Reply to Advice please....long distance relationship in 50's..ugh......female perspective sought

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP Here.  First off, WOW, you all are great.  I had low expectations posting, but the perspective you've given is wonderful.  Thanks so very much.

I must admit, I was surprised by the number of people who understood J’s—the person I’m seeing—thinking, actions.  That, actually, is both refreshing and really reassuring to me.     Reading the posts that said things like "she had a life before," “you’re the new guy," "stay positive,” was really helpful.

As to your questions:

Exclusive.  We haven’t discussed it directly, but if I went out with someone else tonight, she would be upset.  And, I’m not the sort to do that.  So, whatever haven’t said, I think we are exclusive and I would guess she feels the same.

Friend Relationship: She's not a lesbian. This is a true friend,  someone she sees like twice a year.  The friend is a well-in-advance planner—makes plans months out and not much flexibility to reschedule.

Overall, I’m going to do as most of you said: take a step back, give her some space, stay positive, let things play out.  View this as a hiccup.

One of you wrote saying, you are in the same position and I wanted perspective because I felt bad.  Dead on.  Exactly.

It isn’t the distance.  I get she has a life and want her to have a life. I don’t need to control, or see her constantly.  I’m generally ok with the distance. I’m deliberately not pushing her, or us, or things.  Etc.  Why do I feel bad . . .

1.  I felt like there was no flexibility.  She had plans with her friend to spend the whole day.  I don’t understand why she couldn’t have compromised a bit on her friend plan  so we could’ve spent some time together.  I don’t get why it was all or nothing, especially given that it isn’t like we can see each other the next day, or week, or weeks.

2.  It wasn’t just that she had plans with her friend.  We had specific plans, too.  In deciding to honor her plans with her friend, she broke our plans.  That made me feel like I’m not a priority.  See #1 above.  She seemed to be OK with breaking plans with me.

3.  In advance of this issue, we had a conversation about July, which we both knew going in would be tough.  During that talk, she said that this being so new we should avoid three to five weeks with no time together.  I agreed.  We planned to see each other this week specifically to avoid that.  Then she made a choice that is causing just that.  I’m not saying she is doing this or is doing it consciously, but it almost feels like a test.

By the way, yes, I wrote for perspective, but one of you asked was I seeking advice on what to do...of course.  We joke about that Keith Urban song . . . "If I knew what I was doing, I'd be doing it."

Again, you guys are great.  Thanks so much.[/quote]

I think you’re expecting way too much way too soon.  It’s okay to feel bad about not seeing her.  I’m sure she feels bad too.  But she had prior plans with a friend who she sees twice a year.  You seriously can’t expect her to break or modify those plans. It wasn’t that she wasn’t putting you first, it’s that she never should have made any plans with you in the first place.  You’re reading way too much into this.  This isn’t a test at all.  She didn’t choose her friend over you.  She chose to honor the plans she’d made first.  This isn’t about you!

It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself but you can’t blame her for any of this.  Would you have been equally as upset if she declined to make plans with you at all based on her prior commitments.  Truly dude you need to slow down![/quote]

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