Do you feel guilty for not visiting the gravesites of your loved ones?

[Anonymous]

No.

Some are on Mt. Fuji, some are in a tiny French village.

Not going there until I have enough time and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually don’t believe in this kind of thing but my sister visited a Medium. The Medium told her that our friend, who was murdered as a young adult is thankful that we visit her grave since her family doesn’t visit her grave. Sad.

Ughhh and this is the what if that I worry about. If my sisters or my dad went, I wouldn't feel so bad about stopping, but as is I am the only one who goes.

[Anonymous]

My family is buried on the other side of the country. I go when I am in town, but I do so for me. If it feels like an obligation, I would go less often. I feel connected with those I have lost and as if I am honoring them when I go -- but that's about me, not about them. Do what is right for you.

[Anonymous]

My young son died and is buried in a cemetery in Georgetown. For the first several months I went every day. If you can image how horrible it would be to go from providing every need for your sweet little boy and having him inhabit every moment of your day to suddenly having him ripped from your life believe me-the reality is much worse. After the first few months I might not have gone every day but any time my day took me anywhere close to where it would just be a turnin the road to his grave I sometimes had to force nyself not to go. It was wretched to think I’d abandoned the only thing I could still do for him. For me and my DH as the weeks, months now years went on-visiting our son’s grave was a peaceful ritual where we could step outside of our lives and spend time thinking-no teally- almost being with him better describes it. It helped that the cemetery is beautiful and quiet and right here in the city. He’s been dead now longer than he was alive but for us- his grave is still a connection and a ritualized way to keep him ‘alive.’ I don’t feel guilty if I don’t visit now but I feel more whole if I do.

[Anonymous]

No. They aren’t there.

[Anonymous]

My parents are buried about a thirty-minute drive away, but for some reason I do not visit their graves.

Since I believe in the afterlife, I imagine my Mother disappointed in me (as it seemed she always was when alive!) & feel like she feels like I am a bad daughter.

Also -
I am a very private person + would feel weird talking to my parents grave.
I would likely get emotional while doing so and would feel incredibly uncomfortable if someone saw me.

Plus, I often feel awkward when I see others getting emotional while visiting a loved one’s grave.

[Anonymous]

My mom passed away last fall. She had been displaced from her home after a natural disaster, and had relocated to another state with her husband, who I have a very strained relationship with.

I had gone to visit her immediately prior to her unexpected death.

She lived in the deep south, with my sister and I being here up north (but my sister and I live about 5-6 hours apart).

My mom's husband was arranging the funeral, and my sister was unable to attend due to money and some other personal situations involving her kids. I decided to skip the funeral/burial, and traveled to my sister, who lives in the same city/state where my mom grew up. We had our own memorial service, which was quite lovely. Afterward, we took some of the flowers to my mom's parents' nearby gravesites.

I don't do open caskets, and felt fine not attending my mom's open casket funeral and burial. I needed to be with my sister, and it was nice to have a memorial service in a place where my mom spent most of her life, giving folks the opportunity to attend.

I imagine I'll visit my mom's gravesite some day, but it's in a town I've never been to, and have no other reason to visit -- so it would be a long trip solely to visit her gravesite.

I guess, in short, the physical location where her body is buried isn't very significant to me. She's no longer in that body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My young son died and is buried in a cemetery in Georgetown. For the first several months I went every day. If you can image how horrible it would be to go from providing every need for your sweet little boy and having him inhabit every moment of your day to suddenly having him ripped from your life believe me-the reality is much worse. After the first few months I might not have gone every day but any time my day took me anywhere close to where it would just be a turnin the road to his grave I sometimes had to force nyself not to go. It was wretched to think I’d abandoned the only thing I could still do for him. For me and my DH as the weeks, months now years went on-visiting our son’s grave was a peaceful ritual where we could step outside of our lives and spend time thinking-no teally- almost being with him better describes it. It helped that the cemetery is beautiful and quiet and right here in the city. He’s been dead now longer than he was alive but for us- his grave is still a connection and a ritualized way to keep him ‘alive.’ I don’t feel guilty if I don’t visit now but I feel more whole if I do.

I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s nothing worse than losing a child. For me it was the opposite when I visited her grave. It made me sadder from the beginning. It was like a tangible reminder that I couldn’t hold her anymore. I haven’t been in 8 years and I don’t know if I’ll wver have the strength to go back. I avoid funerals if possible, and I never go to friends or family members’ graves. That said, one of my favorite places to go for a peaceful feeling is a columbarium. It doesn’t seem as unsettling as a graveyard.

[Anonymous]

I have my dad's ashes in my house. I say hi to him sometimes, but I don't sit there and do some long deep meditation with his ashes.
The first couple months after he died, I toted his ashes around with me in my car while I attended to the affairs of his estate. Some of my friends found this creepy and wouldn't ride in my car with my dad's ashes in it.

[Anonymous]

No. They come visit me. I don't have to visit them. Not kidding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually don’t believe in this kind of thing but my sister visited a Medium. The Medium told her that our friend, who was murdered as a young adult is thankful that we visit her grave since her family doesn’t visit her grave. Sad.

If anything on DCUM ever warranted an eye roll, ‘tis now.



OP, do what makes you happy and comfortable. My mom died in 2015, and to be honest, it creeps me out to go to the cemetery. I don’t want to associate her with death/graves/cemeteries. There was and is so much more to our relationship than that.

If anyone on DCUM ever wrote something that warranted being called an asshole, it is you.

If you don’t believe on mediums, etc, that is your right (I don’t either, fwiw); just read the post, don’t believe it/ignore it, & move on. No need to make a rude, snarky comment! The poster’s friend was murdered ffs.What skin is it off your nose she feels better/a bit of closure believing that leaving flowers on the friend’s grave is appreciated??

[Anonymous]

From a different perspective, I enjoy going for walks around cemeteries. I love seeing gravestones with pictures or sayings or even a sports team flag by them or something. I enjoy thinking about the lives these people led. I feel a sense of peace in the cemetery.

I clean up graves that appear to have been neglected. I can’t do this for everyone because there are so many. But personally I would hate it if once I’m gone, no one took care of my last remaining memorial (though I recognize one day everyone who knew me will also be dead and it’ll be an inevitable thing). So I weed the forgotten people and say a quick prayer for them that I hope they’re in a peaceful place and that someone on earth thought of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No grave visits. They are not there. They are in my heart.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No grave visits. They are not there. They are in my heart.

This. I didn’t go to my beloved grandfather’s funeral and my mom couldn’t understand why. I don’t want my last memories of him to be dead in a box. I have visited his grave but I think about him nearly every day.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never gone and never will. No guilt. I don’t feel any connection to the cemetery. Sometimes I talk to my aunt silently when I’m cooking or in my house. That gives me comfort. I’m a little upset I’ve never received a sign back or anything but rationally know she died and isn’t here. I see my family members in my children all of the time and that gives me comfort.