Maternal Instinct Isn’t Real, But the Myth Makes Parenting Harder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I believe that maternal instinct isn't real. I sure as hell feel that "mama bear must protect her cub" thing. It doesn't mean that Dad gets a pass from helping out, but it does mean that certain feelings came naturally to me. (I read a lot of books, though, to figure out exactly what to do in terms of feeding, sleeping, etc.)

+1 with the mama bear protection, as well as that fact I can tell so much about what's going on with my kid by the sound of his voice, the look on his face and by his body language. My dh, who is a hands on, excellent parent, doesn't notice these things.

Umm, that is being attuned or being better at reading people. Not maternal instinct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what about women who don't immediately bond with their babies? A lot of women feel guilt when they don't immediately feel this instinct that everyone says they are supposed to have, when it's perfectly normal. When my baby was born, I cared for her, I was thrilled she was here, but I felt like we had just met. I was fine with her going to the nursery for a while so I could rest. It took some time before we bonded.

Bonding isn't the same thing as maternal instinct.

NP. It took me a very long time (like years) to bond, but I still had a maternal instinct. Even suffering debilitating PPD, nothing was hurting that baby without going through me first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I believe that maternal instinct isn't real. I sure as hell feel that "mama bear must protect her cub" thing. It doesn't mean that Dad gets a pass from helping out, but it does mean that certain feelings came naturally to me. (I read a lot of books, though, to figure out exactly what to do in terms of feeding, sleeping, etc.)

+1 with the mama bear protection, as well as that fact I can tell so much about what's going on with my kid by the sound of his voice, the look on his face and by his body language. My dh, who is a hands on, excellent parent, doesn't notice these things.

Umm, that is being attuned or being better at reading people. Not maternal instinct.

I dunno.... it only works with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

+1. To me the maternal instinct is the need to protect the baby. It doesn’t mean the mother would “instinctively” know how to swaddle or breastfeed, but she would want to learn / do these things as part of her maternal instinct to protect (providing food and comfort is part of protecting).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what about women who don't immediately bond with their babies? A lot of women feel guilt when they don't immediately feel this instinct that everyone says they are supposed to have, when it's perfectly normal. When my baby was born, I cared for her, I was thrilled she was here, but I felt like we had just met. I was fine with her going to the nursery for a while so I could rest. It took some time before we bonded.

Bonding isn't the same thing as maternal instinct.

Agree, I remember as a mom to a newborn a stron instinct to protect my baby from any bit of discomfort and I was constantly on protective guard. That was a feeling I had never had but it was not this bubbly loving bonding happy feeling. I didn’t feel a rush of love hormones, I felt a rush of “protect this baby at all costs!” and the bonding came months later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what about women who don't immediately bond with their babies? A lot of women feel guilt when they don't immediately feel this instinct that everyone says they are supposed to have, when it's perfectly normal. When my baby was born, I cared for her, I was thrilled she was here, but I felt like we had just met. I was fine with her going to the nursery for a while so I could rest. It took some time before we bonded.

Bonding isn't the same thing as maternal instinct.

NP. It took me a very long time (like years) to bond, but I still had a maternal instinct. Even suffering debilitating PPD, nothing was hurting that baby without going through me first.

I just posted essentially the same thing before reading your post! This is exactly what I’m talking about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

+1. To me the maternal instinct is the need to protect the baby. It doesn’t mean the mother would “instinctively” know how to swaddle or breastfeed, but she would want to learn / do these things as part of her maternal instinct to protect (providing food and comfort is part of protecting).

But doesn’t instinct mean that it applies to ALL mothers? What about mothers who kill and abuse their kids. I don’t deny that there is a special kind of love many parent have towards their children but instinct is a reflexive act that applies to all. I don’t think it is the right term or exists. We often hear about an animal mothering instinct .... but what about animals who kill their kids/ leave them soon after birth? Just don’t think instinct is the right term and I do agree that it’s a disservice to use it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

+1. To me the maternal instinct is the need to protect the baby. It doesn’t mean the mother would “instinctively” know how to swaddle or breastfeed, but she would want to learn / do these things as part of her maternal instinct to protect (providing food and comfort is part of protecting).

But doesn’t instinct mean that it applies to ALL mothers? What about mothers who kill and abuse their kids. I don’t deny that there is a special kind of love many parent have towards their children but instinct is a reflexive act that applies to all. I don’t think it is the right term or exists. We often hear about an animal mothering instinct .... but what about animals who kill their kids/ leave them soon after birth? Just don’t think instinct is the right term and I do agree that it’s a disservice to use it.

You could ask the biologist. But as I understand it, instinct is not uniform, some have more of it and some have less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

I'm glad to hear others experienced this as well. I got very upset, had horrible anxiety, and my heart would race. Physically, I would feel ill. I still react this way when I hear my LO (18 months) cry sometimes-there is this certain pitch that he gets to and I will move cars/swim across rivers/etc to make it stop.

+1. Hearing my children cry creates a terrible physical reaction in me. DH doesn't like me driving if one of the kids is crying int he back seat because I get a little erratic and panicky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

+1. To me the maternal instinct is the need to protect the baby. It doesn’t mean the mother would “instinctively” know how to swaddle or breastfeed, but she would want to learn / do these things as part of her maternal instinct to protect (providing food and comfort is part of protecting).

But doesn’t instinct mean that it applies to ALL mothers? What about mothers who kill and abuse their kids. I don’t deny that there is a special kind of love many parent have towards their children but instinct is a reflexive act that applies to all. I don’t think it is the right term or exists. We often hear about an animal mothering instinct .... but what about animals who kill their kids/ leave them soon after birth? Just don’t think instinct is the right term and I do agree that it’s a disservice to use it.

This is from Wikipedia - “Instincts are inborn complex patterns of behavior that exist in most members of the species, and should be distinguished from reflexes, which are simple responses of an organism to a specific stimulus, such as the contraction of the pupil in response to bright light or the spasmodic movement of the lower leg when the knee is tapped. The absence of volitional capacity must not be confused with an inability to modify fixed action patterns. For example, people may be able to modify a stimulated fixed action pattern by consciously recognizing the point of its activation and simply stop doing it, whereas animals without a sufficiently strong volitional capacity may not be able to disengage from their fixed action patterns, once activated.[1]”.

What you describe is a reflex - like a new born’s reflex to suck. Instinct is different from reflex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

I'm glad to hear others experienced this as well. I got very upset, had horrible anxiety, and my heart would race. Physically, I would feel ill. I still react this way when I hear my LO (18 months) cry sometimes-there is this certain pitch that he gets to and I will move cars/swim across rivers/etc to make it stop.

+1. Hearing my children cry creates a terrible physical reaction in me. DH doesn't like me driving if one of the kids is crying int he back seat because I get a little erratic and panicky.

I seriously thought I was the only one. I get super frazzled too but I thought it was from a couple of experiences when I was alone and he choked on his own saliva (reflux and other medical complications) during the first few weeks while I was driving back from appointments. I had to pull over more than once to make sure he was still breathing. I will be more open about this so that another mom doesn't think she is alone/crazy.

[Anonymous]

Our species has survived because of maternal instincts. Or more specifically evolution has ensured that those with strong protective/maternal instincts passed on their genes. The ones without it had their babies eaten by Sabre tooth tigers. You could argue that even today those with more engaged, more protective moms have better outcomes in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

+1. To me the maternal instinct is the need to protect the baby. It doesn’t mean the mother would “instinctively” know how to swaddle or breastfeed, but she would want to learn / do these things as part of her maternal instinct to protect (providing food and comfort is part of protecting).

As a new mom, I read "maternal instinct" as "I should automatically know what my baby's cries mean." I also actually read parenting books that told me I was harming my child because I definitely actually had no idea what her cries meant unless I first went through a careful mental checklist and even then it was sometimes still confusing. So yeah, that read on "maternal instinct" was definitely stressful and painful. It was incredibly helpful to hear my own very nurturing mother tell me she used to have no idea too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a biologist, I would need to see a non-biased, scientific study, instead of this Fatherly fluff piece that merely highlights some people’s opinions. There are decades of research across animal species, including humans, that show how most adult females have much stronger tendencies to care for young.

I understand society has a strong incentive to persuade males that they need to raise kids too, for the benefit of the group, but you have to realize that Homo Sapiens has already made incredible strides in that direction in recent centuries. The trend will probably continue.

I agree and was just thinking the same thing this morning when I saw a piece about a nonprofit group giving baby dolls to elderly females with dementia. That nurturing bond is so strong that it even comes through in the throes of dementia - visit any nursing home and you'll see what I mean. It's deep in there. It would be interesting to see if females that didn't have kids/raise kids with dementia do the same.

[Anonymous]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yrIcXMahB78

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2DmUJcRrX48