Gay tween: what's ahead socially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

I agree with you, PP. My biggest concern is that middle schoolers aren't really thinking about whom they want to sleep with, they're thinking about who they find attractive and appealing. For girls, they might also be thinking about who they emotionally connect with. Very few middle school boys are physically attractive or easy for girls to connect with emotionally. Therefore, many middle school girls are declaring themselves gay or bi, to keep their options open. The guys probably get discouraged and retreat to their video games even more.

I have to agree with this. I am female experimented with girls a lot as a tween and early teen. I believe now, because I have no homosexual feelings whatsoever, that it just that I had strong emotional connections with these girls in an all girls school and experimenting with them was easier than dealing with boys whom I did find attractive but it was just too awkward and I wasn’t about to have intercourse with a boy at 12-16. It never occurred to me that I might be gay even though I knew lesbians. I was very much aware that I was just messing around and that it was fun as were my friends with whom I experimented.
As I grew up and started being asked out by boys the transition seemed natural and I’ve never looked back. I think the labels are a double edged sword. It’s great that genuinely LGBTQ tweens and teens and indeed adults now have an acceptable legitimate category by which they can identify. The risk is the “Pressure” to pick a group with which too identify when sexual feelings are very much in their embryonic stage and not quite developed enough to even know what side they will eventually fall. Had I been a tween now I may have felt I had to decide to be a lesbian when deep down I knew I was not. One only hopes that there is no emotional toll when one strongly identifies as one sexual orientation at a very young age only to find that as they developed fully into puberty they are actually not what they had first felt they had to label themselves.
I am in the camp of 10 being way too young to understand sexual urges and whatever the young man feels now may be an emotional connection that he has decided must mean he is gay. It needn’t and he needn’t label himself yet.
Keep an open loving environment but, if it were my child, I would not dwell too much on it any more than I did when my 9 year old daughter told me that she was in love with a boy in her class and that she was going to marry him.

Gotta say I'm a little disturbed that you are going right from "Mom I'm gay" to "OMG don't tell me who you want to have SEX with!!"

You do realize that it's totally normal for 10- and 11-year olds to start having little crushes, right? Kids at this age are just working out in their minds the feelings of confusion and sometimes discomfort when they realize that the crush feelings that they are experiencing is toward classmates of the same sex. OP's kid may have a LONG way to go before anything truly SEXUAL happens...but there is a lot that will happen between that first feeling of puppy love attraction and intercourse. There's flirting, hand holding, kissing, hugging...realizing that when all the other girls are crushing on Justin Bieber, your heart skips a beat when you watch Taylor Swift wink. CRUSHES. But all of it is part of discovering your sexuality and sexual orientation.
Don't you remember chatting about things with your girlfriends like which guy from N'Sync was hotter? Maybe some kids don't want to have to go through this when they realize their answer is "meh...none of the above. I'd rather have a poster of Selena Gomez!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

I agree with you, PP. My biggest concern is that middle schoolers aren't really thinking about whom they want to sleep with, they're thinking about who they find attractive and appealing. For girls, they might also be thinking about who they emotionally connect with. Very few middle school boys are physically attractive or easy for girls to connect with emotionally. Therefore, many middle school girls are declaring themselves gay or bi, to keep their options open. The guys probably get discouraged and retreat to their video games even more.

I have to agree with this. I am female experimented with girls a lot as a tween and early teen. I believe now, because I have no homosexual feelings whatsoever, that it just that I had strong emotional connections with these girls in an all girls school and experimenting with them was easier than dealing with boys whom I did find attractive but it was just too awkward and I wasn’t about to have intercourse with a boy at 12-16. It never occurred to me that I might be gay even though I knew lesbians. I was very much aware that I was just messing around and that it was fun as were my friends with whom I experimented.
As I grew up and started being asked out by boys the transition seemed natural and I’ve never looked back. I think the labels are a double edged sword. It’s great that genuinely LGBTQ tweens and teens and indeed adults now have an acceptable legitimate category by which they can identify. The risk is the “Pressure” to pick a group with which too identify when sexual feelings are very much in their embryonic stage and not quite developed enough to even know what side they will eventually fall. Had I been a tween now I may have felt I had to decide to be a lesbian when deep down I knew I was not. One only hopes that there is no emotional toll when one strongly identifies as one sexual orientation at a very young age only to find that as they developed fully into puberty they are actually not what they had first felt they had to label themselves.
I am in the camp of 10 being way too young to understand sexual urges and whatever the young man feels now may be an emotional connection that he has decided must mean he is gay. It needn’t and he needn’t label himself yet.
Keep an open loving environment but, if it were my child, I would not dwell too much on it any more than I did when my 9 year old daughter told me that she was in love with a boy in her class and that she was going to marry him.

Gotta say I'm a little disturbed that you are going right from "Mom I'm gay" to "OMG don't tell me who you want to have SEX with!!"

You do realize that it's totally normal for 10- and 11-year olds to start having little crushes, right? Kids at this age are just working out in their minds the feelings of confusion and sometimes discomfort when they realize that the crush feelings that they are experiencing is toward classmates of the same sex. OP's kid may have a LONG way to go before anything truly SEXUAL happens...but there is a lot that will happen between that first feeling of puppy love attraction and intercourse. There's flirting, hand holding, kissing, hugging...realizing that when all the other girls are crushing on Justin Bieber, your heart skips a beat when you watch Taylor Swift wink. CRUSHES. But all of it is part of discovering your sexuality and sexual orientation.
Don't you remember chatting about things with your girlfriends like which guy from N'Sync was hotter? Maybe some kids don't want to have to go through this when they realize their answer is "meh...none of the above. I'd rather have a poster of Selena Gomez!"

All I’m saying is that those feelings can be very fluid at that age and prompted by things other than sexual orientation and there is no pressure to pick a label now. But YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Middle school teacher here. More and more of my students have come out as gay or queer and it really is very rarely an issue for them. It’s quite shocking how much attitudes have changed (in a good way). Of course bullying still goes on but it’s not systematic and no worse for gay kids than other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexuality labeling is a HUGE part of my child's 7th grade environment, especially with the girls. I told my child repeatedly that anything anyone was is fine, however, I am failing to understand the importance of identifying who someone wants to sleep with before anyone is sexually active. I am driving home the message that I hope my kid has lots of great sex, but that the only person who needs to be in the know about who she wants to sleep with is the person she wants to sleep with! And even she agreed she is not ready for that right now, at 13.

This probably makes me homophobic and I'll get flamed--bring it on. I just don't see why this is a conversation in middle school at all. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with! Be safe, be kind, and have mutual sex. What's the issue? Why does what anyone does behind closed doors need to be announced?

I am completely on board with equal rights for everyone, and I know that in order to get there, we had to talk about it. Now, can't we let our kids go through puberty without having to pick a letter from the alphabet soup?

I agree with you, PP. My biggest concern is that middle schoolers aren't really thinking about whom they want to sleep with, they're thinking about who they find attractive and appealing. For girls, they might also be thinking about who they emotionally connect with. Very few middle school boys are physically attractive or easy for girls to connect with emotionally. Therefore, many middle school girls are declaring themselves gay or bi, to keep their options open. The guys probably get discouraged and retreat to their video games even more.

I have to agree with this. I am female experimented with girls a lot as a tween and early teen. I believe now, because I have no homosexual feelings whatsoever, that it just that I had strong emotional connections with these girls in an all girls school and experimenting with them was easier than dealing with boys whom I did find attractive but it was just too awkward and I wasn’t about to have intercourse with a boy at 12-16. It never occurred to me that I might be gay even though I knew lesbians. I was very much aware that I was just messing around and that it was fun as were my friends with whom I experimented.
As I grew up and started being asked out by boys the transition seemed natural and I’ve never looked back. I think the labels are a double edged sword. It’s great that genuinely LGBTQ tweens and teens and indeed adults now have an acceptable legitimate category by which they can identify. The risk is the “Pressure” to pick a group with which too identify when sexual feelings are very much in their embryonic stage and not quite developed enough to even know what side they will eventually fall. Had I been a tween now I may have felt I had to decide to be a lesbian when deep down I knew I was not. One only hopes that there is no emotional toll when one strongly identifies as one sexual orientation at a very young age only to find that as they developed fully into puberty they are actually not what they had first felt they had to label themselves.
I am in the camp of 10 being way too young to understand sexual urges and whatever the young man feels now may be an emotional connection that he has decided must mean he is gay. It needn’t and he needn’t label himself yet.
Keep an open loving environment but, if it were my child, I would not dwell too much on it any more than I did when my 9 year old daughter told me that she was in love with a boy in her class and that she was going to marry him.

Gotta say I'm a little disturbed that you are going right from "Mom I'm gay" to "OMG don't tell me who you want to have SEX with!!"

You do realize that it's totally normal for 10- and 11-year olds to start having little crushes, right? Kids at this age are just working out in their minds the feelings of confusion and sometimes discomfort when they realize that the crush feelings that they are experiencing is toward classmates of the same sex. OP's kid may have a LONG way to go before anything truly SEXUAL happens...but there is a lot that will happen between that first feeling of puppy love attraction and intercourse. There's flirting, hand holding, kissing, hugging...realizing that when all the other girls are crushing on Justin Bieber, your heart skips a beat when you watch Taylor Swift wink. CRUSHES. But all of it is part of discovering your sexuality and sexual orientation.
Don't you remember chatting about things with your girlfriends like which guy from N'Sync was hotter? Maybe some kids don't want to have to go through this when they realize their answer is "meh...none of the above. I'd rather have a poster of Selena Gomez!"

As a parent, I'm wondering what to do about "late bloomers." For some reason, I didn't have any crushes on pop stars. But, I'm firmly heterosexual. Serious question: can "hero worship" ever be confused for sexual attraction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re in 7th grade now. DD’s friend group is about 1/2 queer and 1/2 straight. Most of the straight kids are strong allies, but a few simply don’t care. It’s a big group of smart, creative, and funny young people from surprisingly diverse backgrounds.

There’s been less “special care” than we thought:

Last year DD decided to return to her regular summer camp “out” rather than attend any of the LGTBQ camps I’d researched.

Earlier this year, there was an incident at school with a single kid slinging homophobic remarks toward many classmates. I encouraged DD to fill out the bullying form, but she said she just wanted to ignore him. After a week or so of not getting the rise he wanted, he did stop.

Where do you live? In the DC area?