Very upset with DH... am I right to be?

[Anonymous]

You need a 2nd job to cover your expenses. You shouldn't be having a 3rd kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would he begrudge you getting a manicure or pedicure?

Are your parents in town an added expense?

Are you discussing the budget issues together as partners? Did you both agree on the budget?

No, my parents are staying with us and buy groceries for everyone and pay for the kids. My parents save us money and give us lots of free time.

Not sure about the manicure... probably not since it’s $12

We agreed that we both need to save and cut expenses. He used to send his parents money every months but suspended it for the time being. I want to be as tight as possible and he thinks that the issue is only momentary (been almost 5 months now and not sure when it will end)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. I am very upset and he is sleeping on the couch tonight. Unfortunately baby calendar before we put the house on sale and we also thought we would be selling it within a couple of months max.

I never ever check what my DH spends money on. He pays the credit cards so I have no clue. I know he spent somewhere around $80 today because he had lunch at a restaurant (cheap one he says) and then told me he spent around $50 in drinks. I understand that it’s the holidays and he has many friends, but I find it so very inconsiderate. He does not have a easy job, but during this time everyone is on vacation and we are not (because I am pregnant and to save money) so basically he can come and go as he pleases and today didn’t even go in.
We are not unhappy and i realize our money issue is temporary and once the place finally sells (or we rent it again) I will start spending more and won’t care if he does the same.
Also, I have no control over him. I had no idea he was going to have lunch a drinks with friends... we had something at 5 that he/we missed (since he arrived home at 6) and that is when I got upset and asked where he was and what he was doing

Wai, if he pays the credit cards, how aware are you of your family’s regular spending?

Pro-tip: set your credit cards to auto pay and have the notice come to both of you. This is not really a chore in this day and age.

[Anonymous]

Again, baby came before we had any issue.

[Anonymous]

Did he decide to sleep on the couch? Are your parents still there?

The two of you need to get communicating with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If $80 upsets you yet, you have an expensive piece of property to sell, then you need to lower the price of the property. Things cannot be this tight with your budget because a third kid is going to blow that idea to pieces. It sounds just vaguely like you are wound up a little too tight.
You talk about working from home like it’s a sacrifice and belittle your DH’s job as easy. You make a production out what you don’t spend money on but want to control his expenditures. You then bias responses by announcing that your DH is an ass. The problem is you are pregnant (again) during the holidays with house guests and you can’t go out to have a drink too.

This. If you can't sell your property and it's draining you, then lower the price. Your having a third child you can't afford. You are having people over for the holidays that you also can't afford. I notice you are willing to spend extra money for your parents coming to stay, all the extra food you will have to buy and prepare for the holidays and presents.

So your DH is blowing off some steam going out for drinks at a time of year when this is what people do. Don't ruin the holidays with your stress. As soon as the property is sold the money situation will be ok.

And if I was your husband I would be angry that you are humiliating him in front of your parents by making him sleep on the couch and crying and announcing your problems in front of your parents. He is going to have to face your parents again. You are showing no respect for him, even if you are angry at him, you don't share that with people outside of your marriage, even your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you having a third kid if you can't afford it?

This, and I don't get complaining about luxuries like manicures, pedicures, hair done. Both of you are wrong and need to cut back. You've been spending lavishly, over spent for real estate, not managing your money well, having a third child... there is more going on here.

You are really wrong. This property was my parents’ gift to me. It was giving us a good income because we rented it. We thought we should sell it because condo fees were getting too high and with the money from the sale we could get a better investment. We did not anticipate we would not be able to sell and now are not attractive bf really high condo fees, furniture rental and property taxes. It was obviously a mistake, but here we are now. I never spent lavishly (nor did DH) we hav an old crappy car and don’t spend much other than kids education

[Anonymous]

You have two kids and are pregnant with the third and I had no idea what your DH was all day. Did you know he took a day off? I would be pretty worried if my DH was gone all day and I have no idea where he is. Are you exaggerating not knowing? As in, he told you he is going to lunch with Jimmy, but not the rest of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he decide to sleep on the couch? Are your parents still there?

The two of you need to get communicating with each other.

Yes, not tonight... he is too drunk and I am too emotional

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If $80 upsets you yet, you have an expensive piece of property to sell, then you need to lower the price of the property. Things cannot be this tight with your budget because a third kid is going to blow that idea to pieces. It sounds just vaguely like you are wound up a little too tight.
You talk about working from home like it’s a sacrifice and belittle your DH’s job as easy. You make a production out what you don’t spend money on but want to control his expenditures. You then bias responses by announcing that your DH is an ass. The problem is you are pregnant (again) during the holidays with house guests and you can’t go out to have a drink too.

This. If you can't sell your property and it's draining you, then lower the price. Your having a third child you can't afford. You are having people over for the holidays that you also can't afford. I notice you are willing to spend extra money for your parents coming to stay, all the extra food you will have to buy and prepare for the holidays and presents.

So your DH is blowing off some steam going out for drinks at a time of year when this is what people do. Don't ruin the holidays with your stress. As soon as the property is sold the money situation will be ok.

And if I was your husband I would be angry that you are humiliating him in front of your parents by making him sleep on the couch and crying and announcing your problems in front of your parents. He is going to have to face your parents again. You are showing no respect for him, even if you are angry at him, you don't share that with people outside of your marriage, even your parents.

As I already said, my parents are not an added expense. They have money and bring gifts for the kids, but our groceries and take the kids for the day. We are really saving money. As for the embarrassment, my dad came to me asking me if DH was drunk. My mom saw me crying and I just told her we go in a fight. He embarrassed himself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids and are pregnant with the third and I had no idea what your DH was all day. Did you know he took a day off? I would be pretty worried if my DH was gone all day and I have no idea where he is. Are you exaggerating not knowing? As in, he told you he is going to lunch with Jimmy, but not the rest of it?

He told me he was going to the gym when he left the house. Then we spoke and said he was having lunch with friends from the gym... I had no idea about the drinks until he came home

[Anonymous]

Try and get a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Start it fresh. I would hold off on any big money discussions while you have company around. Try and get through the holidays with a little bit of room for splurging. It may be embarrassing for him to admit to coworkers/friend that things are tight $$ wise. Look at tightening things back up in the new year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids and are pregnant with the third and I had no idea what your DH was all day. Did you know he took a day off? I would be pretty worried if my DH was gone all day and I have no idea where he is. Are you exaggerating not knowing? As in, he told you he is going to lunch with Jimmy, but not the rest of it?

He told me he was going to the gym when he left the house. Then we spoke and said he was having lunch with friends from the gym... I had no idea about the drinks until he came home

Ok, well you knew where he has and what he is doing. How did he get home? Uber, I hope. Honestly, you are in a tight financial situation, if you will be that well off soon, and you are pregnant, try to stay positive, for your own sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a 2nd job to cover your expenses. You shouldn't be having a 3rd kid.

I will look for a new job after baby arrives. I am also finishing a PhD so I can look for something better late Spring. I was looking for a better job at the beginning of the pregnancy, but all I found was a job that requires extensive travel to Africa right around my due date so that was our. I stopped looking this month since I am due in 9 weeks, but I will start looking again in May (when baby will be 2-3 months)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids and are pregnant with the third and I had no idea what your DH was all day. Did you know he took a day off? I would be pretty worried if my DH was gone all day and I have no idea where he is. Are you exaggerating not knowing? As in, he told you he is going to lunch with Jimmy, but not the rest of it?

He told me he was going to the gym when he left the house. Then we spoke and said he was having lunch with friends from the gym... I had no idea about the drinks until he came home

Ok, well you knew where he has and what he is doing. How did he get home? Uber, I hope. Honestly, you are in a tight financial situation, if you will be that well off soon, and you are pregnant, try to stay positive, for your own sake.

The thing is that we don’t know when/if the place will sell. And we won’t be very well off, but we won’t be as tight anymore