Polite detachment in face of emotional outburst

[Anonymous]

We need more details, OP. An ex friend of mine would raise her voice or cry any time she felt upset - and she reacted to the most minor infractions with extreme emotion. I would generally tell her we could chat once she calmed down and either leave or hang up the phone. She's an ex friend because she couldn't/wouldn't control these extreme reactions and I wasn't willing to put up with a grown woman melting down/yelling because I invited someone whose company she didn't enjoy to a large group outing or because the outing took place at a restaurant she didn't like.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to an extend that she doesn't want to go back and forth about this problem (depending on what it is), but her actually walking away is very dismissive.
I think you shouldn't try to talk to her anymore. Distance yourself and see what happens. She'll be back if she's a real friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It wasn’t trivial. It was kind of a big deal but she thinks I’m wrong to be upset and doesn’t care that I am.

Well, if you want actual advice, you'd need to spill on the backstory.

This. YOU think it was a big deal. SHE thinks it's trivial and you're being overdramatic. If you are being overdramatic, or you have a tendency to want to chew over perceived slights or hector people until they apologize to your satisfaction, or you always want to talk everything to death, etc., she might not have wanted to deal with it. Alternatively, she's too dismissive of your feelings (and presumably others, as well) or excessively conflict avoidant.

[Anonymous]

What do you want her to do? Based on the very limited information you provided it seems that she disagrees with whatever position your taking and doesn't think the two of you will ever agree so what's the point of bickering over it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but she may not care enough to engage—not care about the issue, about you, or both. When my sister starts screaming or hectoring, I have a tendency to ignore her or brush her off. I’m so done with her behavior that I just can’t be bothered anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I can see myself reacting the same way.

+1. As adults, you state your point of view and move on.

[Anonymous]

Perfectly stated PP. Someones drama can be another persons meh? It depends on both perspectives.

Just move on when a relationship isn’t jelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people think detachment = maturity. Tell them to watch the new Serena Nike ad

Agree. She has poor communication skills and poor conflict resolution skills.

She can’t nuat leave $hit hanging and walk away to never deal with it.

If she doesn’t come back to actually resolve the conflict, the only thing you ever need to say is that you had hoped she went off to cool down and then return to resolve the conflict. Then go on and say it’s unfortunate that she does not want to clear this up, resolve it, and then move. Brushing things under a rug is not moving on nor mature.

Now you know you can’t trust her. You can still be friends but dont count in her to do the right thing.

Did you read the OP? The friend wasn't the one who needed to "cool down."

Nothing good comes of engaging with something even the person doing it would describe as an "emotional outburst."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might have had the most emotionally healthy and polite response possible to you at that time. Can't tell without details.

The Serena for Nike is about encouraging girls and women to follow their dreams. It's not etiquette advice for how to handle interpersonal interactions with someone who might have an idiosyncratic idea of personal space and boundaries.

Uh.

“If we show emotion, we’re called dramatic,” Williams, says in the ad. “When we stand for something, we’re unhinged. And if we get angry, we’re hysterical, irrational, or just being crazy. ”

But the friend was just politely detached, according to the OP. That's the reverse of calling her names or branding her hysterical. It's just … polite, and detached.

[Anonymous]

That’s how I tend to respond when people get over the top emotional with me. I can’t help myself. I can’t deal with overly emotional people, especially when they seem to have crises often, they don’t want to fix things-just want to rant, or they’re making mountains out of molehills. I don’t want to get sucked into your drama or hear you rant. I’ll validate for a few minutes then excuse myself.

[Anonymous]

OP without knowing what you wanted to talk about, and what she didn't feel was worth discussing any longer (had you already discussed this? Positions intractable?), we can't tell if you are the crazy one or if she is. Sounds to me like polite detachment wins the non-crazy runner up prize, but that's my own personal bias.

[Anonymous]

I mean, OP, you said you had an outburst. I don't like interacting with that.

[Anonymous]

She's normal. At least, I would react exactly in that way.
Why? Because I hate confrontation. I get paralyzed in the moment. And afterward, I may think of a lot of things I may have wanted to say and rehash the conversation...

This has happened to me with a neighbor. She screamed at me for a neutral comment I had made on the listserve, and I had just enough wherewithal to tell her politely I regretted she felt that way and walk away. I still haven't gotten over it.

I cannot stand aggressive people. If you're unhappy with something, please try to stay calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people think detachment = maturity. Tell them to watch the new Serena Nike ad

Agree. She has poor communication skills and poor conflict resolution skills.

She can’t nuat leave $hit hanging and walk away to never deal with it.

If she doesn’t come back to actually resolve the conflict, the only thing you ever need to say is that you had hoped she went off to cool down and then return to resolve the conflict. Then go on and say it’s unfortunate that she does not want to clear this up, resolve it, and then move. Brushing things under a rug is not moving on nor mature.

Now you know you can’t trust her. You can still be friends but dont count in her to do the right thing.

This is is not about feminism, it's about rudeness.
Self-control is always better than emotional outbursts. A man or women who raises his or her voice and is upset is ruder than a man or woman who expresses displeasure in a calm voice.
The person who can keep calm is always perceived as the better person.

Serena's point is different - it's about the fact that women's emotions are treated differently than men's. Don't confuse everything. It makes you look stupid.

[Anonymous]

You were rude.

She was polite in the face of your rudeness.

You are gravely mistaken if you think the psychopath in the situation is her