Gay tween: what's ahead socially?

[Anonymous]

Check out SMYAL -- I volunteered there years ago and it's a terrific resource for gay tweens/teens and their families.

https://smyal.org

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 yo gay son. He says he knew he was gay when he was 11; he was out at 12.

He hasn’t faced any bullying. He’s friends with boys and girls. He’s never been into sports, but he’s friendly (but not close) with some sporty boys. He has a number of friends who identify as LGBTQ+.

Kids, at least in this area (NWDC), seem unfazed by different sexual identities. I assume he’ll face prejudice at some point, but so far he’s had a pretty smooth path.

[Anonymous]

I think a 10 year can know if they're gay or not. Or at least whether they are leaning towards being more fluid. It's an open topic and kids know what it means. I've talked to my 4th grader about homosexuality and the range of attraction one can have between male/female. He's physically a later bloomer and not into girls yet but he's pretty solidly sure he's not gay (I haven't asked, he's just thinking about stuff).

He'd also be fairly chill about it if one of his friends came out as gay. He an athlete and admittedly a bit bro but we we've talked about the possibility and he said it wouldn't affect the friendship but he wouldn't fundamentally be able to understand it. That's fine. He doesn't have to be able to fundamentally understand everything about a person in order to be their friend.

Why I have put so much time and energy into these conversations and making him think things through? Because DH and I are wondering about his brother and we want the whole family on board if necessary.

[Anonymous]

If you think your child can know he or she is straight at age 10, you have to realize they can also know they are gay.

I'm 55. When I was 10 I'd never heard the word lesbian, let alone watched one host a daily TV show. But I knew that I liked girls -- especially certain girls -- and didn't care at all about boys.

Today, the kids have words for what they're feeling. Your son knows he's gay. And he'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My youngest came out at 14 in the rural Deep South. I was terrified for him. We of course offered unconditional love and support. I figured with five kids, one would probably be gay so I wasn’t really surprised. It’s just not an issue in our family. To my surprise, he experienced literally no bullying. His friends didn’t have much of a reaction at all.


We live near DC now. He is 17. Still as gay as a tangerine. With the very rare exception, it’s been a non-issue. I know it’s scary when they first come out. Reach out to pflag if you need support. GSA is a great high school club! It will be fine.

Is there a straight version of this in your community? Ie still straight as an apple? Otherwise I wouldn't say that expression around too many people! Has a slight ick factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My young tween son recently told us he's gay. He told his friends before us. I have told him that we love him no matter, that it makes no difference to us. But I am nervous for him for middle and high school. What are those years like for openly gay kids? He's always struggled with friendships but has a handful of friends now. This all came as a big surprise to DH and I. He doesn't fit the stereotypes (i.e. this isn't one of those "we always knew" situations) and he hasn't gone through puberty. He's in 4th grade.

Dear God, he's coming out in 4th grade? I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it yet.

How old were you when you had your first crush? This is no different. Kids realize these things at a young age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

I agree with you, PP. My biggest concern is that middle schoolers aren't really thinking about whom they want to sleep with, they're thinking about who they find attractive and appealing. For girls, they might also be thinking about who they emotionally connect with. Very few middle school boys are physically attractive or easy for girls to connect with emotionally. Therefore, many middle school girls are declaring themselves gay or bi, to keep their options open. The guys probably get discouraged and retreat to their video games even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

Because it isn't just about sex. Did you go on dates, hold hands, and kiss in middle school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my 4th grade son had come home talking about sexual orientation, my first concern would be to find out why such things are on the mind of a preadolescent at all, and whether he might have been exploited by someone. Beyond that, identity formation is a long term process and encouraging self-labeling at such a young age seems like a very bad idea.

Is that your reaction when elementary school kids talk about opposite-sex crushes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

I agree with you, PP. My biggest concern is that middle schoolers aren't really thinking about whom they want to sleep with, they're thinking about who they find attractive and appealing. For girls, they might also be thinking about who they emotionally connect with. Very few middle school boys are physically attractive or easy for girls to connect with emotionally. Therefore, many middle school girls are declaring themselves gay or bi, to keep their options open. The guys probably get discouraged and retreat to their video games even more.

This wins the weirdest response award.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

It’s because they’re going through puberty that this is exactly the time they start talking/thinking about sexuality. Isn’t that how it was for you in middle school? It certainly was for me. I can still remember the boys I had crushes on. It wasn’t about having sex, but it certainly was physical attraction. And it was definitely the topic of significant conversation among my friends and me.

Today, same-sex attraction is accepted and discussed openly, so kids can name it and discuss it. Why is that bad? Why is that any different than it was when we were kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

You told your 13 year old that you hope she has lots of great sex?

Wow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

I agree with you, PP. My biggest concern is that middle schoolers aren't really thinking about whom they want to sleep with, they're thinking about who they find attractive and appealing. For girls, they might also be thinking about who they emotionally connect with. Very few middle school boys are physically attractive or easy for girls to connect with emotionally. Therefore, many middle school girls are declaring themselves gay or bi, to keep their options open. The guys probably get discouraged and retreat to their video games even more.

I have to agree with this. I am female experimented with girls a lot as a tween and early teen. I believe now, because I have no homosexual feelings whatsoever, that it just that I had strong emotional connections with these girls in an all girls school and experimenting with them was easier than dealing with boys whom I did find attractive but it was just too awkward and I wasn’t about to have intercourse with a boy at 12-16. It never occurred to me that I might be gay even though I knew lesbians. I was very much aware that I was just messing around and that it was fun as were my friends with whom I experimented.
As I grew up and started being asked out by boys the transition seemed natural and I’ve never looked back. I think the labels are a double edged sword. It’s great that genuinely LGBTQ tweens and teens and indeed adults now have an acceptable legitimate category by which they can identify. The risk is the “Pressure” to pick a group with which too identify when sexual feelings are very much in their embryonic stage and not quite developed enough to even know what side they will eventually fall. Had I been a tween now I may have felt I had to decide to be a lesbian when deep down I knew I was not. One only hopes that there is no emotional toll when one strongly identifies as one sexual orientation at a very young age only to find that as they developed fully into puberty they are actually not what they had first felt they had to label themselves.
I am in the camp of 10 being way too young to understand sexual urges and whatever the young man feels now may be an emotional connection that he has decided must mean he is gay. It needn’t and he needn’t label himself yet.
Keep an open loving environment but, if it were my child, I would not dwell too much on it any more than I did when my 9 year old daughter told me that she was in love with a boy in her class and that she was going to marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My youngest came out at 14 in the rural Deep South. I was terrified for him. We of course offered unconditional love and support. I figured with five kids, one would probably be gay so I wasn’t really surprised. It’s just not an issue in our family. To my surprise, he experienced literally no bullying. His friends didn’t have much of a reaction at all.

We live near DC now. He is 17. Still as gay as a tangerine. With the very rare exception, it’s been a non-issue. I know it’s scary when they first come out. Reach out to pflag if you need support. GSA is a great high school club! It will be fine.

Are tangerines gay? Is this even okay to say anymore? Might want to check your language there, Larla.