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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, I should add that DW and my mom are not on the best of terms[/quote]

You aren't unreasonable. 
But the thing is, if she is feeling a duty to be there and they aren't on the best of terms currently, [b]she may be worried that your mom will take her absence as a slight when your mom's nerves/emotion will already be under strain[/b].  I understand your concerns about costs and the clingy three year old, but you should hear your wife out if she is worried about a delicate situation with your mom.  It sounds like your wife is trying to be a good daughter in law.  Also, a young child is often helpful during grief - would your mom be more uplifted when the time comes if your child is around?  Just things to think about.[/quote]

I think this may be at the heart of it.

On the other hand, it can be taxing to have a young one around when times are stressful and your mom may not be equipped to deal with it emotionally.  If your wife comes down, OP, would she be willing to swing by and see your mom/grandmother but then head back to the hotel with the toddler to swim/spend the day?  Would she understand that her appearance would be brief so that you can do what you need to do to support your mom?

I get that this would be way easier for you if you do it the way you've suggested in your post, and I agree totally that it probably is the best option for all the reasons you've listed, but you may have to acquiesce to your wife's preferences on this one.[/quote]

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