Reply to ILs don't ask when they can visit - they tell us when they are going to visit (and other DH issues)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, my in-laws would invite themselves into town. I once missed a lot of a close friend’s wedding weekend celebrations because they were here. We would never celebrate DH’s birthday the way we wanted because they would be here. They came when my stepfather was dying and offered him unsolicited medical advice. DH didn’t love it, but he had a hard time saying no; these boundaries were new. I finally let myself cry out of frustration. I just let my raw emotions about the whole situation show. I told him that his choices affected more than him. When he wasn’t comfortable saying no, I absented myself from family events. He and his family could have dinner, but I would hold my boundary by keeping whatever plans I had already made. Then we stopped seeing them entirely if they made a visit into town without our consent. Our relationship with his parents is a little frosty, but I don’t particularly want to be chummy with people who want to force me into anything I don’t want to do. (I suspect my in-laws of personality disorders, so your mileage may vary with these strategies.)[/quote]

Wow, drama queen. All you ever had to do was speak up and stand up for yourself once. You missed friends weddings because YOU didn’t pack a bag and walk out of the house. Don’t blame anyone else for your choice to be a doormat.[/quote]

PP, you misunderstood. I missed part of one friend’s wedding weekend (a friend’s, not friends’). I attended the ceremony and reception, which were in my city, but I skipped a cocktail hour and brunch in order to see the IL’s. I thought I could appease everyone, but I underestimated how disappointed I’d feel afterwards.

One of the reasons I comment on the family board is because I was in my late 30’s before I learned to self advocate appropriately, as opposed to being a “doormat” or reverting to passive aggression. What might come naturally to you, doesn’t always come naturally to families where guilt and manipulation are the norm. To say “no” to my in-laws is great in theory, but it can result in the silent treatment, them badmouthing us to extended family, or badgering us in an effort to get a different answer. When you’ve been raised that way your entire life, as my husband and I were, it’s like a cult indoctrination. Even though you see other people doing things in healthier ways, guilt, obligation, and even fear are all you know. So when I see an OP who feels obligated to do something he or she doesn’t feel like doing, I like to offer gentle encouragement on the outside chance that the OP, like me, honestly hasn’t considered there’s another way.

Fortunately, I’ve done my work on myself, and I’m not too upset that a stranger thinks I’m a drama queen and a doormat ¯\_(?)_/¯. But if you’re going to give advice on the Internet, you might want to read more closely and have more empathy.[/quote]

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