Maternal Instinct Isn’t Real, But the Myth Makes Parenting Harder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

I'm glad to hear others experienced this as well. I got very upset, had horrible anxiety, and my heart would race. Physically, I would feel ill. I still react this way when I hear my LO (18 months) cry sometimes-there is this certain pitch that he gets to and I will move cars/swim across rivers/etc to make it stop.

My mom was in the hospital asking staff to run all these tests on some strange pain she was having in her stomach. I was miscarrying. She felt the pain when it was happening. It was bizarre and hints like this have happened before. Also, I’ve had an intuition about something, and had listening to my gut validated with my own daughter far too many times to not believe in maternal instinct.

We all have some type of human nstinct, but there is a difference between maternal, paternal, and parental instinct. I liken it to antennas tuned to different frequencies.

[Anonymous]

Moms are into kids more 0-6

Dads are into kids 6-12

12+ it's a mixed bag

Scientific Research backs this up

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom of 3 and don’t feel a maternal instinct, never did. I love my kids and of course take care of them, but don’t feel the “mama bear” thing, whatever it is. When DH was hoping I would become a SAHM (I did for a little while), I would sometimes ask him to think about how he feels after x hours of being with the kids. That is exactly how I feel, too. I don’t enjoy or dislike it any more than he does.

Anyways, it works for us. He does almost as much of the emotional and physical work with the kids as I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a biologist, I would need to see a non-biased, scientific study, instead of this Fatherly fluff piece that merely highlights some people’s opinions. There are decades of research across animal species, including humans, that show how most adult females have much stronger tendencies to care for young.

I understand society has a strong incentive to persuade males that they need to raise kids too, for the benefit of the group, but you have to realize that Homo Sapiens has already made incredible strides in that direction in recent centuries. The trend will probably continue.

OP here, did you read the whole article? I agree it’s a little fluffy with lots of anecdotes and quotes from experts, but it also cites several research studies that show that many women have trouble bonding with their infants.

I see that many PPs are responding with their own anecdotes which they feel support the existence of “maternal instinct.” Nonetheless, I think the point of the article is many women don’t feel this, much of it is a social construction, and relying on this notion of maternal instinct is associated with a lot of ill effects. This includes shaming/silencing of those who do have trouble feeling bonded, and a belief that women ought to be fulfilled by their parenting roles alone, not to mention implications for the involvement of fathers, adoptive mothers, two-dad families, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a biologist, I would need to see a non-biased, scientific study, instead of this Fatherly fluff piece that merely highlights some people’s opinions. There are decades of research across animal species, including humans, that show how most adult females have much stronger tendencies to care for young.

I understand society has a strong incentive to persuade males that they need to raise kids too, for the benefit of the group, but you have to realize that Homo Sapiens has already made incredible strides in that direction in recent centuries. The trend will probably continue.

I agree with the bolded. Oh and also.. oxytocin!

Oxytocin (Oxt) is a peptide hormone and neuropeptide. Oxytocin is normally produced in the hypothalamus and released by the posterior pituitary. It plays a role in social bonding, sexual reproduction, childbirth, and the period after childbirth

[Anonymous]

They teach this stuff in every birthing class.. or at least most?...

Oxytocin is a particularly important hormone for women. "Oxytocin is a peptide produced in the brain that was first recognized for its role in the birth process, and also in nursing,"


Oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland, a pea-sized structure at the base of the brain.
It's sometimes known as the "cuddle hormone" or the "love hormone," because it is released when people snuggle up or bond socially. Even playing with your dog can cause an oxytocin surge, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Hormones and Behavior. But these monikers may be misleading.

Oxytocin can also intensify memories of bonding gone bad, such as in cases where men have poor relationships with their mothers. It can also make people less accepting of people they see as outsiders. In other words, whether oxytocin makes you feel cuddly or suspicious of others depends on the environment.

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Oxytocin is known as the "cuddle hormone," but that simplistic moniker glosses over the complex role this hormone plays in social interactions and bonding.
Credit: wavebreakmedia | Shutterstock
Oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland, a pea-sized structure at the base of the brain.
It's sometimes known as the "cuddle hormone" or the "love hormone," because it is released when people snuggle up or bond socially. Even playing with your dog can cause an oxytocin surge, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Hormones and Behavior. But these monikers may be misleading.
Oxytocin can also intensify memories of bonding gone bad, such as in cases where men have poor relationships with their mothers. It can also make people less accepting of people they see as outsiders. In other words, whether oxytocin makes you feel cuddly or suspicious of others depends on the environment.




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Oxytocin in women
Oxytocin is a particularly important hormone for women. "Oxytocin is a peptide produced in the brain that was first recognized for its role in the birth process, and also in nursing," said Larry Young, a behavioral neuroscientist at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia.
The hormone causes uterine contractions during labor and helps shrink the uterus after delivery. When an infant suckles at his or her mother's breast, the stimulation causes a release of oxytocin, which, in turn, orders the body to "let down" milk for the baby to drink.

Oxytocin also promotes mother-child bonding. Studies show that "female rats find pups to be aversive if [the females are] virgins," Young told Live Science. "But once they give birth, the brain is transformed, so they find the pups irresistible," he said. And similar findings are seen in humans.

A 2007 study published in the journal Psychological Science found that the higher a mom's oxytocin levels in the first trimester of pregnancy, the more likely she was to engage in bonding behaviors such as singing to or bathing her baby. [11 Interesting Effects of Oxytocin]

Although maternal bonding may not always be hardwired — after all, human females can adopt babies and take care of them — oxytocin released during pregnancy "does seem to have a role in motivation and feelings of connectedness to a baby," Young said. Studies also show that interacting with a baby causes the infant's own oxytocin levels to increase, he added.

Oxytocin in men
In men, as in women, oxytocin facilitates bonding. Dads who got a boost of oxytocin via a nasal spray played more closely with their 5-month-old babies than dads who didn't get the hormone zap, a 2012 study found. (There is another hormone, called vasopressin, which plays a stronger role in men.)

Another study found that men in relationships given a burst of oxytocin spray stood farther away from an attractive woman than men who weren't given any oxytocin. Single men didn't see any effect from the hormone, suggesting oxytocin may work as a fidelity booster for guys who are already bonded with another woman.
This anti-social effect of a social hormone brings some nuance to the story of oxytocin. In one study, researchers found that Dutch students given a snort of the hormone became more positive about fictional Dutch characters, but were more negative about characters with Arab or German names. The finding suggests that oxytocin's social bonding effects are targeted at whomever a person perceives as part of their in-group, the researchers reported in January 2011 in the journal PNAS.

In another study, published in PNAS in 2010, men were given a dose of oxytocin and asked to write about their mothers. Those with secure relationships described their moms as more caring after the hormone dose. Those with troubled relationships actually saw their mothers as less caring. The hormone may help with the formation of social memories, according to the study researchers, so a whiff strengthens previous associations, whether good or bad.
"My view of what oxytocin is doing in the brain is making social information more salient," Young said. "It connects brain areas involved in processing social information — whether it's sights, faces, sounds or smells — and helps link those areas to the brain's reward system."

https://www.livescience.com/42198-what-is-oxytocin.html

[Anonymous]

Isn't this adorable?... from the above.. there is something in it..

Oxytocin also promotes mother-child bonding. Studies show that "female rats find pups to be aversive if [the females are] virgins," Young told Live Science. "But once they give birth, the brain is transformed, so they find the pups irresistible," he said. And similar findings are seen in humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms are into kids more 0-6

Dads are into kids 6-12

12+ it's a mixed bag

Scientific Research backs this up

What happens after 12?.. you are scaring me!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As a biologist, I would need to see a non-biased, scientific study, instead of this Fatherly fluff piece that merely highlights some people’s opinions. There are decades of research across animal species, including humans, that show how most adult females have much stronger tendencies to care for young.

I understand society has a strong incentive to persuade males that they need to raise kids too, for the benefit of the group, but you have to realize that Homo Sapiens has already made incredible strides in that direction in recent centuries. The trend will probably continue.

OP here, did you read the whole article? I agree it’s a little fluffy with lots of anecdotes and quotes from experts, but it also cites several research studies that show that many women have trouble bonding with their infants.

I see that many PPs are responding with their own anecdotes which they feel support the existence of “maternal instinct.” Nonetheless, I think the point of the article is many women don’t feel this, much of it is a social construction, and relying on this notion of maternal instinct is associated with a lot of ill effects. This includes shaming/silencing of those who do have trouble feeling bonded, and a belief that women ought to be fulfilled by their parenting roles alone, not to mention implications for the involvement of fathers, adoptive mothers, two-dad families, etc.

bonding isn't maternal instinct

[Anonymous]

Talk to all the kids who have been abused and neglected by their mothers.

Talk to social workers and cops.

Not all women have strong maternal instincts.

[Anonymous]

My mom slept through my and my sibling’s cries when we were infants. She even admits that if my dad hadn’t been around to feed us, we would have died. Not all moms have a maternal instinct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom slept through my and my sibling’s cries when we were infants. She even admits that if my dad hadn’t been around to feed us, we would have died. Not all moms have a maternal instinct.

My in laws slept through my bil's cries, too. He was a later in life baby and, if not for my sil and dh (who were 8 &10), he would've died, too. Dh and sil were de facto parents, who raised him the best they could. He is very protective and nurturing of his own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom slept through my and my sibling’s cries when we were infants. She even admits that if my dad hadn’t been around to feed us, we would have died. Not all moms have a maternal instinct.

Saying 'not all moms have a maternal instinct' isn't the same as saying 'maternal instinct isn't real'.

Some people are born without a limb or without a part of their brain or without a certain protein, it doesn't mean that that is normal. Maternal instinct has kept the human race alive. I'm not saying its some perfect or universal feeling, but the human brain is built for maternal instinct when its running on optimal.

[Anonymous]

I think the hormones do make you responsive to your kids, and I think it works for moms and dads (although I think moms often get more of the hormones through pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding).

However, I don't think this equates to "bonding" or knowing how to care for a child. You might be responsive but not know what to do intuitively -- in fact, I think a lot of parents do not "intuitively" know what to do, and that's the part of the "instinct" discussion that rubs me the wrong way. I also don't think you necessarily have to feel bonded in order to care for a child.

PPD can also really mess with this supposed "instinct," and all the talk about the instinct can worsen PPD if you feel like you don't have the instinct and aren't all that gaga over your baby. I had PPD with my friend, lots of trouble with breastfeeding, and a really difficult baby. We were not bonded well, although I took care of him fine. I didn't have PPD with my second, and I bonded much more with him, but I think I cared for both similarly in terms of actually making sure their needs were met.