Are middle school girls mean in general...

[Anonymous]

Or is there something about my DD that’s causing her to be a target? It just seems like every few weeks a different girl goes after her unprovoked. Telling her to be quiet when she joins in conversation, getting mad at her for reasons that elude my DD. My DD is very kind and sweet but also very naive and a bit socially awkward. These middle school dynamics are starting to weigh on her.

I guess I’m wondering if other (less awkward) girls go through this too, to some extent?

[Anonymous]

Yes.

Middle school is a very mean age, especially for girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or is there something about my DD that’s causing her to be a target? It just seems like every few weeks a different girl goes after her unprovoked. Telling her to be quiet when she joins in conversation, getting mad at her for reasons that elude my DD. My DD is very kind and sweet but also very naive and a bit socially awkward. These middle school dynamics are starting to weigh on her.

I guess I’m wondering if other (less awkward) girls go through this too, to some extent?

Yes, middle school girls can be mean.
But I also would add that if you are seeing this behavior in your DD at this age and it is effecting her to the point that she can not read social queues which it seems to be you are indicating, consider having her evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome. There are certainly still a lot of social awkwardness in the middle school years as kids muddle through but what I have seen is that most girls by this age are generally able to read social situations and understand girl dynamics and figure out when to insert themselves or not. If it's not something your DD has picked up on, it's worth getting help because it will not get easier and it's likely not just a case of maturity. I see plenty of immature 8th grade girls at my DD's school yet they are still able to pick up on social queues.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a tough time for sure. I did not sugar coat it with my daughter. I told her to expect mean girls, and when petty behaviors came up I didn't make a big deal, but told her it was them not her, and how to remove herself from the drama - I always told her it's not worth it - move on - and you are awesome. It worked. I never once gave her mechanisms to "deal" or confront mean girl situations. I just didn't believe head on confrontation works. The less available you are to mean girls the more they want you (if they want you at all). They always came back to her and ultimately she chose not to hang out with them. Many of them matured and through sports and other activities they all were friends by the time they got to later HS. People do grow up and mature thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

I would think about a social skills group for her. It sounds like she has real problems that are affecting her ability to socialize.

[Anonymous]

People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a teen girl with HFA, I agree that these facts do not point to HFA, but rather to the unpleasant reality that some MS girls can be mean and some kids have a hard time dealing with that. Because some MS girls are actually nice.

OP, a lot of girls have this experience. Does she have a trusted adult - a teacher or counselor - to talk to? A friend’s DD had this going on last year and a teacher formed a lunch group for her math kids a few times a week which was helpful. Is she in any clubs or activities with like-minded kids like drama or whatever she is interested in? Having even a few friends will buffer her from the inevitable mean comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Seriously. What is up with PPs talking about aspergers and evaluations??? Aren’t kids allowed to be socially awkward these days without getting a diagnosis?

OP, my DD is shy and socially awkward too, and is in her last semester of middle school. Listen to the PPs who gave solid advice on how to just walk away from mean girls. There are nice girls in middle school, it just sometimes takes time to find them. My daughter extricated herself from a mean group in 6th grade and found a group of friends who accept her for herself, social awkwardness and all. ((((Hugs))) to you, I know this is rough.

[Anonymous]

It’s somewhat inevitable , but it sounds like she’s i the wrong group for her. My dd was somewhat awkward and a target like this of the girls from her old school who wanted to be cool and popular. We encouraged her to branch out socially and life improved dramatically. Some therapy (for other issues) helped, too, as social life came up in those discussions and the therapist could help talk her through making new and better connections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Thank you! I can't believe how quickly PPs jump to some medical diagnosis. It IS insane. Kids are awkward sometimes--that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. This board sure does make a strong case for homeschooling...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Thank you! I can't believe how quickly PPs jump to some medical diagnosis. It IS insane. Kids are awkward sometimes--that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. This board sure does make a strong case for homeschooling...

As the PP with the DD with HFA, I have to take exception to the characterization that there is something “wrong” with DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think about a social skills group for her. It sounds like she has real problems that are affecting her ability to socialize.

I found most social groups useless. Kids don't have an adult near them when in real life these interactions go down. My HFA was great in the groups and was smart enough to give the right answer but had trouble executing the social interactionsn.

I found acting and improv classes helped the best. Plus she loved reading fiction ( told this is unusual) and that helped her understand others point of view.

Middle school is horrible for the majority of kids. Yes, even boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Thank you! I can't believe how quickly PPs jump to some medical diagnosis. It IS insane. Kids are awkward sometimes--that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. This board sure does make a strong case for homeschooling...

As the PP with the DD with HFA, I have to take exception to the characterization that there is something “wrong” with DD.

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Middle school girls can be mean but obviously they are not in general because you don’t think your is.

In answer to your question, yes, less awkward girls go through what your daughter is experiencing. My daughter dealt with this by surrounding herself with other sweet and quiet girls who support her and are kind. She has a completely different group of friends than in ES.

FWIW, I hear from moms whose girls are outside of my circle and in circles that my daughter no longer travels that the girls in those groups turn on each other often, ostracizing one or another for like a week at a time before letting them back in. So even the tough ones aren’t protected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are insane. Nothing in your post gave enough information for people to diagnose her with ASD or say she has “real problems.” Middle school is brutal. Love and support her. Most girls have these issues.

Could not agree more. The Asperger's suggestion is ridiculous. My daughter is like this. I've had to teach her to stop being so polite all the time with her peers. For example, instead of walking up and asking if she can join a group...I tell her just to walk up and join the group. She doesn't need to ask for permission. So many kids are raised to be super competitive around here, and some no basic manners, it's hard for kids that aren't like this to understand the direct/mean nature of some girls.