My son thinks he is emotionally abused

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t understand what emotional abuse is.

Seriously. It minimizes real abuse when any situation a kid doesn’t like can be classified as abuse. It’s not helping anyone, let alone the kid.

Give him words for what he’s feeling. Frustration, anger, unfairness, etc. Help him verbalize what he doesn’t like about his family dynamic. You can also come up with actions you can take to improve the dynamic. However, it’s ridiculous to validate that “he’s emotionally abused” because he misunderstood what that means.

[Anonymous]

Golly, this seems intense.

Good for you for stopping to figure out what to do now.

It does seem like you need to find a way to communicate with him without yelling as it just doesn't work for him.

He might also need some kind of play therapy for his anxiety. Or something?

But yes, also explain to him in more detail what emotional abuse is, because if you're reacting so strongly to his reaction, you're probably sensitive enough that you're not emotionally abusing him. He needs to understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But, yes it is common that the older child gets punished wrongly bcs of younger siblings. Why are you yelling at your kid anyway?

I really don’t think I yell more than any other mom.

We do often give in to toddler but not always. When we see DS running away with TODDLER’s toy, we tell DS to give toy back. We tell both older boys to share with toddler.

It seems you're very dismissive of what he's telling you. "I yelled because I told him multiple times". "I yelled no more than other moms". "his point about his sister is invalid". Instead of having this need to be "I'm right, hes wrong" try to see it from his perspective. Try to accept that maybe you aren't handling everything thr best you can and that's why he feels you and his dad emotionally abuse him. Even if you think his feelings are invalid, he doesn't. And that's all that matters and thats also you should be focusing on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t understand what emotional abuse is.

Seriously. It minimizes real abuse when any situation a kid doesn’t like can be classified as abuse. It’s not helping anyone, let alone the kid.

Give him words for what he’s feeling. Frustration, anger, unfairness, etc. Help him verbalize what he doesn’t like about his family dynamic. You can also come up with actions you can take to improve the dynamic. However, it’s ridiculous to validate that “he’s emotionally abused” because he misunderstood what that means.

My mom was borderline emotionally abusive. Op does set off some red flags that she might be too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encourage him to think about the difference between abuse and incidents that make people upset.

Op here. I absolutely plan to talk about this further with him.

This morning, he was not dressed and it was time to leave for bus stop. I did yell to hurry after 5 minutes of asking nicely. He was upstairs for a long time not coming downstairs.

He is a very social kid. Has lots of friends. He is the social butterfly in our family.

I was truly shocked he feels he is emotionally abused.

Set a timer and stop yelling.

[Anonymous]

Is DS in the 8-11 year old age group? My 10 year old DS is ridiculously oversensitive, quick to take offense, thinks things are about him when they aren’t and tells us we are “yelling” at him when we are just telling him what we do/don’t want him to do in an average voice. I think it is hormones and preadolescence and am looking forward to this phase ending!

And is this what BSA think is going to fix all the years of troop leaders gone amok? Thanks a lot, BSA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t understand what emotional abuse is.

Seriously. It minimizes real abuse when any situation a kid doesn’t like can be classified as abuse. It’s not helping anyone, let alone the kid.

Give him words for what he’s feeling. Frustration, anger, unfairness, etc. Help him verbalize what he doesn’t like about his family dynamic. You can also come up with actions you can take to improve the dynamic. However, it’s ridiculous to validate that “he’s emotionally abused” because he misunderstood what that means.

My mom was borderline emotionally abusive. Op does set off some red flags that she might be too.

Agree with the first pp and disagree completely with second. OP is not setting off any red flags for me.

[Anonymous]

This is what happens when the bar for abuse has been lowered as far as it can possibly go. Everything that is not smiles and roses is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Read about middle children. They have issues. Nothing horrible but it’s a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t understand what emotional abuse is.

Seriously. It minimizes real abuse when any situation a kid doesn’t like can be classified as abuse. It’s not helping anyone, let alone the kid.

Give him words for what he’s feeling. Frustration, anger, unfairness, etc. Help him verbalize what he doesn’t like about his family dynamic. You can also come up with actions you can take to improve the dynamic. However, it’s ridiculous to validate that “he’s emotionally abused” because he misunderstood what that means.

My mom was borderline emotionally abusive. Op does set off some red flags that she might be too.

Different poster and same.

The fact that she admits to yelling at her kid regularly but doesn’t think it’s an issue, the fact that she is jumping to “he’s being oversensitive.” Definitely some red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is being very sensitive and he has to toughen up.

I think both of these can be accurate...AND neither matter all that much if he has in his mind that how he has been treated is "emotionally abusive" b/c that just means you need to do a better job of communicating to your kid. Some of how he is feeling is on you, OP.

As another poster said, it may be time to ask yourself if your tactics are actually helpful. The yelling, for example...Maybe examine why this happens. Is this your first/only tactic of addressing his behavior when he veers off path? Or is it after 2-3 calm attempts with no response that you find yourself resorting to yelling as your only means of getting through to him? If the latter is the case, you might explain to him "Larlo...I hear you saying you feel that when we yell at you, it's abusive. We don't want you to feel that way. And, truly, we would actually prefer to take corrective action without escalating to yelling. Particularly when I've asked you to turn off the video game 3 times and get ready for bed, what do you think we can both do to help in those situations before it reaches such a high point of frustration?" Then LISTEN to his response.

I think the main thing here is to listen to what he's saying, reassure him that you don't want to create a relationship where he feels he is enduring emotional abuse, and then clearly communicate to him in a way that helps him connect HIS ACTIONS with what happens to him. (This is, of course, assuming that you are NOT emotionally abusive, but that maybe he just doesn't see his part in this whole dance. Sometimes kids feel like "they're just picking on me" because they have somehow failed to connect their own actions to consequence. As a parent, you need to help him see that. But also, be willing to step back and look at the family dynamics from his perspective and acknowledge if what he's saying holds some truth. If it does, commit to being more mindful of follow-through when the little one oversteps just as you do with your DS.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But, yes it is common that the older child gets punished wrongly bcs of younger siblings. Why are you yelling at your kid anyway?

I really don’t think I yell more than any other mom.

We do often give in to toddler but not always. When we see DS running away with TODDLER’s toy, we tell DS to give toy back. We tell both older boys to share with toddler.

That may be true but your son may be more sensitive to yelling than most kids. He sounds like he’s feeling blue and may also just be temperamentally sensitive. Keep in mind that you “raise the kid you’ve got” rather than done idea of how an average kid would be. Try time ins with him, read about positive parenting, keep an eye on your own mood and irritability. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is DS in the 8-11 year old age group? My 10 year old DS is ridiculously oversensitive, quick to take offense, thinks things are about him when they aren’t and tells us we are “yelling” at him when we are just telling him what we do/don’t want him to do in an average voice. I think it is hormones and preadolescence and am looking forward to this phase ending!

And is this what BSA think is going to fix all the years of troop leaders gone amok? Thanks a lot, BSA.

DS is 8. He is big on fairness and equality. At school, he thinks his teacher and school favors girls. He talks about this almost daily how girls got boys in trouble. At home, he feels his share of chores is greater than his brother. I don’t ask these kids to help much around the house. We are talking clear the table (2-3x per week) or move wet clothes from the washer to dryer. DS feels he is asked more than his brother.

[Anonymous]

There's no reason to yell at a kid who is going to slow. Natural consequences are available--he goes out to the bus in pajamas, or he walks to school.

More important, what are you yelling when you yell at him. "HURRY UP, I CAN'T DRIVE YOU TODAY" or "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SLOWPOKE? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL"?

He does need to understand that abuse is about power. A 2 year old has no power over him (except the power you give her); she's not "abusing" him. But his overall feeling may be reasonable, depending on what you're saying and how often you're saying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t understand what emotional abuse is.

Seriously. It minimizes real abuse when any situation a kid doesn’t like can be classified as abuse. It’s not helping anyone, let alone the kid.

Give him words for what he’s feeling. Frustration, anger, unfairness, etc. Help him verbalize what he doesn’t like about his family dynamic. You can also come up with actions you can take to improve the dynamic. However, it’s ridiculous to validate that “he’s emotionally abused” because he misunderstood what that means.

My mom was borderline emotionally abusive. Op does set off some red flags that she might be too.

Different poster and same.

The fact that she admits to yelling at her kid regularly but doesn’t think it’s an issue, the fact that she is jumping to “he’s being oversensitive.” Definitely some red flags.

+1

Regular yelling at your kids is not normal or healthy.