Funeral Etiquette

[Anonymous]

My grandmother is real sick and could be passing any day now. She is in Texas. She's quite old, has been fading for quite some time. Burial will be a small, intimate setting with the mass being in a month or 2. My thought was to head down asap and stay for a few days so that I could be with my mother. I've decided that and asked my DW to stay home with our 3 YO rather than fly all of us down, get a hotel room only to have my not being able to be with them much helping out with burial logistics. DW is having a hard time with that and my thought process was I can head down for a few days and then we would all go down for the mass in Jan/Feb. Is this an unreasonable ask on my part?

[Anonymous]

Of course that is reasonable. What is her concern.

[Anonymous]

So to clarify, you don't want your wife and 3YO at the burial? Or you don't want them there when you're making burial logistics?

Does DW like your family and want to be there too?

I did all the arrangements for my grandpa's funeral and was there for my parents. DH couldn't be with me as he was out of the country. It was hard though and I wished he was there.

[Anonymous]

Very reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So to clarify, you don't want your wife and 3YO at the burial? Or you don't want them there when you're making burial logistics?

Does DW like your family and want to be there too?

I did all the arrangements for my grandpa's funeral and was there for my parents. DH couldn't be with me as he was out of the country. It was hard though and I wished he was there.

Honestly, if my DW and 3 YO are there, I think it would be harder for me to be there for my mother. 3 YO is quite attached to me and I know that he will be wanting to have me hold him, be with him, etc throughout. Kind of want to be there alone since I feel like I haven't really been there for my mom the last couple years. I think DW feels like it's her duty to be there with me (i.e. the kind of thing one should do for the other) and wants to personally pay her respects to my mom (which I think can be done in other ways and won't be perceived as slights). Also, if they come down, we would get a hotel room, added cost, etc., rather than me just crashing at my mom's (if I went alone).

To be clear, my mother and uncle are handling most of the logistics - I'm there to support/help out in any way I can.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I should add that DW and my mom are not on the best of terms

[Anonymous]

Is this the first time she will spend the night alone with your child? That is sometimes hard the first few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the first time she will spend the night alone with your child? That is sometimes hard the first few times.

No, she's done it a few times and I know that weighs on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that DW and my mom are not on the best of terms

You aren't unreasonable.
But the thing is, if she is feeling a duty to be there and they aren't on the best of terms currently, she may be worried that your mom will take her absence as a slight when your mom's nerves/emotion will already be under strain. I understand your concerns about costs and the clingy three year old, but you should hear your wife out if she is worried about a delicate situation with your mom. It sounds like your wife is trying to be a good daughter in law. Also, a young child is often helpful during grief - would your mom be more uplifted when the time comes if your child is around? Just things to think about.

[Anonymous]

Your plan is perfect in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Does your wife need an opportunity to grieve your grandmother's death? Even though she is **your** grandmother, your wife may have some emotional attachment to her as well.

We went through this in my family as well, when my husband's beloved step-mom passed away. Because we had two young kids and I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time, I couldn't travel for the funeral, and it was really hard for me to miss out on the family grieving. (They all spent a weekend together, taking care of arrangements but also telling stories, sorting through old stuff, visiting special places, etc. I was the only spouse not there, and it was hard to miss out.)

So it's fine to put your needs and your mom's needs first, but make sure your wife can be involved somehow too. Maybe the burial mass should be enough for her--I don't know enough about your family or those traditions to know when/where the grieving will really happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your wife need an opportunity to grieve your grandmother's death? Even though she is **your** grandmother, your wife may have some emotional attachment to her as well.

We went through this in my family as well, when my husband's beloved step-mom passed away. Because we had two young kids and I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time, I couldn't travel for the funeral, and it was really hard for me to miss out on the family grieving. (They all spent a weekend together, taking care of arrangements but also telling stories, sorting through old stuff, visiting special places, etc. I was the only spouse not there, and it was hard to miss out.)

So it's fine to put your needs and your mom's needs first, but make sure your wife can be involved somehow too. Maybe the burial mass should be enough for her--I don't know enough about your family or those traditions to know when/where the grieving will really happen.

My DW has never met my grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Totally reasonable request. She'll be there for the mass later. If she has some compelling reason to go with you, can you ask a family member or friend who will not be going to the burial to babysit?

[Anonymous]

Your plan sounds fine. I really can't see why it could be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a great plan to me.