Funeral Etiquette

[Anonymous]

OP - We can't tell from your post where the truth is about your wife's disappointment with this plan.

a) maybe your wife is being selfish about letting you go?

b) maybe you are treating her as a second-rate family member when she isn't.

If a) then you have a good plan. If b) you have a terrible plan and are being unkind to your life partner.

We can't tell. So if I have anything to suggest to you it is to look at your wife's relationship with your family, think about how it got where it is, and then think about the implications from excluding her from the inner ring.

[Anonymous]

I think the plan makes sense, and your wife's difficulty has something to do with relationships. Do you think it has to do with her feeling like she needs to fulfill a certain role, or is it perhaps some jealousy of your relationship with your family? Will she be upset if your time and attention is going to your mom, your brother, and your grandma instead of to her? Does she have the ability to keep herself busy away from home, possibly in a strange town, with a 3 yo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this the first time she will spend the night alone with your child? That is sometimes hard the first few times.

No, she's done it a few times and I know that weighs on her.

Explain this further. Is your wife depressed/ overwhelmed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your wife need an opportunity to grieve your grandmother's death? Even though she is **your** grandmother, your wife may have some emotional attachment to her as well.

We went through this in my family as well, when my husband's beloved step-mom passed away. Because we had two young kids and I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time, I couldn't travel for the funeral, and it was really hard for me to miss out on the family grieving. (They all spent a weekend together, taking care of arrangements but also telling stories, sorting through old stuff, visiting special places, etc. I was the only spouse not there, and it was hard to miss out.)

So it's fine to put your needs and your mom's needs first, but make sure your wife can be involved somehow too. Maybe the burial mass should be enough for her--I don't know enough about your family or those traditions to know when/where the grieving will really happen.

My DW has never met my grandmother.

Why not? Her burial is the last time your wife can be in her presence. This is not insignificant.

[Anonymous]

I took a small kid to a funeral once. It was for a great grandparent. It wasn't s good idea. If you and your wife could find a baby sitter that would be best, otherwise your wife should just let you mourn your relative.

[Anonymous]

You want to leave your wife and child home just before Christmas on the chance that your grandmother might die this time? Obviously your wife’s role is to support you as you support your mom. The fact that you want your wife to support you by leaving you alone so close to the holidays means there is more wrong with your marriage than just friction with your mom. I say this only because you are asking if your plan is reasonable to present to someone who already has said it is not. See, we as strangers, do not know what is reasonable for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that DW and my mom are not on the best of terms

I think your plan is reasonable, but that doesn't mean it's the only way to do things. Maybe your wife wants to make the relationship with your mom better, as well as kind of cementing the relationship between the family you have now and the one you grew up with. Also a possible factor is how well your 3 yo will handle this--might be fine, as there may well be a lot of unstructured time (that's how vigils of the dying go). And you really don't know how long the dying can take. Whatever you end up doing, make sure it does not create conflict with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the first time she will spend the night alone with your child? That is sometimes hard the first few times.

No, its not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you sell it that your wife is being the hero back home. Then she gets kudos and no guilt and they don't think she's dissing them.

Why is this necessary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you sell it that your wife is being the hero back home. Then she gets kudos and no guilt and they don't think she's dissing them.

Why should she get credit for taking care of her own children in a family emergency? This is the job of a parent! His wife is a word that rhymes with witch.

[Anonymous]

Your plan is perfectly reasonable, and you should spend time with your dying Grandmother now while you can, OP. Your DW is making this about her, not your dying grandmother.

[Anonymous]

We are all speculating about why your wife doesn’t like the plan. Why not ask her what she doesn’t like and refute her concerns (you got lots of help here) specifically instead of guessing her motivations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a great plan to me.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

If you wanted to get a head start I get it but it seems weird to me to disinvite your wife altogether.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your wife wants to be with you to support you when your grandmother dies? Her death will affect you too, not just your mom.