Reply to How did your spouse (or you) resolve long-term unemployment?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If he’s a full partner in parenting and not working, is he doing most of the doctor appointments, dentist, meal prep, childcare?  A stay at home spouse is better than a non-working ex, I’d think.[/quote]

OP here: I'm the default parent for all the doctors' appointments, any family travel, all bill paying, setting up and monitoring 529s, kids' clothing, school research/lottery/registration -- all that stuff. He's classic poor executive functioning -- may want to schedule a medical appointment for himself, but needs to be reminded or he needs help identifying a doctor, then either forgets to go or gets anxious and bails.

We're about 50-50 on meal prep and he probably covers about one or two extra hours a day of child care during the week (after school and before I get home, or if I have to go to work early). He does most of the school pick up and drop off (school is one block away). He usually does the dishes but the house is a mess when I get home.

I think the main difference is we were to divorce would be that I'd have to make dinner more.

I TOTALLY understand a few of the posters saying it's the same as supporting a stay at home mom. Most stay at home moms would be the default parent and be expected to manage the house, or at least oversee someone else doing it (housekeeper). That's not the case here.

[/quote]

DP. That's the problem, I think. He's not doing anything.  My DH has been unemployed for 8 years and honestly, I'm not sure whether that will ever change.  BUT, since we've had kids, he's been a SAHD and is the default parent.  He does 85% of stuff at home - cooks, cleans, grocery shops, runs errands, handles our finances, etc.  He takes the kids to doctor and dentist appointments, handles paperwork at school and camp/activities.  That's allowed me to focus on my career and lean in, so to speak.  There are still certain areas I primarily handle - school/education issues, homework, play dates, vacation planning, and other big picture type stuff.

Have you talked with your DH about doing more around the house?  You say he has poor executive functioning - but have you actually left him to handle things on his own? What would happen if you did? So he doesn't go to the doctor - ok, not ideal, but he's a grown man.  You can't force him to go.  Is there any chance he doesn't do any of the things you mentioned because he knows YOU will do it?  It might not get done exactly the way that you would do it or on your preferred time frame, but if it gets done in an acceptable fashion, that's all that matters. [/quote]

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