Gay tween: what's ahead socially?

[Anonymous]

If my 4th grade son had come home talking about sexual orientation, my first concern would be to find out why such things are on the mind of a preadolescent at all, and whether he might have been exploited by someone. Beyond that, identity formation is a long term process and encouraging self-labeling at such a young age seems like a very bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my 4th grade son had come home talking about sexual orientation, my first concern would be to find out why such things are on the mind of a preadolescent at all, and whether he might have been exploited by someone. Beyond that, identity formation is a long term process and encouraging self-labeling at such a young age seems like a very bad idea.

Yes, I think that 4th grade is a very young age to be making such a pronouncement. I would make sure that he gets to do a long of male-bonding activities with his dad. I would also try to find him a supportive group of male friends. Does he like sports? Some of the gay male friends of my DD have been best friends with their moms since preschool.

[Anonymous]

PP again - make sure that Dad is taking an interest in your son's activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses. Most are very reassuring, but it seems like more of you have out daughters. Any sense of whether it's different for boys? I imagine boys in general being less tolerant/open to friendship, though hopefully that isn't the case.

I’m the 7th grader mom. DD’s friend group includes gay and straight cisboys and one transboy. I think because their group is quirky anyway and into the arts, sci-fi, comics and the like, being queer has less impact on the boys than if they were all jocks. That said, I don’t doubt bring out is easier for girls. We really don’t see the “gay or trans is the cool thing” attitude that PP claims. It’s more like it just doesn’t really matter that much to them because it’s just one aspect of their multifaceted identities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my 4th grade son had come home talking about sexual orientation, my first concern would be to find out why such things are on the mind of a preadolescent at all, and whether he might have been exploited by someone. Beyond that, identity formation is a long term process and encouraging self-labeling at such a young age seems like a very bad idea.

My son is in 5th and while he’d be tolerant and see it as NBD, sexual orientation is not on his radar yet, in terms of himself or peers. It does seem early. Is there a book, movie, conversation that prompted him to tell you this? I would wonder. I think you’re doing the right thing to show acceptance and follow his lead.

[Anonymous]

Be careful with a boy. My son has been raised in a completely accepting environment and I've noticed borderline homophobic jokes occuring on his texts as a middle schoolers. I call him out every time. I know he's not a homophobe, but he thinks it's "cool" and apparently this is very common. You'll be fine in 4th grade but middle school might be more challenging. I hope it's not though. Things were smooth sailing for me with a cis girl.

[Anonymous]

OP here. His friends have been talking a lot about crushes and he had some questions about sex so we talked and I gave him some age appropriate books (often recommended on here) on puberty and sex. He told us shortly after. I don't think there's been any exploitation and he's close with DH as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My young tween son recently told us he's gay. He told his friends before us. I have told him that we love him no matter, that it makes no difference to us. But I am nervous for him for middle and high school. What are those years like for openly gay kids? He's always struggled with friendships but has a handful of friends now. This all came as a big surprise to DH and I. He doesn't fit the stereotypes (i.e. this isn't one of those "we always knew" situations) and he hasn't gone through puberty. He's in 4th grade.

Dear God, he's coming out in 4th grade? I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it yet.

This. Maybe he's gay,maybe he isn't, maybe he has one boy crush. Most kids are ok with all this now, so I doubt he will have problems down the road at all.

[Anonymous]

Different experience than some others. My 8th grade DD is lesbian. At her sport, the other girls have been gossiping about her saying she is hitting on them (she’s not, just trying to be friends and part of the group). She has been somewhat ostracized at her small private school. Someone posted a love letter she had written to another girl and everyone laughed at her.

She is really looking forward to her new high school, which is more urban and, we hope, more accepting.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. My youngest came out at 14 in the rural Deep South. I was terrified for him. We of course offered unconditional love and support. I figured with five kids, one would probably be gay so I wasn’t really surprised. It’s just not an issue in our family. To my surprise, he experienced literally no bullying. His friends didn’t have much of a reaction at all.

We live near DC now. He is 17. Still as gay as a tangerine. With the very rare exception, it’s been a non-issue. I know it’s scary when they first come out. Reach out to pflag if you need support. GSA is a great high school club! It will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses. Most are very reassuring, but it seems like more of you have out daughters. Any sense of whether it's different for boys? I imagine boys in general being less tolerant/open to friendship, though hopefully that isn't the case.

DS is in high school and, I believe, has recently started to come out to male friends. He's an athlete, and hung out mostly with other male athletes previously. It seems like over the past couple of months as he's come out to them, most of them have pulled away. Not being mean or bullying, just not inviting him or socializing with him much. He hangs out almost exclusively with girls now. He doesn't talk to us about it, but I think it's pretty difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses. Most are very reassuring, but it seems like more of you have out daughters. Any sense of whether it's different for boys? I imagine boys in general being less tolerant/open to friendship, though hopefully that isn't the case.

DS is in high school and, I believe, has recently started to come out to male friends. He's an athlete, and hung out mostly with other male athletes previously. It seems like over the past couple of months as he's come out to them, most of them have pulled away. Not being mean or bullying, just not inviting him or socializing with him much. He hangs out almost exclusively with girls now. He doesn't talk to us about it, but I think it's pretty difficult.

My gay son hasn’t had that problem. BUT, he isn’t an athlete. He is involved in band and drama. Those kids just tend to be more accepting in general. At least that’s been my experience. My oldest (not gay) was a jock - football, basketball, and track. Those kids could be really unkind. There is a lot of bullying in sports, unfortunately. The same is true with JROTC. I blame coaches and teachers for tolerating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My young tween son recently told us he's gay. He told his friends before us. I have told him that we love him no matter, that it makes no difference to us. But I am nervous for him for middle and high school. What are those years like for openly gay kids? He's always struggled with friendships but has a handful of friends now. This all came as a big surprise to DH and I. He doesn't fit the stereotypes (i.e. this isn't one of those "we always knew" situations) and he hasn't gone through puberty. He's in 4th grade.

Dear God, he's coming out in 4th grade? I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it yet.

THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My young tween son recently told us he's gay. He told his friends before us. I have told him that we love him no matter, that it makes no difference to us. But I am nervous for him for middle and high school. What are those years like for openly gay kids? He's always struggled with friendships but has a handful of friends now. This all came as a big surprise to DH and I. He doesn't fit the stereotypes (i.e. this isn't one of those "we always knew" situations) and he hasn't gone through puberty. He's in 4th grade.

Dear God, he's coming out in 4th grade? I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it yet.

THIS!

Most definitely not! 4th graders don’t understand “coming out”.

/mom of openly gay son

[Anonymous]

Op I’m sorry, but there is no way a 4th grade boy “knows” he’s gay. Do you have any reason to suspect abuse? That would be my first thought and worry.