the set of I Love Lucy.

Now my brother and I are the elders, and we've got spouses and kids. It's like we're in a play but they subbed out the characters and gave us different roles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just becomes a new normal. Is this the first person in your life who's ever died? Maybe that's why you're having a hard time.

I grew up going to funerals of relatives. So when I was almost 13 and our family dog died, while I was heart broken, I understood. When I was 15 and my great-grandmother died, I was heart-broken and had to walk out of a diner to go cry outside, but I understood.

Not OP.

Have you had a parent you were very close to you die?

I went to many funerals prior- grandparents, young classmate, best friend’s dad (young), cousin 29, and I’ve had childhood pets die.

None of this prepared me for the loss of my dad. We were incredibly close and he was the center of my life.

OP- I feel very much the same. I can’t wrap my brain around this—or the fact I will have so much of a life that he will not be present. It’s uniqueky different to other losses I’ve experienced. I am still really struggling almost 2 years later.

+1

So annoying that the PP thinks losing her great-grandmother is on par with losing a father. Some people are so dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just becomes a new normal. Is this the first person in your life who's ever died? Maybe that's why you're having a hard time.

I grew up going to funerals of relatives. So when I was almost 13 and our family dog died, while I was heart broken, I understood. When I was 15 and my great-grandmother died, I was heart-broken and had to walk out of a diner to go cry outside, but I understood.

Not OP.

Have you had a parent you were very close to you die?

I went to many funerals prior- grandparents, young classmate, best friend’s dad (young), cousin 29, and I’ve had childhood pets die.

None of this prepared me for the loss of my dad. We were incredibly close and he was the center of my life.

OP- I feel very much the same. I can’t wrap my brain around this—or the fact I will have so much of a life that he will not be present. It’s uniqueky different to other losses I’ve experienced. I am still really struggling almost 2 years later.

+1

So annoying that the PP thinks losing her great-grandmother is on par with losing a father. Some people are so dense.

+2

If your great (!) - grandmother doesn’t die before you something very tragic has happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just becomes a new normal. Is this the first person in your life who's ever died? Maybe that's why you're having a hard time.

I grew up going to funerals of relatives. So when I was almost 13 and our family dog died, while I was heart broken, I understood. When I was 15 and my great-grandmother died, I was heart-broken and had to walk out of a diner to go cry outside, but I understood.

Not OP.

Have you had a parent you were very close to you die?

I went to many funerals prior- grandparents, young classmate, best friend’s dad (young), cousin 29, and I’ve had childhood pets die.

None of this prepared me for the loss of my dad. We were incredibly close and he was the center of my life.

OP- I feel very much the same. I can’t wrap my brain around this—or the fact I will have so much of a life that he will not be present. It’s uniqueky different to other losses I’ve experienced. I am still really struggling almost 2 years later.

+1

So annoying that the PP thinks losing her great-grandmother is on par with losing a father. Some people are so dense.

+2

If your great (!) - grandmother doesn’t die before you something very tragic has happened.

But didn't you read? PP is an expert on grief! She had to stop stuffing her face at a diner for 5 minutes to walk outside and cry when her great-grandmother died!

[Anonymous]

OP, is your question about how to move on after a big loss or more about how to deal with the existential question of trying to fathom how someone can be here in this world one moment and just...not...in the next moment. If the latter, I deal with it by not thinking about it. I’m not religious and would be prone to falling into the “what does any of it even matter” mindset if I gave it too much thought.

As an aside, I think the pp’s Mocking other pp’s are truly awful. It’s true that a great grandparent is not the same as a parent, or a child, but that person was attempting to help OP by offering her perspective. If it doesn’t resonate with you, move on, but mocking her is appalling behavior, IMO,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your question about how to move on after a big loss or more about how to deal with the existential question of trying to fathom how someone can be here in this world one moment and just...not...in the next moment. If the latter, I deal with it by not thinking about it. I’m not religious and would be prone to falling into the “what does any of it even matter” mindset if I gave it too much thought.

As an aside, I think the pp’s Mocking other pp’s are truly awful. It’s true that a great grandparent is not the same as a parent, or a child, but that person was attempting to help OP by offering her perspective. If it doesn’t resonate with you, move on, but mocking her is appalling behavior, IMO,

Get off your high horse. The original PP gave disrespectful "advise" under the guise of promoting herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just becomes a new normal. Is this the first person in your life who's ever died? Maybe that's why you're having a hard time.

I grew up going to funerals of relatives. So when I was almost 13 and our family dog died, while I was heart broken, I understood. When I was 15 and my great-grandmother died, I was heart-broken and had to walk out of a diner to go cry outside, but I understood.

Not OP.

Have you had a parent you were very close to you die?

[b]I went to many funerals prior- grandparents, young classmate, best friend’s dad (young), cousin 29, and I’ve had childhood pets die.

None of this prepared me for the loss of my dad. We were incredibly close and he was the center of my life.

OP- I feel very much the same. I can’t wrap my brain around this—or the fact I will have so much of a life that he will not be present. It’s uniqueky different to other losses I’ve experienced. I am still really struggling almost 2 years later.

[/b]

I could have written this exactly. No funeral or death I have ever experienced could have prepared me for the loss of my dad. It has been over 2 years since he passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 33 and lost my dad a few yrs ago. It is still such a weird phenomenom to me how we will one day not exist, after seeing how my dad just literally doesnt exist anymore. I know death is part of the life cycle, but I find myself very fearful of it now and almost like too aware of it. How do those of you who have lost loved ones wrap your heads around the concept of it all? Religion, grief counseling, etc? I feel like Im in a weird place in the process of understanding and accepting the reality of death. Sorry if this is a gloomy post :/

Death is part of living.

[Anonymous]

OP, grief is very personal. Everyone experiences loss differently and every loss is different. Some losses can rock you on your heels and others may be easier to grasp.

I have lost a best friend (at age 35), a second close friend (age 50), countless grandparents/pets/aunt/uncles/acquaintances/etc... And this winter my dad died.

Thus far my father's death has been surprisingly easy to accept - which has surprised me.

But all that matters is your own experience. If you feel you are struggling to wrap your head around the loss then explore whatever feels right to you - religion, counseling, meditation, talking to him/visiting his grave, etc... Allow yourself whatever you need.

FWIW, I have found that there really is something to the "circle of life" concept - as I watch my kids grow, experience what it is to lose a parent but still feel how much a part of me he is, and so on, the rough edges of some losses (like those that happen to the elderly or sick) seem to be softened a bit.

I am sorry for your loss.