How to handle classist parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're 12, your parents don't need to see your friends or get to know them that often.

+1. If you have adult roommates, yes, sometimes parents visits and stay with you, but if they're that bad, hotel. Maybe roommates have one lunch or dinner with you. Your friends meet your family at your wedding reception.

But that's about all it needs to be. If you are a grown-ass adult, your parents simply don't need to meet your friends unless you want them to. And clearly you don't want them to.

[Anonymous]

How old are you, OP?
It doesn’t seem all that bad to me, except the riff-raff comment. Grad students are broke. Some parents have money and are a bit snobbish. So what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't do a privilege check on your parents. If they take international vacations and order expensive wine, that's who they are.

You can only control your own behavior and attitudes. And I would add for what it's worth that if you're pretending to be someone you're not, that's fundamentally distasteful. As a poor graduate student, nothing I hated more than trust fund babies who talked about how poor they were in order to fit in. Own your identity.

Yeah. I had this experience in college and it’s just as off putting as your parents behavior. If you have money, don’t pretend to be struggling, it’s offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with your parents and your friends. You can’t change your mom.

This, and I hope you and your friends said thank you for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an adolescent concern

I agree. As you get older you tend to take people as they are. They are a product of their environment and background, and with mores changing so rapidly right now it is inevitable that people in the older generation will make comments that will strike the younger generations as a little off.

I remember when I was young my grandmother used to use the phrase “work like a black” to describe someone working hard. When we tried to tell her how unacceptable that was she was confused-“but it is a compliment!”. So just be glad you don’t have to deal with that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are who they are. You’ll never change your mom. These are deep-seated attitudes. Just do better! Love her anyway. Laugh about it. Poke fun a little but be good humored.

The phrase is "deep-seeded."

I agree with your points.

Uh, no:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/deep-seated-deep-seeded-usage

https://writingexplained.org/deep-seated-or-deep-seeded-difference

https://grammarist.com/usage/deep-seeded-deep-seated/

Haha wannabe grammar nazi gets schooled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were in town recently & took my two roommates & I out for dinner (we're in grad school). Though I come from a well off background, I try not to bring up things as I don't want to seem like I was showing off. I was left deeply uncomfortable by my parents, especially my mother's behavior. Examples are: bringing up international family vacations nonchalantly, complaining about a nice restaurants being awful, calling a group of people "riff-raff", our neighborhood a "student ghetto", & a $45 dollar of wine "a steal". I care deeply about my parents & my friends but if my mom acts like this I don't want her to interact with my friends. Is there a way to approach the topic with my mom? I did call her out on the "riff-raff" comment at the restaurant.

"bringing up international family vacations nonchalantly," - so she just said your family went to XYZ foreign destination on vacation? What's the problem with that?
"complaining about a nice restaurants being awful" - there are plenty of "nice" restaurants that serve crappy food. Price and decor do not automatically mean the chef is any good. Again, what's the problem?
"calling a group of people "riff-raff" - This is the most troubling comment. If she made it about a racial, ethnic or socioeconomic group, that's crappy. If you passed a group of derelicts getting hammered in a park, it's a little impolite, but accurate.
calling "a $45 dollar of wine "a steal" - she's pointing out that the wine is a good value - that for for its quality, she'd expect it to be priced higher, or that she has seen it for more elsewhere. I fail to see why this is an issue.

No offense, OP, but you sound like either a young millennial or an old whateverthehellcomesnext who is very, very concerned with virtue signaling - so much so that you have warped perceptions about what is appropriate conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were in town recently & took my two roommates & I out for dinner (we're in grad school). Though I come from a well off background, I try not to bring up things as I don't want to seem like I was showing off. I was left deeply uncomfortable by my parents, especially my mother's behavior. Examples are: bringing up international family vacations nonchalantly, complaining about a nice restaurants being awful, calling a group of people "riff-raff", our neighborhood a "student ghetto", & a $45 dollar of wine "a steal". I care deeply about my parents & my friends but if my mom acts like this I don't want her to interact with my friends. Is there a way to approach the topic with my mom? I did call her out on the "riff-raff" comment at the restaurant.

The only comments that would have bothered me would be referring to people as "riff raff" and using the term "ghetto." But if they took a family trip to Greece, and mentioned that they went to Greece, and it wasn't bragging or rubbing it in your friends' faces or anything, it's fine. A nice restaurant can be awful. Was this is out of character for your parents, or was it their normal conversation but it felt different because your roommates were present?

BTW: your roommates already likely knew that you are well off. It's good not to show off, and to be aware that not everyone has the money your family has (i.e., don't suggest that everyone take an expensive trip together or eat at pricey restaurants when you know that they are living on a real graduate student budget), but it's not something to be ashamed of either. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are who they are. You’ll never change your mom. These are deep-seated attitudes. Just do better! Love her anyway. Laugh about it. Poke fun a little but be good humored.

The phrase is "deep-seeded."

I agree with your points.

Uh, no:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/deep-seated-deep-seeded-usage

https://writingexplained.org/deep-seated-or-deep-seeded-difference

https://grammarist.com/usage/deep-seeded-deep-seated/

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, if you’re that concerned about your parents coming off as classist, maybe don’t expect them to take you and two friends to a nice restaurant. You’re all adults, even if you’re in grad school. Act like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are who they are. You’ll never change your mom. These are deep-seated attitudes. Just do better! Love her anyway. Laugh about it. Poke fun a little but be good humored.

The phrase is "deep-seeded."

I agree with your points.

No, the phrase is not “deep-seeded.”

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/deep-seated-deep-seeded-usage

[Anonymous]

If my parents acted this way I would tell them next time we spoke that my friends in grad school come from all different economic backgrounds and I'm concerned that their comments could make them uncomfortable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were in town recently & took my two roommates & I out for dinner (we're in grad school). Though I come from a well off background, I try not to bring up things as I don't want to seem like I was showing off. I was left deeply uncomfortable by my parents, especially my mother's behavior. Examples are: bringing up international family vacations nonchalantly, complaining about a nice restaurants being awful, calling a group of people "riff-raff", our neighborhood a "student ghetto", & a $45 dollar of wine "a steal". I care deeply about my parents & my friends but if my mom acts like this I don't want her to interact with my friends. Is there a way to approach the topic with my mom? I did call her out on the "riff-raff" comment at the restaurant.

"bringing up international family vacations nonchalantly," - so she just said your family went to XYZ foreign destination on vacation? What's the problem with that?
"complaining about a nice restaurants being awful" - there are plenty of "nice" restaurants that serve crappy food. Price and decor do not automatically mean the chef is any good. Again, what's the problem?
"calling a group of people "riff-raff" - This is the most troubling comment. If she made it about a racial, ethnic or socioeconomic group, that's crappy. If you passed a group of derelicts getting hammered in a park, it's a little impolite, but accurate.
calling "a $45 dollar of wine "a steal" - she's pointing out that the wine is a good value - that for for its quality, she'd expect it to be priced higher, or that she has seen it for more elsewhere. I fail to see why this is an issue.

No offense, OP, but you sound like either a young millennial or an old whateverthehellcomesnext who is very, very concerned with virtue signaling - so much so that you have warped perceptions about what is appropriate conversation.

I agree with this PP. She's talking about it nonchalantly because it isn't a big deal. It's not a big deal to many people--do you know for a fact that your friends' parents would think it is? How do you expect her to know?

Everyone has different views on restaurants, especially after years and years of eating out. Price does not automatically make it good. The $45 bottle of wine might have been a great price. Just because you're currently in a two-buck-chuck stage of life with friends in grad school doesn't mean that a $100 bottle isn't still a good value if it usually sells for more. "Riffraff" is pretty rude and a bit troubling, but context can be everything.

Just talk to her and tell her that you'd like her to be aware that your friends don't come from money, or similar and she'll tone it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't agree with the two previous posters. Those are cringe-worthy examples. Your parents are not necessarily classist, since class cannot be bought with money, but they definitely have poor manners.

I would talk to her directly about it and tell her to knock it off while with your friends.

You're ridiculous and clearly insecure. The only thing approaching cringe-worthy is the riffraff comment. Speaking nonchalantly about international vacations? Maybe because they AREN'T a big deal? Nothing they said was classist (except riffraff). Would it have been ok to say the $5 bottle of wine was a great value? Because that's absurd-the $45 bottle could very well have been a great value. Just because it sounds expensive to you doesn't mean it wasn't a good value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were in town recently & took my two roommates & I out for dinner (we're in grad school). Though I come from a well off background, I try not to bring up things as I don't want to seem like I was showing off. I was left deeply uncomfortable by my parents, especially my mother's behavior. Examples are: bringing up international family vacations nonchalantly, complaining about a nice restaurants being awful, calling a group of people "riff-raff", our neighborhood a "student ghetto", & a $45 dollar of wine "a steal". I care deeply about my parents & my friends but if my mom acts like this I don't want her to interact with my friends. Is there a way to approach the topic with my mom? I did call her out on the "riff-raff" comment at the restaurant.

While we are correcting grammar, it’s “my roommates and me” (not I).

Most kids/ young adults are embarrassed by their parents. Your friends won’t judge you by your parents’ behavior, so do relax about this. That was nice of them to take your roommates out, too, so I hope you didn’t ruin the meal by being judgy and tense.