Reply to ILs don't ask when they can visit - they tell us when they are going to visit (and other DH issues)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would assume that grandparents visit for every birthday, yes.  Can you put boundaries on the visit?  "Thanks for visiting, MIL & FIL.  Can you meet us at XYZ restaurant Saturday at 6 for Larla's birthday?"

How far away are they?  Does visiting mean spending the night at your house, or just the afternoon?[/quote]

OP here - close driving distance, but yes, visiting means spending the night in our home.  I would have NO problem if they were local and wanted to come over for a b-day, but having visitors is disruptive. We have a very small home, and having visitors means we're unable to use 1/3 of it.[/quote]

You're in control of who stays in your house. Just tell them "that won't work for us."[/quote]

But it's the DH -- not OP -- who needs to say this!

OP, both you and DH have let it go on to the point they now will be shocked when he says this, because they have developed the assumption that the current types of visits are just fine. After all, no one ever said anything.

DH is the key. When kids are not around (in fact I'd do this away from home when a sitter is with the kids, so zero interruptions), you need to have a talk with him. Do not wing it. Write down a script, let it get cold, go back and cut out anything that later seems accusatory or petty. Be sure you emphasize how much you do like his parents. Play up the idea of your family of you/DH/kids needs time to be together.

Have this discussion only when you have a list of specific ideas to give him. "I'd like them to visit less" is a no-go; instead, try, "Can we come up with specific dates so we're not surprised like we were when they announced they were coming back in three weeks? For instance, OK, they come then, but I'd like just us to have the weekends in June to ourselves for [day trip to apple farm, weekend at beach, a household project etc.]. Then we can tell them to come for the weekend of July X. " In other words schedule them. Don't pull a "we'll see you whenever"--give them specific dates well in advance and add that you have plans other dates But you have to get DH on board. When they say, we're coming on day Y, DH must say immediately and with a big smile: "Thst won't work for us--we're busy. But remember, we already talked about your coming on date Z. We'll see you then!" No discussion! Straight up cheery "that doesn't work but this other date does and you already know that." They cannot then say they "never see the kids" or "don't feel welcome."

Also add in invitations to meet your family somewhere between you and them. Research the drive and see what's en route you might not know about. If they're not that far, can you do day trips where you all meet, stay for late morning through early dinner time and then go your own ways? Mix up the visits so they aren't always overnights, if your kids' ages permit longish day trips.

DH also needs to realize that as your kids get older the stakes in school get higher, and weeknight visits just do not work at all once kids are having a ton of homework and projects, tests that really do matter, and committed activities. That will force this talk with his parents. Better for him to have it sooner. It can be done as the response next time they invite themselves, rather than a lecture from him. But it is HIS to manage. If he just will not, discuss with him your doing it but be sure he is on board.

Was he raised this way, OP? Does he not see any issue? Some people raised like this will say "But family just comes, that's how it works, we're not formal, you're hurtful, etc." if he's like that you may need to talk to him about why YOU need a different pattern. (I'm with you, BTW!)[/quote]

OP here - thank you so much, this is very helpful.

I'm not sure what his interactions were like growing up - both sets of his grandparents had passed away by the time I met him, and his parents have small extended families that I don't think they see very much. [/quote]

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