Reply to Father w/Alzheimer's & Driving

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Here's what I've learned from watching my parents and my friends' parents over the years.  As things happen, the spouses tend to cover for each other, and it seems sweet in a way, but it's about selfishness. They don't want their lives to change, and whatever illness the other spouse has interferes with that . It's not as much as mean as it is fear. Fear of change,  fear of being alone, fear of death. If we don't acknowledge it,  it isn't happening really. And- they will actually lie to you in order to preserve this fantasy.

The car thing needs to stop now, and regards to other things, your Mom might need some counseling because she is having trouble with accepting . I know that you didn't expect to be having to take over at your age, but your Mom isn't, so you have to. Not later- now. I'm sorry- it really is hard. Been there, and it was ugly.[/quote]

OP here: PP- thank you: You've hit the nail on the head. My Mom does cover a lot of my Dad, and as you astutely noted: it's likely rooted in fear. So it's easier to ignore so as not to acknowledge the reality. She makes excuses for why his memory is poor on any given day (it was really hot out, or she had given him cold medicine), until she realizes that the memory issue he is exhibiting doesn't go away when the factor she used as an excuse does. She also ignores the fact that he's gone from scoring a 22 on a cognitive assessment, which is what he scored around the time of diagnosis ( backed up by an MRI showing front temporal shrinkage), to an 18 in the span of 6 months. Yet, when my husband and I put up a car for sale recently, she asked if she and my Dad could buy it so my Dad could have a car to tool around in, since as previously mentioned, his current vehicle is in poor condition and can't be driven far..  :shock:

I do know my Mom went to a support group a couple months ago for spouses/caretakers of family members w/Alzheimer's. She said she left in tears one time b/c people in the group were telling her how to handle things that will be down the road (incontinence, feeding, showering, etc.). So she hasn't gone back b/c she doesn't think she's at the point with my Dad where the other members are with their loved ones. SMH.

It's hard. I live a 5 hour drive away from my folks; they are in a very rural area so flying is not an option. Plus I have 2 children under the age of 4 at home, both my husband and I have busy careers, and travel is a requirement for mine, etc.  We were juggling a lot before this happened. Not using it as an excuse; just for context. Since the winter I've been trying to get down 1x/month to help out for a few days. Long term, in a year, we're planning to move closer so I can drive to/from their home more frequently. We've already started touring neighborhoods and identifying area of the city we're planning to move to. My only other sibling is located out on the Pacific coast, so other than me, that's pretty much it in terms of help for my parents; we have no other family nearby.

Honestly, all this worries me sick. I sent my Mom a message apologizing for pushing the issue when she asked me to stop, but stating I hoped to talk very soon about my Dad's driving situation. All I got back was that she and my Dad had toured a retirement community w/ independent and assisted living communities, as well as a memory center for "when the time comes" and that my Dad was really emotionally about it afterwards. No acknowledgement about him continuing to drive.  Part of me is like... I've done all I can do and my Mom is a grown-ass woman and if she chooses to continue to act so recklessly with my Dad, especially after concerns have been raised to her about it, then if anything should happen, that is on her. And part of me is worried sick over all of this. They have a lot of assets they could lose in a lawsuit if my Dad were to injure or harm someone while driving.

I don't know the name of my Dad's doctor yet, so it may just be that I need to start calling around to figure out where he's a patient. If I ask my Mom now, she'll know what I'm up to.  Or, is another previous poster noted- contact the DMV to see if they can help.  But even that, short of taking his keys... if his licenses is suspended, knowing my Dad, he'd just drive w/o a license until my Mom actually takes and disposes of the keys and he cannot find them. I'll likely try to talk to her one last time, and if she continues to make excuses, then I'll have to do one of the above. Or take the damn keys myself when I'm down there in a few weeks, and my Mom can be pissed at me all she wants.  [/quote]

I'm the PP that wrote the beginning to this reply. FWIW, I am older than you, but doing this right now with my inlaws after watching it with my parents. It is horrible. It is like managing teenagers who lie. I guess you realized what I did, and what you are realizing now. You do have to piss them off, and it's so sad bc that's the least thing you want to do at this point in their lives.  I guess I am surprised at your Mom... 6 years older than me. She needs to get it together. My heart goes out to her, a very sad end to their life. However, if he hurts someone in a car, the lawsuit will wipe out all their assets. There won't be a decent facility in about a year...( yes, for early onset it progresses rapidly), it will be a poorly run facility that has an opening and takes Medicare....and not immediately when she needs it. That takes months of paperwork.  She will be left penniless and destitute, and possibly criminally liable,  within two years.  Get a social worker to explain that to her.

Another thing you've realized.  Only one sibling generally steps up. Looks like it's you. I wish I could give you a hug here.[/quote]

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