Maternal Instinct Isn’t Real, But the Myth Makes Parenting Harder

[Anonymous]

Has this been posted yet? Seen it floating around social media and getting a lot of discussion in mom groups, with a lot of women saying the article resonates.

“Mothers, we are told, share special bonds with their children and are programmed to be selfless and natural nurturers. They are supposed to instinctively understand how to hold, feed, and soothe their infants. But neither social nor evolutionary science support the notion that “maternal instinct” is real.

Unrealistic expectations are real. Cultural conditioning for caregiving roles is real. Male reticence to participate in specific aspect of parenting is real. But maternal instinct is just a damaging idea that clouds discussions of co-parenting and gender equity. There is simply no reason to let biology make mothers feel like they need to bear the full burden of parenting or for dads feel like they’re not on equal footing from the start.”

https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/maternal-instinct-isnt-real-but-the-myth-makes-parenting-harder/

[Anonymous]

As a biologist, I would need to see a non-biased, scientific study, instead of this Fatherly fluff piece that merely highlights some people’s opinions. There are decades of research across animal species, including humans, that show how most adult females have much stronger tendencies to care for young.

I understand society has a strong incentive to persuade males that they need to raise kids too, for the benefit of the group, but you have to realize that Homo Sapiens has already made incredible strides in that direction in recent centuries. The trend will probably continue.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I believe that maternal instinct isn't real. I sure as hell feel that "mama bear must protect her cub" thing. It doesn't mean that Dad gets a pass from helping out, but it does mean that certain feelings came naturally to me. (I read a lot of books, though, to figure out exactly what to do in terms of feeding, sleeping, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Eh. I think a lot of this has to do with the "independence" mantra of western child-rearing. Mammals co-sleep, cuddle, wear, etc their babies constantly. THAT is the motherly instinct and every parent is told the following:

"Youll spoil him/her if you hold him/her all the time"
"Youve got to let him/her self-soothe"
"Let them figure it out themselves"
"Dont make a rod for your own back"

So when social and cultural "norms" clash with what is biologically normal, moms cant listen to their instincts because they are told they are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a biologist, I would need to see a non-biased, scientific study, instead of this Fatherly fluff piece that merely highlights some people’s opinions. There are decades of research across animal species, including humans, that show how most adult females have much stronger tendencies to care for young.

I understand society has a strong incentive to persuade males that they need to raise kids too, for the benefit of the group, but you have to realize that Homo Sapiens has already made incredible strides in that direction in recent centuries. The trend will probably continue.

I'm not a biologist, but this was my reaction too.

DH is a good, hands-on father. But I think that's more cultural and personal preference than instinct.

[Anonymous]

Breastfeeding was hard AF at first. I did not know how to make the baby latch on correctly. A lactation consultant helped me with that. However, my desire to care for the baby was something that came naturally to me. I think. I mean that is a god-given instinct unless you are brain-dead, dysfunctional or very disturbed, correct?

[Anonymous]

I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

[Anonymous]

Another drivel article in some blog?! I am not sure I buy this at all, about mom or dads. I am not saying I knew how to latch the baby perfectly, or change the cloth diaper, but I sure wanted my baby with me even after I told nurses to take her to the nursery so I can get some sleep and rest. I couldn't sleep and went nuts about worry and went to get her. My DH stood by my bed after our first was born, and told me, "thank you for my baby." Doesn't sound like he had no emotions or "instinct."
But, yes the patriarchal indoctrination and expectations are a real thing, that I agree with.
It is stupid to think women are programmed to be perfect care givers, but I have seen my dh and me unconditionally do anything for our kids for 20 years now, we see their good and bad sides. DH certainly seemed nuts about holding his first all the time, and with our second slept with her 3 nights per week due to her illness when she was in pain. But I also saw both of use tired and fed up with non stop crying and care, no news to be seen here, just being a human animal, we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

I'm glad to hear others experienced this as well. I got very upset, had horrible anxiety, and my heart would race. Physically, I would feel ill. I still react this way when I hear my LO (18 months) cry sometimes-there is this certain pitch that he gets to and I will move cars/swim across rivers/etc to make it stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

I'm glad to hear others experienced this as well. I got very upset, had horrible anxiety, and my heart would race. Physically, I would feel ill. I still react this way when I hear my LO (18 months) cry sometimes-there is this certain pitch that he gets to and I will move cars/swim across rivers/etc to make it stop.

I think this is one reason humans have survived so long despite the fact that our young needs care for so long.

[Anonymous]

But what about women who don't immediately bond with their babies? A lot of women feel guilt when they don't immediately feel this instinct that everyone says they are supposed to have, when it's perfectly normal. When my baby was born, I cared for her, I was thrilled she was here, but I felt like we had just met. I was fine with her going to the nursery for a while so I could rest. It took some time before we bonded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But what about women who don't immediately bond with their babies? A lot of women feel guilt when they don't immediately feel this instinct that everyone says they are supposed to have, when it's perfectly normal. When my baby was born, I cared for her, I was thrilled she was here, but I felt like we had just met. I was fine with her going to the nursery for a while so I could rest. It took some time before we bonded.

Bonding isn't the same thing as maternal instinct.

[Anonymous]

It was true for me but not everyone is a natural born nurturer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I believe that maternal instinct isn't real. I sure as hell feel that "mama bear must protect her cub" thing. It doesn't mean that Dad gets a pass from helping out, but it does mean that certain feelings came naturally to me. (I read a lot of books, though, to figure out exactly what to do in terms of feeding, sleeping, etc.)

+1 with the mama bear protection, as well as that fact I can tell so much about what's going on with my kid by the sound of his voice, the look on his face and by his body language. My dh, who is a hands on, excellent parent, doesn't notice these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the maternal instinct is real. I used to have a visceral reaction when my children cried as babies. I wanted to be able to leave them to be handled by someone else sometimes so I could get sleep, but something in me reacted viscerally to their cries.

That doesn’t mean others, especially the father, should not do the fair share of the work.

I'm glad to hear others experienced this as well. I got very upset, had horrible anxiety, and my heart would race. Physically, I would feel ill. I still react this way when I hear my LO (18 months) cry sometimes-there is this certain pitch that he gets to and I will move cars/swim across rivers/etc to make it stop.

+1