ILs don't ask when they can visit - they tell us when they are going to visit (and other DH issues)

[Anonymous]

I'm a strong believer in dealing with your own parents - so I handle mine and DH handles his. They're nice people, but they are on weird schedules (like they visit during the week because they don't want to miss church on Sundays) and it's disruptive. They just visited over memorial day (which was fine, we said it was ok), but then yesterday in front of the kids they announced they'll be back for DD's birthday in three weeks (caught me and DH by surprise). I like them, but that's really soon, and it's annoying that they assume they can visit whenever they want. It's also annoying because they always want to be here for birthdays and holidays and I want DH to push back a little and that we'd like to have our own family time sometimes - because is it really necessary to have grandparents visit every single birthday?? I get that this is mostly a DH and his boundaries problem -- so how do I push back on HIM? And how do all of it without being a b*?

[Anonymous]

I would assume that grandparents visit for every birthday, yes. Can you put boundaries on the visit? "Thanks for visiting, MIL & FIL. Can you meet us at XYZ restaurant Saturday at 6 for Larla's birthday?"

How far away are they? Does visiting mean spending the night at your house, or just the afternoon?

[Anonymous]

Does your H ever push back? If not, he needs to start taking small steps. After the shock wears off, he needs to pick up the phone and tell them it's not a good time for them to visit in 3 weeks, but be prepared to offer alternative dates. It's going to be a learning process, but it can be done.

[Anonymous]

I see your frustration. My inlaws work on the weekends and want us to visit them during the week (what?! We work!)

How far away are your inlaws? Are they just coming for a day trip? I think most grandparents do visit for every single birthday. I'm annoyed at that too, but I think it normal. I wish ours would just come for the family party and not the kid birthday party. The kid birthday party is hectic enough without someone sitting in the corner wanting me to bring all attendees to them and being introduced to everyone.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, OP. You sound a little uptight. You say you like them, but don't want to see them three weeks from now for your kid's birthday? That's too much?

I'm not sure that there's a scenario here where you don't come off like a B*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume that grandparents visit for every birthday, yes. Can you put boundaries on the visit? "Thanks for visiting, MIL & FIL. Can you meet us at XYZ restaurant Saturday at 6 for Larla's birthday?"

How far away are they? Does visiting mean spending the night at your house, or just the afternoon?

OP here - close driving distance, but yes, visiting means spending the night in our home. I would have NO problem if they were local and wanted to come over for a b-day, but having visitors is disruptive. We have a very small home, and having visitors means we're unable to use 1/3 of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP. You sound a little uptight. You say you like them, but don't want to see them three weeks from now for your kid's birthday? That's too much?

I'm not sure that there's a scenario here where you don't come off like a B*.

Really? You'd be ok with people staying with you every three weeks?

[Anonymous]

I think amongst parents and kids you don't ask when you can visit and most people don't invite others. Don't you call up your parents and say you want to visit for Easter or Thanksgiving? I don't think I've ever been invited to my parents or inlaw's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP. You sound a little uptight. You say you like them, but don't want to see them three weeks from now for your kid's birthday? That's too much?

I'm not sure that there's a scenario here where you don't come off like a B*.

Really? You'd be ok with people staying with you every three weeks?

We have a lots of out of town family and usually have someone visiting for a few nights about once per month. We set the expectation that if they're here during the week, that we're not going to actively entertain them by sight seeing, and they're on their own except for dinner. The kids love having guests.

[Anonymous]

Another I have terrible in law threads. You women are incredible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would assume that grandparents visit for every birthday, yes. Can you put boundaries on the visit? "Thanks for visiting, MIL & FIL. Can you meet us at XYZ restaurant Saturday at 6 for Larla's birthday?"

How far away are they? Does visiting mean spending the night at your house, or just the afternoon?

OP here - close driving distance, but yes, visiting means spending the night in our home. I would have NO problem if they were local and wanted to come over for a b-day, but having visitors is disruptive. We have a very small home, and having visitors means we're unable to use 1/3 of it.

You're in control of who stays in your house. Just tell them "that won't work for us."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, OP. You sound a little uptight. You say you like them, but don't want to see them three weeks from now for your kid's birthday? That's too much?

I'm not sure that there's a scenario here where you don't come off like a B*.

Really? You'd be ok with people staying with you every three weeks?

This isn’t “staying every three weeks”. It’s one set of visits that are three weeks apart, not a regular schedule. I don’t think the IL’s are that out of line. A birthday visit seems pretty reasonable. NP here, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think amongst parents and kids you don't ask when you can visit and most people don't invite others. Don't you call up your parents and say you want to visit for Easter or Thanksgiving? I don't think I've ever been invited to my parents or inlaw's house.

As a single person, I would ask if my parents would be around when I wanted to come. But it would be normal for me to stay there even if they were out-of-town.

But when spouses and kids become involved, it’s different. My parents would want to have time available if I were bringing my kids to their house.

Meanwhile, it is different for parents to show up at a kid+spouse’s home vs. a kid going to his parents’ (and his own childhood) home.

The sense of entitlement and the total lack of a boundary that the OP’s in-laws have would drive me nuts. Announcing a visit in front of the children without first confirming the plan with us would bother me more than any inconvenience of actually having guests.

[Anonymous]

I guess get on the same page with your husband about how many times you want them to visit a year and have him talk to them about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think amongst parents and kids you don't ask when you can visit and most people don't invite others. Don't you call up your parents and say you want to visit for Easter or Thanksgiving? I don't think I've ever been invited to my parents or inlaw's house.

OP here - I didn't say anything about invitations. I would never tell my (or DH's) family "We're visiting for July 4th". I would ask if they're available or if it's a good time for a visit. In this particular scenario, I'd expect them to say "we were thinking about visiting for Larla's birthday next month, does that work for you?"

I guess I prefer different boundaries than most people here.