Are middle school girls mean in general...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Thank you! I can't believe how quickly PPs jump to some medical diagnosis. It IS insane. Kids are awkward sometimes--that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. This board sure does make a strong case for homeschooling...

As the PP with the DD with HFA, I have to take exception to the characterization that there is something “wrong” with DD.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously. My DD is the sweetest kid, never a bad word about anyone, very bright and hard-working, not a great athlete and socially awkward. Why would that mean there is something wrong with her? In my view, there is more wrong with the kids who are mean to other kids for no reason. What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Sure, it happens, but you shouldn't assume that it's inevitable.

My DD had to get better at distancing herself from those who treated her badly, but she eventually found a group who were more supportive of each other. The others still occasionally hurled a snotty comment her way, but it hurt a lot less when she knew her real friends had her back.

She did find that at first, it helped to look around for other girls who seemed uncomfortable or isolated, and reach out to them. Sometimes focusing on her empathy for others helped her dwell less on her own feelings of awkwardness, and she could connect with them more easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Middle school is a very mean age, especially for girls and boys

Fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Thank you! I can't believe how quickly PPs jump to some medical diagnosis. It IS insane. Kids are awkward sometimes--that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. This board sure does make a strong case for homeschooling...

As the PP with the DD with HFA, I have to take exception to the characterization that there is something “wrong” with DD.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously. My DD is the sweetest kid, never a bad word about anyone, very bright and hard-working, not a great athlete and socially awkward. Why would that mean there is something wrong with her? In my view, there is more wrong with the kids who are mean to other kids for no reason. What do you think?

I think that if your daughter has a diagnosed medical condition, and you are taking exception to the characterization that something is "wrong" with her, it says a lot about your own baggage and acceptance of that condition.

My kid has a heart condition. There is something wrong with her - her heart, in particular. It doesn't make her a bad person, or mean she's unworthy of love. It's not a value judgment, it's a statement of fact. Something is not the way it should be. Not wrong as in immoral, wrong as in not correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Thank you! I can't believe how quickly PPs jump to some medical diagnosis. It IS insane. Kids are awkward sometimes--that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. This board sure does make a strong case for homeschooling...

As the PP with the DD with HFA, I have to take exception to the characterization that there is something “wrong” with DD.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously. My DD is the sweetest kid, never a bad word about anyone, very bright and hard-working, not a great athlete and socially awkward. Why would that mean there is something wrong with her? In my view, there is more wrong with the kids who are mean to other kids for no reason. What do you think?

^^Nothing wrong with your kid. Sounds like a sweetheart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Could not agree more. The Asperger's suggestion is ridiculous. My daughter is like this. I've had to teach her to stop being so polite all the time with her peers. For example, instead of walking up and asking if she can join a group...I tell her just to walk up and join the group. She doesn't need to ask for permission. So many kids are raised to be super competitive around here, and some no basic manners, it's hard for kids that aren't like this to understand the direct/mean nature of some girls.

This is so true. My daughter is very empathetic and kind. There are not many like her in 6th grade. We worked pretty hard to get her to a point where she can be a little tougher and not care so much what other kids think. Telling her about my awkward middle school years helped a lot and also that high school and beyond are much better. It is a shame that the mean girls are also the popular ones. Why is that???

As an aside, with my encouragement, I had her run for SGA office. She had an excellent platform, talked to many kids about what changes they want to see and ran her ideas by the VP to see what can be implemented. I was present for her presentation and she rocked it. All the kids and parents in the audience clapped for her the loudest. Her competitor went after her and you could barely hear her as she giggled through her speech. her ideas were along the lines of putting a lounge in the girl's bathroom and having half day Fridays. She also said she is against bullying despite being extremely mean and brutal to kids. Guess who won??? Not my daughter. She was upset and I at that point I realized just how unfair life really can be for some people. We used it as a teaching moment and she has since heard that even the most unpopular kids voted for the other girl because they thought that would bump their social status.

So just tell her to distance herself, give her the courage to go sit with another less nasty group at lunch (they are there and she should just go and sit with them without really asking) and just role play at home to make her more comfortable speaking up for herself which is not easy for a lot of people to do, kids and adults.

[Anonymous]

With a few exceptions, I think most middle school girls are mean. But I also think most outgrow it. I think they’re jostling to find their place in the hierarchy and nobody wants to be the bottom. Not that this is any excuse. My daughter was treated terribly by her group of friends and it was a lonely few years. But I also know my daughter isn’t perfect and I have called her out on things. I was a Girl Scout leader for years and the mean girl behavior I observed was very subtle and underhanded and most parents have no clue that their girls participate. I ended up leaving my role because I couldn’t stomach it anymore. It takes a special person to work with that age group, especially teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Thank you! I can't believe how quickly PPs jump to some medical diagnosis. It IS insane. Kids are awkward sometimes--that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. This board sure does make a strong case for homeschooling...

As the PP with the DD with HFA, I have to take exception to the characterization that there is something “wrong” with DD.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously. My DD is the sweetest kid, never a bad word about anyone, very bright and hard-working, not a great athlete and socially awkward. Why would that mean there is something wrong with her? In my view, there is more wrong with the kids who are mean to other kids for no reason. What do you think?

No kidding. Why does society think that there is something wrong with the nice kids??? I learned to embrace my kid's kindness and not to think that she is socially awkward just because some kids at school don't find her cool. And these are the kids that spend their evenings and weekends texting selfies to each other and talking poorly about other kids. My kid lost her best friend to this group and her friend ended up coming back to her because eventually, she got bored with the other girls. Nothing wrong with your awesome sounding daughter, OP. Tell her middle school sucks, even for the popular ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think about a social skills group for her. It sounds like she has real problems that are affecting her ability to socialize.

Really? Every kid a mean girl bullies must have something wrong with Them, not her?

I'm with the PP who reminds kids that when someone behaves inappropriately and is mean to other kids, the main problem is with the badly behaving kid. When you point that out, most kids realize how obvious that is. Larla, you wouldn't treat someone that way right? Why not? Larla gives really good reasons that show she's got her moral compass on straight. You respond, that's right. Now tell me about a kid who would behave that way: why are they doing it? What is wrong with their moral compass? This does two things, it gives Larla confidence that she is not the problem, and it also sparks empathy in her for the kid who is misbehaving. There is always a reason for the bad behavior.

Now, sometimes, a kid also has to take responsibility for the problem. So first you ask, what was going on when this happened? Make sure your kid examines their own role in the situation honestly, because sometimes they do need to modify their own behavior (e.g., that was mean of Suzie, but you also need to understand that it not OK to put your hand down your pants in middle school no matter how itchy the tag on your underwear is. Got to the restroom and fix it next time, that way you aren't giving the mean kid an easy target.)

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t at all mean, but I also wasn’t socially successful. Had no idea how to navigate the popular crowd! But I survived and thrived.

[Anonymous]

Former middle school teacher here. There are plenty of nice kids at this age even as the ramping up of social competitiveness is very real. I subscribe to the hypothesis that most children are cruel because it elevates their own status. In communities where put-downs and other mean girl behavior are not rewarded or are rewarded less, it’s a little easier for the awkward kids. It takes a lot of social education to reach that point, though, where the children with social capital don’t directly or indirectly reinforce nastiness.

Unfortunately, the kids who pick on others do develop a sense of who is an easier target. It’s not fair, and it’s not the target’s fault. Do you get the sense that your child is being picked on because she is immature and has different interests, or do you get the sense that she has a social skills deficit? If it’s the latter, you may want to work with her on strategies for handling things well. Use a counselor as a resource if need be. Again, it’s not her fault. However, helping her build up positive strategies will aid her in weathering the social storm of middle school. Consider also self esteem building activities away from the mean girls. Are there interests she might pursue in a non-school setting that would help her to feel better about herself? It could be anything from Girls on the Run, to robotics, to arts classes, to coding, or scouting.

[Anonymous]

No op all are not mean. My daughter and friends and overall grade are pretty nice girls. The moms help encourage this. The more confident your daughter becomes the more socially comfortable she will be. Also maybe Encourage her not to try to be friends with girls that clearly don’t want to be friends. I had to kindly encourage my son to stop trying to break into a group that was not very nice to him or others and now he has a much nicer group of friends that he fits into more naturally without having to try so hard. It gets better! Help her get her confidence up by focusing on something she is good at or enjoys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Could not agree more. The Asperger's suggestion is ridiculous. My daughter is like this. I've had to teach her to stop being so polite all the time with her peers. For example, instead of walking up and asking if she can join a group...I tell her just to walk up and join the group. She doesn't need to ask for permission. So many kids are raised to be super competitive around here, and some no basic manners, it's hard for kids that aren't like this to understand the direct/mean nature of some girls.

This is so true. My daughter is very empathetic and kind. There are not many like her in 6th grade. We worked pretty hard to get her to a point where she can be a little tougher and not care so much what other kids think. Telling her about my awkward middle school years helped a lot and also that high school and beyond are much better. It is a shame that the mean girls are also the popular ones. Why is that???

As an aside, with my encouragement, I had her run for SGA office. She had an excellent platform, talked to many kids about what changes they want to see and ran her ideas by the VP to see what can be implemented. I was present for her presentation and she rocked it. All the kids and parents in the audience clapped for her the loudest. Her competitor went after her and you could barely hear her as she giggled through her speech. her ideas were along the lines of putting a lounge in the girl's bathroom and having half day Fridays. She also said she is against bullying despite being extremely mean and brutal to kids. Guess who won??? Not my daughter. She was upset and I at that point I realized just how unfair life really can be for some people. We used it as a teaching moment and she has since heard that even the most unpopular kids voted for the other girl because they thought that would bump their social status.

So just tell her to distance herself, give her the courage to go sit with another less nasty group at lunch (they are there and she should just go and sit with them without really asking) and just role play at home to make her more comfortable speaking up for herself which is not easy for a lot of people to do, kids and adults.

NP. You took your DD’s race way too seriously. Sounds like it was doomed from the start. They are popularity concerts and always will be, sorry to say.

[Anonymous]

YES YES YES

My nerdy super smart and gorgeous daughter had a terrible time in middle school. Thank goodness it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Thank you! I can't believe how quickly PPs jump to some medical diagnosis. It IS insane. Kids are awkward sometimes--that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. This board sure does make a strong case for homeschooling...

As the PP with the DD with HFA, I have to take exception to the characterization that there is something “wrong” with DD.

New PP here, I say celebrate it all you like, differences should be celebrated, but also be honest with yourself. if there is something that needs fixing or significantly helping, then there is something wrong, quite simply.