Gay tween: what's ahead socially?

[Anonymous]

My young tween son recently told us he's gay. He told his friends before us. I have told him that we love him no matter, that it makes no difference to us. But I am nervous for him for middle and high school. What are those years like for openly gay kids? He's always struggled with friendships but has a handful of friends now. This all came as a big surprise to DH and I. He doesn't fit the stereotypes (i.e. this isn't one of those "we always knew" situations) and he hasn't gone through puberty. He's in 4th grade.

[Anonymous]

We’re in 7th grade now. DD’s friend group is about 1/2 queer and 1/2 straight. Most of the straight kids are strong allies, but a few simply don’t care. It’s a big group of smart, creative, and funny young people from surprisingly diverse backgrounds.

There’s been less “special care” than we thought:

Last year DD decided to return to her regular summer camp “out” rather than attend any of the LGTBQ camps I’d researched.

Earlier this year, there was an incident at school with a single kid slinging homophobic remarks toward many classmates. I encouraged DD to fill out the bullying form, but she said she just wanted to ignore him. After a week or so of not getting the rise he wanted, he did stop.

[Anonymous]

TBH, OP...I'd reiterate that you love him and accept him as he is. But the more we learn about the human brain and sexuality, the more obvious it becomes that most of us fall somewhere along a spectrum of orientation--rather than having an orientation that is 100% gay or 100% straight.
Most people experience an attraction to men more often than women or vice versa...but at 10, it's not super necessary to proclaim this identity as "who you are"...as it could turn out to be a little more fluid than this.
At 10, his orientation could just be based on his comfort level with boys over girls. Or not. Maybe he's solid on it. But the point is that he needs to hear that it's fine. And that you will not hold him accountable for "defining" this permanently if this changes during or after puberty.

[Anonymous]

We are in MCPS. We have t experienced bullying or anything like that. But as my son has gotten older and wanted to connect to the gay community, I feel like it’s a lot of work to find resources. I think he is sort of lonely when it comes to having gay friends and he longs for that connection.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my straight daughter was on the GSA all through middle school. Nobody cared who was gay or bi or queer or trans. They were all much better than me at using the preferred pronouns and names.

[Anonymous]

I think is quite literally no big deal to this generation and that straight kids can sometimes feel like the outliers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My young tween son recently told us he's gay. He told his friends before us. I have told him that we love him no matter, that it makes no difference to us. But I am nervous for him for middle and high school. What are those years like for openly gay kids? He's always struggled with friendships but has a handful of friends now. This all came as a big surprise to DH and I. He doesn't fit the stereotypes (i.e. this isn't one of those "we always knew" situations) and he hasn't gone through puberty. He's in 4th grade.

Dear God, he's coming out in 4th grade? I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, my straight daughter was on the GSA all through middle school. Nobody cared who was gay or bi or queer or trans. They were all much better than me at using the preferred pronouns and names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think is quite literally no big deal to this generation and that straight kids can sometimes feel like the outliers!

This is true. Especially among HS girls. Being just plain old cisgendered heterosexual is seen as square.

[Anonymous]

My DD is a gay senior in high school. She came out about a year ago- no one saw it coming, she was into boys until then. I've asked her several times if anyone has bullied her, somehow made fun of her, etc. and she has said "no, if anyone did that they would catch a ton of crap from others". At her large fcps high school, it is considered uncool to be at all homophobic and non-supportive. I'm pretty sure this isn't the case in many parts of the country, but in this area the kids to be more socially conscious and it's cool to have gay friends, etc. I wouldn't worry too much, just be supportive and keep an eye on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, my straight daughter was on the GSA all through middle school. Nobody cared who was gay or bi or queer or trans. They were all much better than me at using the preferred pronouns and names.

Time marches forward, Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, my straight daughter was on the GSA all through middle school. Nobody cared who was gay or bi or queer or trans. They were all much better than me at using the preferred pronouns and names.

Yeah, respecting people. How annoying.

[Anonymous]

Slightly different take from PPs. My child came out at 12; was bullied for at least a year; told us after the worst of it had happened. Child found new friend group but it took awhile. GSA club was important during that time period, as was counseling & teaching running GSA club (they were super supportive presence at school). Child now in HS, has different set of friends. One of the biggest ramifications is that not many kids have come out yet; possibly more will in later HS/college. So there's not a huge dating pool. Child became less interested in GSA identified activities this past year or 2 at HS. More into particular interests. Well adjusted, happy with friend group. Would not say there is no homophobia like PPs (we are in MCPS) but her friend group is very supportive & HS is far better than MS.

[Anonymous]

12:55 teachER running GSA club not teaching

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the responses. Most are very reassuring, but it seems like more of you have out daughters. Any sense of whether it's different for boys? I imagine boys in general being less tolerant/open to friendship, though hopefully that isn't the case.