ILs don't ask when they can visit - they tell us when they are going to visit (and other DH issues)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another I have terrible in law threads. You women are incredible

How so

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would assume that grandparents visit for every birthday, yes. Can you put boundaries on the visit? "Thanks for visiting, MIL & FIL. Can you meet us at XYZ restaurant Saturday at 6 for Larla's birthday?"

How far away are they? Does visiting mean spending the night at your house, or just the afternoon?

OP here - close driving distance, but yes, visiting means spending the night in our home. I would have NO problem if they were local and wanted to come over for a b-day, but having visitors is disruptive. We have a very small home, and having visitors means we're unable to use 1/3 of it.

You're in control of who stays in your house. Just tell them "that won't work for us."

But it's the DH -- not OP -- who needs to say this!

OP, both you and DH have let it go on to the point they now will be shocked when he says this, because they have developed the assumption that the current types of visits are just fine. After all, no one ever said anything.

DH is the key. When kids are not around (in fact I'd do this away from home when a sitter is with the kids, so zero interruptions), you need to have a talk with him. Do not wing it. Write down a script, let it get cold, go back and cut out anything that later seems accusatory or petty. Be sure you emphasize how much you do like his parents. Play up the idea of your family of you/DH/kids needs time to be together.

Have this discussion only when you have a list of specific ideas to give him. "I'd like them to visit less" is a no-go; instead, try, "Can we come up with specific dates so we're not surprised like we were when they announced they were coming back in three weeks? For instance, OK, they come then, but I'd like just us to have the weekends in June to ourselves for [day trip to apple farm, weekend at beach, a household project etc.]. Then we can tell them to come for the weekend of July X. " In other words schedule them. Don't pull a "we'll see you whenever"--give them specific dates well in advance and add that you have plans other dates But you have to get DH on board. When they say, we're coming on day Y, DH must say immediately and with a big smile: "Thst won't work for us--we're busy. But remember, we already talked about your coming on date Z. We'll see you then!" No discussion! Straight up cheery "that doesn't work but this other date does and you already know that." They cannot then say they "never see the kids" or "don't feel welcome."

Also add in invitations to meet your family somewhere between you and them. Research the drive and see what's en route you might not know about. If they're not that far, can you do day trips where you all meet, stay for late morning through early dinner time and then go your own ways? Mix up the visits so they aren't always overnights, if your kids' ages permit longish day trips.

DH also needs to realize that as your kids get older the stakes in school get higher, and weeknight visits just do not work at all once kids are having a ton of homework and projects, tests that really do matter, and committed activities. That will force this talk with his parents. Better for him to have it sooner. It can be done as the response next time they invite themselves, rather than a lecture from him. But it is HIS to manage. If he just will not, discuss with him your doing it but be sure he is on board.

Was he raised this way, OP? Does he not see any issue? Some people raised like this will say "But family just comes, that's how it works, we're not formal, you're hurtful, etc." if he's like that you may need to talk to him about why YOU need a different pattern. (I'm with you, BTW!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would assume that grandparents visit for every birthday, yes. Can you put boundaries on the visit? "Thanks for visiting, MIL & FIL. Can you meet us at XYZ restaurant Saturday at 6 for Larla's birthday?"

How far away are they? Does visiting mean spending the night at your house, or just the afternoon?

OP here - close driving distance, but yes, visiting means spending the night in our home. I would have NO problem if they were local and wanted to come over for a b-day, but having visitors is disruptive. We have a very small home, and having visitors means we're unable to use 1/3 of it.

You're in control of who stays in your house. Just tell them "that won't work for us."

But it's the DH -- not OP -- who needs to say this!

OP, both you and DH have let it go on to the point they now will be shocked when he says this, because they have developed the assumption that the current types of visits are just fine. After all, no one ever said anything.

DH is the key. When kids are not around (in fact I'd do this away from home when a sitter is with the kids, so zero interruptions), you need to have a talk with him. Do not wing it. Write down a script, let it get cold, go back and cut out anything that later seems accusatory or petty. Be sure you emphasize how much you do like his parents. Play up the idea of your family of you/DH/kids needs time to be together.

Have this discussion only when you have a list of specific ideas to give him. "I'd like them to visit less" is a no-go; instead, try, "Can we come up with specific dates so we're not surprised like we were when they announced they were coming back in three weeks? For instance, OK, they come then, but I'd like just us to have the weekends in June to ourselves for [day trip to apple farm, weekend at beach, a household project etc.]. Then we can tell them to come for the weekend of July X. " In other words schedule them. Don't pull a "we'll see you whenever"--give them specific dates well in advance and add that you have plans other dates But you have to get DH on board. When they say, we're coming on day Y, DH must say immediately and with a big smile: "Thst won't work for us--we're busy. But remember, we already talked about your coming on date Z. We'll see you then!" No discussion! Straight up cheery "that doesn't work but this other date does and you already know that." They cannot then say they "never see the kids" or "don't feel welcome."

Also add in invitations to meet your family somewhere between you and them. Research the drive and see what's en route you might not know about. If they're not that far, can you do day trips where you all meet, stay for late morning through early dinner time and then go your own ways? Mix up the visits so they aren't always overnights, if your kids' ages permit longish day trips.

DH also needs to realize that as your kids get older the stakes in school get higher, and weeknight visits just do not work at all once kids are having a ton of homework and projects, tests that really do matter, and committed activities. That will force this talk with his parents. Better for him to have it sooner. It can be done as the response next time they invite themselves, rather than a lecture from him. But it is HIS to manage. If he just will not, discuss with him your doing it but be sure he is on board.

Was he raised this way, OP? Does he not see any issue? Some people raised like this will say "But family just comes, that's how it works, we're not formal, you're hurtful, etc." if he's like that you may need to talk to him about why YOU need a different pattern. (I'm with you, BTW!)

OP here - thank you so much, this is very helpful.

I'm not sure what his interactions were like growing up - both sets of his grandparents had passed away by the time I met him, and his parents have small extended families that I don't think they see very much.

[Anonymous]

I was all ready to defend you, but truthfully I would expect grandparents to want to visit on their child's birthday. It's up to me to pipe up and say: "Larla has an audition/try-out that week, and we're keeping her actual birthday low-key, and not seeing anyone that week. We can schedule a visit for the week after." Keep subtly hinting that you want them to ask first, and don't be afraid to say no politely.

[Anonymous]

It's mildly annoying but just arrange a family birthday party with them at a time and location of your choosing. I like 13:42's response.

[Anonymous]

Weird. My parents and my in laws visit for every one of their grand childrens' birthdays. I've never heard of this, thinking grandparents shouldn't visit the grand kids on their birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird. My parents and my in laws visit for every one of their grand childrens' birthdays. I've never heard of this, thinking grandparents shouldn't visit the grand kids on their birthdays.

NP- we live away from both sides, and the sides live on opposite sides of the country. There’s no way we can accommodate both sets in our house at the same time, there simply aren’t enough beds and one child’s birthday is over Christmas. We have siblings, so we can’t claim both sides for every Christmas just because our kid happens to have a birthday then.

So yea, I think both sides shouldn’t visit for every birthday every year in our situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, my in-laws would invite themselves into town. I once missed a lot of a close friend’s wedding weekend celebrations because they were here. We would never celebrate DH’s birthday the way we wanted because they would be here. They came when my stepfather was dying and offered him unsolicited medical advice. DH didn’t love it, but he had a hard time saying no; these boundaries were new. I finally let myself cry out of frustration. I just let my raw emotions about the whole situation show. I told him that his choices affected more than him. When he wasn’t comfortable saying no, I absented myself from family events. He and his family could have dinner, but I would hold my boundary by keeping whatever plans I had already made. Then we stopped seeing them entirely if they made a visit into town without our consent. Our relationship with his parents is a little frosty, but I don’t particularly want to be chummy with people who want to force me into anything I don’t want to do. (I suspect my in-laws of personality disorders, so your mileage may vary with these strategies.)

[Anonymous]

No one tells me when they will stay in my home. If they said something like that to me, I’d say, “Brad and I will look at our calendars to discuss your next visit, and he’ll be in touch to get on the same page about dates.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my in-laws would invite themselves into town. I once missed a lot of a close friend’s wedding weekend celebrations because they were here. We would never celebrate DH’s birthday the way we wanted because they would be here. They came when my stepfather was dying and offered him unsolicited medical advice. DH didn’t love it, but he had a hard time saying no; these boundaries were new. I finally let myself cry out of frustration. I just let my raw emotions about the whole situation show. I told him that his choices affected more than him. When he wasn’t comfortable saying no, I absented myself from family events. He and his family could have dinner, but I would hold my boundary by keeping whatever plans I had already made. Then we stopped seeing them entirely if they made a visit into town without our consent. Our relationship with his parents is a little frosty, but I don’t particularly want to be chummy with people who want to force me into anything I don’t want to do. (I suspect my in-laws of personality disorders, so your mileage may vary with these strategies.)

Wow, drama queen. All you ever had to do was speak up and stand up for yourself once. You missed friends weddings because YOU didn’t pack a bag and walk out of the house. Don’t blame anyone else for your choice to be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my in-laws would invite themselves into town. I once missed a lot of a close friend’s wedding weekend celebrations because they were here. We would never celebrate DH’s birthday the way we wanted because they would be here. They came when my stepfather was dying and offered him unsolicited medical advice. DH didn’t love it, but he had a hard time saying no; these boundaries were new. I finally let myself cry out of frustration. I just let my raw emotions about the whole situation show. I told him that his choices affected more than him. When he wasn’t comfortable saying no, I absented myself from family events. He and his family could have dinner, but I would hold my boundary by keeping whatever plans I had already made. Then we stopped seeing them entirely if they made a visit into town without our consent. Our relationship with his parents is a little frosty, but I don’t particularly want to be chummy with people who want to force me into anything I don’t want to do. (I suspect my in-laws of personality disorders, so your mileage may vary with these strategies.)

Wow, drama queen. All you ever had to do was speak up and stand up for yourself once. You missed friends weddings because YOU didn’t pack a bag and walk out of the house. Don’t blame anyone else for your choice to be a doormat.

PP, you misunderstood. I missed part of one friend’s wedding weekend (a friend’s, not friends’). I attended the ceremony and reception, which were in my city, but I skipped a cocktail hour and brunch in order to see the IL’s. I thought I could appease everyone, but I underestimated how disappointed I’d feel afterwards.

One of the reasons I comment on the family board is because I was in my late 30’s before I learned to self advocate appropriately, as opposed to being a “doormat” or reverting to passive aggression. What might come naturally to you, doesn’t always come naturally to families where guilt and manipulation are the norm. To say “no” to my in-laws is great in theory, but it can result in the silent treatment, them badmouthing us to extended family, or badgering us in an effort to get a different answer. When you’ve been raised that way your entire life, as my husband and I were, it’s like a cult indoctrination. Even though you see other people doing things in healthier ways, guilt, obligation, and even fear are all you know. So when I see an OP who feels obligated to do something he or she doesn’t feel like doing, I like to offer gentle encouragement on the outside chance that the OP, like me, honestly hasn’t considered there’s another way.

Fortunately, I’ve done my work on myself, and I’m not too upset that a stranger thinks I’m a drama queen and a doormat ¯\_(?)_/¯. But if you’re going to give advice on the Internet, you might want to read more closely and have more empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my in-laws would invite themselves into town. I once missed a lot of a close friend’s wedding weekend celebrations because they were here. We would never celebrate DH’s birthday the way we wanted because they would be here. They came when my stepfather was dying and offered him unsolicited medical advice. DH didn’t love it, but he had a hard time saying no; these boundaries were new. I finally let myself cry out of frustration. I just let my raw emotions about the whole situation show. I told him that his choices affected more than him. When he wasn’t comfortable saying no, I absented myself from family events. He and his family could have dinner, but I would hold my boundary by keeping whatever plans I had already made. Then we stopped seeing them entirely if they made a visit into town without our consent. Our relationship with his parents is a little frosty, but I don’t particularly want to be chummy with people who want to force me into anything I don’t want to do. (I suspect my in-laws of personality disorders, so your mileage may vary with these strategies.)

Wow, drama queen. All you ever had to do was speak up and stand up for yourself once. You missed friends weddings because YOU didn’t pack a bag and walk out of the house. Don’t blame anyone else for your choice to be a doormat.

PP, you misunderstood. I missed part of one friend’s wedding weekend (a friend’s, not friends’). I attended the ceremony and reception, which were in my city, but I skipped a cocktail hour and brunch in order to see the IL’s. I thought I could appease everyone, but I underestimated how disappointed I’d feel afterwards.

One of the reasons I comment on the family board is because I was in my late 30’s before I learned to self advocate appropriately, as opposed to being a “doormat” or reverting to passive aggression. What might come naturally to you, doesn’t always come naturally to families where guilt and manipulation are the norm. To say “no” to my in-laws is great in theory, but it can result in the silent treatment, them badmouthing us to extended family, or badgering us in an effort to get a different answer. When you’ve been raised that way your entire life, as my husband and I were, it’s like a cult indoctrination. Even though you see other people doing things in healthier ways, guilt, obligation, and even fear are all you know. So when I see an OP who feels obligated to do something he or she doesn’t feel like doing, I like to offer gentle encouragement on the outside chance that the OP, like me, honestly hasn’t considered there’s another way.

Fortunately, I’ve done my work on myself, and I’m not too upset that a stranger thinks I’m a drama queen and a doormat ¯\_(?)_/¯. But if you’re going to give advice on the Internet, you might want to read more closely and have more empathy.

Thank you for this. I’ve put my foot down with my in laws too. It took a while because I was dealing with health issues and they just expected me to put everything to the side and show up like everything was normal. It took counseling—with my DH—-for him to also stand up. The family had quite an emotional hold on him.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband bothered by this? I'm certain your family does stuff that annoys him. Will your parents be celebrating the birthday?

I cant stand my mother in law but I'm not uptight about visitors. If someone visits and I have plans I keep my plans. Realistically, similar to my parents she is there to see her kid and grandkid and I'm just an extra.