Funeral Etiquette

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she doesn’t want you helping your mom. Oh wells.

[Anonymous]

This is your grandmother. Both you and your mom are deeply affected. You want to be there for your mom. All reasonable. Your wife objecting it is making it about her, while she loses sight of what it's all about.

I'm assuming you already tried to rationally explain all this to her, and she still has issues with it. If you're still at an impasse, suggest that she gets on DCUM and post from her perspective. We'll set her straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very reasonable.

Unless your wife is close with your family, in which case you are baldly saying "you aren't good enough" when she thought she was.

Is she close with her MIL? Does she work hard at that relationship? Know that you are undermining her if she works hard to have your mom treat her well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that DW and my mom are not on the best of terms

You aren't unreasonable.
But the thing is, if she is feeling a duty to be there and they aren't on the best of terms currently, she may be worried that your mom will take her absence as a slight when your mom's nerves/emotion will already be under strain. I understand your concerns about costs and the clingy three year old, but you should hear your wife out if she is worried about a delicate situation with your mom. It sounds like your wife is trying to be a good daughter in law. Also, a young child is often helpful during grief - would your mom be more uplifted when the time comes if your child is around? Just things to think about.

FYI - my inlaws took it as a serious slight when I didn't fly the 9000 miles for FILs funeral.

Truth was, we didn't have the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that DW and my mom are not on the best of terms

You are being more than reasonable and your wife not being on good terms with your mother is no excuse for a ting like a spoiled brat. Someone very important to both you and your mother is dying and you should bevwith them. Go to them and to hell with your unreasonsble bitch wife.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you sell it that your wife is being the hero back home. Then she gets kudos and no guilt and they don't think she's dissing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother is real sick and could be passing any day now. She is in Texas. She's quite old, has been fading for quite some time. Burial will be a small, intimate setting with the mass being in a month or 2. My thought was to head down asap and stay for a few days so that I could be with my mother. I've decided that and asked my DW to stay home with our 3 YO rather than fly all of us down, get a hotel room only to have my not being able to be with them much helping out with burial logistics. DW is having a hard time with that and my thought process was I can head down for a few days and then we would all go down for the mass in Jan/Feb. Is this an unreasonable ask on my part?

What part is she having a hard time with? What you've proposed is very reasonable.

[Anonymous]

We did the same thing when my DH's father was dying - the only difference is that the funeral was about a week after his passing. DH left town immediately to go be with his parents once he got the call that it could be any day. I stayed behind and made arrangements for our own things to be taken care of, with the idea being that the kids and I would join DH and his family as soon as we could. I had to find someone to take care of our dogs, get flights, pack up our clothes, make arrangements on the other end to rent a car, get a babysitter lined up for the kids so that we could help out with arrangements, etc. Plus, I wanted to give DH some time to be alone with his father and to be there for his mom without worrying about me or the kids.

OP, I think your approach is perfectly reasonable. Given the strained relationship with your mom and DW, I also think that it's your job to convey your DW's condolences to your mom and family and to make it clear that she wanted to come but that you thought it was better for her to stay behind with your child until it's time for the funeral.

[Anonymous]

That is exactly how I handled both of my grandparents deaths. My parents needed my support and a toddler has no real place at a funeral. My son was sick for the first one, so the decision was made for us. But it just worked so much better

[Anonymous]

Agree, nothing wrong with your plans plus I assume your wife wasn’t close to your grandma anyway. Save the money and frustration. Funerals are only for the living anyway.

[Anonymous]

I think your plan makes sense OP.

However, in my dysfunctional family, she’d never be forgiven for missing the burial. It sounds like she’ll be buried soon and the service will be much later. Am I understanding that correctly? Maybe your dw comes from a family who has rules like that. Or maybe she thinks that since things are rough between your mom and her, your mom will interpret her not coming as being uncaring.

Without all those emotions though, on paper, your plan makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that DW and my mom are not on the best of terms

You aren't unreasonable.
But the thing is, if she is feeling a duty to be there and they aren't on the best of terms currently, she may be worried that your mom will take her absence as a slight when your mom's nerves/emotion will already be under strain. I understand your concerns about costs and the clingy three year old, but you should hear your wife out if she is worried about a delicate situation with your mom. It sounds like your wife is trying to be a good daughter in law. Also, a young child is often helpful during grief - would your mom be more uplifted when the time comes if your child is around? Just things to think about.

I think this may be at the heart of it.

On the other hand, it can be taxing to have a young one around when times are stressful and your mom may not be equipped to deal with it emotionally. If your wife comes down, OP, would she be willing to swing by and see your mom/grandmother but then head back to the hotel with the toddler to swim/spend the day? Would she understand that her appearance would be brief so that you can do what you need to do to support your mom?

I get that this would be way easier for you if you do it the way you've suggested in your post, and I agree totally that it probably is the best option for all the reasons you've listed, but you may have to acquiesce to your wife's preferences on this one.

[Anonymous]

I did this when my MIL died. Not odd at all.

[Anonymous]

This is very reasonable.

Maybe explain to your wife that the best way she can support you is to do this how you want/need it done.

[Anonymous]

This is a great plan, OP.
My DH has gone to be with his mom on several emergency occasions (death/sickness of her spouse, her illnesses, legal issues) and I stay home with kids.
I think MIL appreciates that she gets her son's full attention and he appreciates being able to focus on what is important for her for those few days.
And I totally get it.
Give and take, support, sacrifice, understanding, compassion-all part of being in a marriage and family.
Go be with your mom and grandma.