The reality of loosing a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They most ring true for me. But #6, I don't know. I lost my mom over a year ago. Loved her dearly but it wasn't until just months before she passed that I came to the realization that she'd been verbally abusive most of my life. Of course there never was a chance of confrontation/resolution.

For me, grieving for her has been a very strange mix of missing her terribly and aching for her, and reliving some of her biting/critical comments, and feeling so disconcerted in the process.

Do you have flaws?

Realizing this type of thing when you have time to process it and accept your parent when they are alive is one thing. My mother died when I was in my early 20s and it took me years to realize how her parenting affected me. So now I’m stuck with this with no way to ask her why she did certain things, or what she was thinking. It’s lonely to work through it by myself and might be easier if she were still alive. I also think she would have been a much better grandparent than she was a parent, and I grieve for that loss. It’s all complicated and yes, we’re all flawed. That’s one reason it can be so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They most ring true for me. But #6, I don't know. I lost my mom over a year ago. Loved her dearly but it wasn't until just months before she passed that I came to the realization that she'd been verbally abusive most of my life. Of course there never was a chance of confrontation/resolution.

For me, grieving for her has been a very strange mix of missing her terribly and aching for her, and reliving some of her biting/critical comments, and feeling so disconcerted in the process.

Do you have flaws?

Of course I do. I'm just sharing an honest struggle as I haven't had enough time to process it. Surely you can understand that.

[Anonymous]

This article assumes a much better relationship with one's parents than I have with mine. Oh well, I guess I'm a freak.

[Anonymous]

I might feel softer towards my parents after they become ill and pass away (if they go before me). I've heard that you feel more vulnerable, because you no longer have one layer between you and the Grim Reaper. That makes sense to me.

[Anonymous]

meh, that article is a downer. Most of the points don't do anything for me. I like to think of my Mom in heaven, now reunited with her Mom. A mother she lost. A Mother she missed and loved at a younger age than I am now. My Mom deserves to be reunited with her Mom and her other loved ones. I am not the only one she has loved. She loved me well, but (at 94) she has given me all the love she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They most ring true for me. But #6, I don't know. I lost my mom over a year ago. Loved her dearly but it wasn't until just months before she passed that I came to the realization that she'd been verbally abusive most of my life. Of course there never was a chance of confrontation/resolution.

For me, grieving for her has been a very strange mix of missing her terribly and aching for her, and reliving some of her biting/critical comments, and feeling so disconcerted in the process.

Do you have flaws?

Realizing this type of thing when you have time to process it and accept your parent when they are alive is one thing. My mother died when I was in my early 20s and it took me years to realize how her parenting affected me. So now I’m stuck with this with no way to ask her why she did certain things, or what she was thinking. It’s lonely to work through it by myself and might be easier if she were still alive. I also think she would have been a much better grandparent than she was a parent, and I grieve for that loss. It’s all complicated and yes, we’re all flawed. That’s one reason it can be so difficult.

That does sound hard--perhaps there are still aunts/uncles or perhaps close friends of hers you could get insight from? My mom was one of those complicated moms, and can't say we ever really "processed" our relationship per se but I do have a collection of memories of things she said--often bits that surfaced in conversations that were about something else completely--that helped me put together a picture of who she was before she was my mom and also what challenges she faced raising kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP. My mom died two weeks ago and I'm working on her memorial, and this happens to be the time when my DH is traveling. It's a little lonely.

I lost my dad in 2001, and I inherited his little house in another city and have it rented out. A couple of years ago my friend (who struggles a little financially) was talking to me about how nice it must be for me to get that extra rental money. She just kept going on about it; you could see she was envious (she gets that way with people) and finally I said, "I'd give the house away if I could have just ten minutes talking to my dad again" and that shut her up. Her dad lives a block away...she's had her dad all this time for 18 extra years and still going. I'm happy for her, not jealous. But other people often forget that when you inherit something, it's because someone died.

x10000

I know someone who is constantly at odds with her ILs who pay her bills! Luxury car, kids' private school tuition, whatever she wants. She has the audacity to compalin about them all the freaking time. I just want to shake her and tell her how lucky she is. She is so clueless and ungrateful. That, and she has at least one parent. We have none of that. People are so freaking tone deaf, it is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This article assumes a much better relationship with one's parents than I have with mine. Oh well, I guess I'm a freak.

That article was complete schlock, written by some co-dependent millennial.

[Anonymous]

I hope my parents die before me; having a child die before you is gut wrenching trauma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope my parents die before me; having a child die before you is gut wrenching trauma

+1

My father passed away kind of suddenly when I was in high school. My grandmother has never been the same. She was put on antidepressants, talks about him all the time, etc. She is suffering from dementia now and speaks about him as if he is still alive. We just let her believe he is because its easier at this point. It's really heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Does this apply the same with Alzheimer's . I feel like the morning is continuous for my living parent, watching the changes and decline over years. I assume in the end I will feel relief. Its torture now.

[Anonymous]

I lost my mom a year ago, and my dad several years ago. This article is spot on.

I definitely think more about my own mortality.

It’s such a sad experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They most ring true for me. But #6, I don't know. I lost my mom over a year ago. Loved her dearly but it wasn't until just months before she passed that I came to the realization that she'd been verbally abusive most of my life. Of course there never was a chance of confrontation/resolution.

For me, grieving for her has been a very strange mix of missing her terribly and aching for her, and reliving some of her biting/critical comments, and feeling so disconcerted in the process.

Do you have flaws?

What a stupid pointless question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This article assumes a much better relationship with one's parents than I have with mine. Oh well, I guess I'm a freak.

I’m a freak too

[Anonymous]

I hadn't spoken with my mother for 11 years when I heard of her death.

I was more bothered by the Nats post season performance than her death.