Do you feel guilty for not visiting the gravesites of your loved ones?

[Anonymous]

My mom died 4 years ago, and each year I have visited her grave on her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas. I have never felt a "connection" to her grave, and I feel silly when I start to talk to her. I have considered discontinuing the visits, as I fully realize she isn't there. Yet, I feel guilty about it, as if I would be abandoing her.


How have those who have lost a loved one dealt with grave visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died 4 years ago, and each year I have visited her grave on her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas. I have never felt a "connection" to her grave, and I feel silly when I start to talk to her. I have considered discontinuing the visits, as I fully realize she isn't there. Yet, I feel guilty about it, as if I would be abandoing her.


How have those who have lost a loved one dealt with grave visits?

I have only gone to my dads grave when I’m in my home state - and not every time I go. He died in 2014 and I think I’ve gone maybe 3 times. I’m like you - I feel no connection to him there.

My mom, on the other hand, goes constantly. She feels a very strong connection.

To each his own.

[Anonymous]

No grave visits. They are not there. They are in my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No grave visits. They are not there. They are in my heart.

Same. No guilt whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Grave site visits are for the people left behind. If it isn't something that brings you good feelings, then don't go.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel guilty. I like old, historic cemeteries - they're neat to walk through and read tombstones.

But cemeteries don't give me any "connection" to my loved ones. I know that many people do feel a connection, but for me, it's the site of their decayed dead corpses. I feel stirred by photographs, or places we went together, or a few mementos from their life. But their grave? No, I find it bizarre.

But I also don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't feel like I'm letting anyone down. I honor my memories of them in my own ways.

[Anonymous]

To each his/her own. Like grieving, visitng graves is very personal.

My grandmother goes weekly to my grandfather's grave. She brings him things (photos, flowers I send her, that kind of thing) and talks to him for a while.

[Anonymous]

I usually don’t believe in this kind of thing but my sister visited a Medium. The Medium told her that our friend, who was murdered as a young adult is thankful that we visit her grave since her family doesn’t visit her grave. Sad.

[Anonymous]

I go in the summer to my grandparents' gravesites. I clean them up, weed around them if necessary, and leave some flowers. I also think it's important to bring great grandchildren there so they will have some curiosity about family members who came before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually don’t believe in this kind of thing but my sister visited a Medium. The Medium told her that our friend, who was murdered as a young adult is thankful that we visit her grave since her family doesn’t visit her grave. Sad.

If anything on DCUM ever warranted an eye roll, ‘tis now.



OP, do what makes you happy and comfortable. My mom died in 2015, and to be honest, it creeps me out to go to the cemetery. I don’t want to associate her with death/graves/cemeteries. There was and is so much more to our relationship than that.

[Anonymous]

Just more reasons here to affirm my wish to be cremated and my ashes scattered over my favorite upstate NY lake.

[Anonymous]

No cemetry for my dad (since we are Hindus), but I said my goodbye to his mortal body when we immersed his ashes in Ganges. He exists for me in my memories and dreams. I feel he is still guiding me and my siblings, so I do punt him my issues when I am praying. Recently, I have been urging him to make me win big in mega millions. he hasn't come through yet!

[Anonymous]

They’re dead. They don’t know I haven’t visited. And I’m not Jewish, so no one else can tell I haven’t been there either (no rocks on the headstones).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No grave visits. They are not there. They are in my heart.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No grave visits. They are not there. They are in my heart.

Same. No guilt whatsoever.

Same. I’ve never been to my grandfathers grave since his funeral. I’m wearing his ring right now. My niece is named after him. I quote him sometimes. Grave, schrave.