ExH Introduced New GF of a Few Weeks to DD; how to proceed?

[Anonymous]

The downside of divorcing your husband is you can’t control him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't answer this, but think about it: how much of your reaction has to do with the fact your ex-husband is dating? (Zero is not credible.)

As I wrote in the OP, my ex has been dating since we separated. This is not new. I am also dating; I see my boyfriend when my DD is with her dad or I get a sitter.

I don’t understand the hostility. There are countless posts here about not introducing kids to new partners right away. Read any article about dating as a parent and you’ll see this advice. It’s not like I came to this conclusion on my own.

Right, that’s a good approach for you to take. But he’s your ex, and you don’t get to control that decision for him.

[Anonymous]

We had a clause in our agreement that we had to let each other know when introducing DD to a GF/BF. But no timeframe specified for how long we had to be dating the other person. Also had something in there about not having overnights when DD was in the house for the first 6 months or something. So there was never any discussion as it was just set in stone.

If you don't have anything like that, unfortunately, I don't think this is something that you can control. I would let it be and just focus on creating a good environment with your child at your home.

[Anonymous]

If he rotated a bunch of women through your daughters life your only option is to talk honestly about it to DD and get her counseling as a teen.

Also .. if you want to play hard ball post a picture of your 4 yr cosleeping you and your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't answer this, but think about it: how much of your reaction has to do with the fact your ex-husband is dating? (Zero is not credible.)

As I wrote in the OP, my ex has been dating since we separated. This is not new. I am also dating; I see my boyfriend when my DD is with her dad or I get a sitter.

I don’t understand the hostility. There are countless posts here about not introducing kids to new partners right away. Read any article about dating as a parent and you’ll see this advice. It’s not like I came to this conclusion on my own.

Right, that’s a good approach for you to take. But he’s your ex, and you don’t get to control that decision for him.

That is a fair point. I guess I’m also frustrated because, in addition to what seems like an objectively bad decision, it feels like a breakdown in our ability to coparent. We had agreed on the 6 month rule, and he totally disregarded it at the first opportunity. But I do take your point that I can’t make the decision for him. Thanks for the perspective.

[Anonymous]

We have a no paramours clause, but it has proven unenforceable. My ex violated it within 6 months of our divorce and then regularly there after. Then he was a hypocrite when my then-fiancé moved in with us 2 months before the wedding after four years of dating. By then, my ex had lived with three different women, including one still legally married to another man.

[Anonymous]

Wow you are really a control freak.

Your jealousy at your ex dating someone else leads to you refusing him his visitation time. You are damaging your daughter's relationship over your own petty feelings.

You can't micromanage his every move or his every decision. You have been divorced for two years.

He sounds like a doormat who is letting you walk all over him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't answer this, but think about it: how much of your reaction has to do with the fact your ex-husband is dating? (Zero is not credible.)

As I wrote in the OP, my ex has been dating since we separated. This is not new. I am also dating; I see my boyfriend when my DD is with her dad or I get a sitter.

I don’t understand the hostility. There are countless posts here about not introducing kids to new partners right away. Read any article about dating as a parent and you’ll see this advice. It’s not like I came to this conclusion on my own.

Because you are hurting your child's relationship with her father. So, you really think its better to hire a stranger/babysitter to watch your kid so you can be with your boyfriend? You see your boyfriend during Dad's time and don't dump her on a stranger. Its equally as bad.

My kid goes to bed at 7:30. I see nothing wrong with hiring a babysitter to sit with a sleeping child while I’m out of the house. Aside from that, I think all parents, married or single, are entitled to occasional breaks from parenting. If that means hiring a babysitter, fine by me. I’m not going to shame some stranger on the internet for that choice.

Isn't your break from parenting when they are with their dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't answer this, but think about it: how much of your reaction has to do with the fact your ex-husband is dating? (Zero is not credible.)

As I wrote in the OP, my ex has been dating since we separated. This is not new. I am also dating; I see my boyfriend when my DD is with her dad or I get a sitter.

I don’t understand the hostility. There are countless posts here about not introducing kids to new partners right away. Read any article about dating as a parent and you’ll see this advice. It’s not like I came to this conclusion on my own.

Right, that’s a good approach for you to take. But he’s your ex, and you don’t get to control that decision for him.

That is a fair point. I guess I’m also frustrated because, in addition to what seems like an objectively bad decision, it feels like a breakdown in our ability to coparent. We had agreed on the 6 month rule, and he totally disregarded it at the first opportunity. But I do take your point that I can’t make the decision for him. Thanks for the perspective.

It's certainly a couple of steps further away from his relationship with you, including your ability to influence him, and I'd guess that's what you're reacting to. As PP's have noted, you ceded control when you divorced. That's maybe the hardest thing about being a divorced parent.

[Anonymous]

How about if he had a platonic female friend with a kid and they wanted to do the same activities, like go to the park or attend a birthday party?

I think it would be fine to ask for him and GF to limit PDA around your daughter so she doesn't feel uncomfortable, but otherwise you are being a control freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't answer this, but think about it: how much of your reaction has to do with the fact your ex-husband is dating? (Zero is not credible.)

As I wrote in the OP, my ex has been dating since we separated. This is not new. I am also dating; I see my boyfriend when my DD is with her dad or I get a sitter.

I don’t understand the hostility. There are countless posts here about not introducing kids to new partners right away. Read any article about dating as a parent and you’ll see this advice. It’s not like I came to this conclusion on my own.

OP, you're okay to feel how you feel, but you cannot and should not allow shortened visitation based on this. Like another PP said, you can express your displeasure (if you really must), and let them do them. You are preventing your child from spending time with her dad because you don't want her around the girlfriend. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I have a big circle of friends, including some guys. My daughter has occasionally met someone I was dating in a casual context, but she's also met probably 20+ of my guy friends in a similar setting. So when I introduce someone as a friend - girl or guy - she doesn't really put too much emphasis on it. She'll occasionally ask about someone, but it's just as likely to be one of my female friends as someone she met once who I was dating.

Also, most kids won't remember the people they met at age 4 for very long. They have short attention spans. So I know it's annoying, but given that it's already happened, you may just have to go along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't answer this, but think about it: how much of your reaction has to do with the fact your ex-husband is dating? (Zero is not credible.)

As I wrote in the OP, my ex has been dating since we separated. This is not new. I am also dating; I see my boyfriend when my DD is with her dad or I get a sitter.

I don’t understand the hostility. There are countless posts here about not introducing kids to new partners right away. Read any article about dating as a parent and you’ll see this advice. It’s not like I came to this conclusion on my own.

Because you are hurting your child's relationship with her father. So, you really think its better to hire a stranger/babysitter to watch your kid so you can be with your boyfriend? You see your boyfriend during Dad's time and don't dump her on a stranger. Its equally as bad.

My kid goes to bed at 7:30. I see nothing wrong with hiring a babysitter to sit with a sleeping child while I’m out of the house. Aside from that, I think all parents, married or single, are entitled to occasional breaks from parenting. If that means hiring a babysitter, fine by me. I’m not going to shame some stranger on the internet for that choice.

This, give child to dad. Better than being with a paid stranger. You make no sense that it is ok to pay a stranger but cannot meet a friend of dads. You are being controlling. Move on.


Isn't your break from parenting when they are with their dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about if he had a platonic female friend with a kid and they wanted to do the same activities, like go to the park or attend a birthday party?

I think it would be fine to ask for him and GF to limit PDA around your daughter so she doesn't feel uncomfortable, but otherwise you are being a control freak.

+1

To the four-year-old, this isn't meaningfully different from any other playdate or birthday party. As long as he's watching the PDA and not making the kid call her "mom" or something, I wouldn't sweat this. Yes, it would be preferable to wait until this relationship was a little more established, but he's not, and you can't control him.

[Anonymous]

You're just being mean and jealous. You're miserable and you are making your child miserable. Shame on you!